I didn't want to hang up the phone, but I did. He was already asleep on the other end anyways. I didn't move. I stared at the empty screen on my phone with the blankets still pulled up over my head. We were trying to tell secrets under the covers. It wasn't working very well. We already know everything about each other. Sometimes when I think about him, my eyes start to burn. It's like I'm about to cry because I'm smiling so big. But I never do. I just smile.

So I was surfing webmd.com, looking at dental health shit, right? They have these links all over the website like, 'Check out how to get rid of bad breath' or 'Trouble sleeping? Diagnose yourself' and stuff like that. So I clicked on one and ended up surfing all kinds of weird shit. Next thing I knew, I saw a link that pertained to what I like to call 'my problem'. Because I don't like talking about it. Ever. For fucks sakes, I can't even spell it out in my own diary because I'm always upset about it.

So when I'm reading all that shit, it tells me that seeing a doctor would be best because if it goes untreated I could get cervical cancer. AWESOME. I've only been ignoring it for almost three years. Mother fucking fuck fuck. I'm not saying I think I have cancer, but this means I need to go see a doctor. I can't do that.

I can't go see a doctor because my family doesn't have enough money for even a check up right now. Last week, we had NO food in the fridge except for pickles, squash, mayo, and butter. My parents are still trying to make ends meet. Not only that, but how do I tell my mom? "Oh yeah, hey mom? If I don't go to the doctor, I'll get cancer. We should probably go." or "Mom? Yeah. I had sex with an asshole three years ago and he gave me an STD which I still haven't taken care of. Will you help me out?"

And people wonder why I hate sex.

Fuck that. Fuck everything. This isn't fucking fair.

Things That Terrify Me When It Comes To Jonathan And I

• Jonathan won't find me attractive
• That I'll find some way to fuck up the relationship
• Our fights :(
• The fact that he still doesn't know everything about me
• What my friends will think when I move in with him
• The fact that I will probably eat all his food (lol)

Okay so that last one was kind of a joke. But yes, I'm scared that Jonathan won't find me attractive. And it's not that I don't think I'm pretty. I think I'm pretty okay looking. But I'm starting to hate the way I look naked even more than usual. Especially when I took a shower today. I had to try really hard not to cry as the water washed over me. I think the reason why I hate the way I look when I'm naked is because...well I've heard some not-so-nice comments from my ex's about the way I look. I just feel like he'll see me and immediately feel disgusted or something.

And I'm not looking for a way to fuck up our relationship nor do I want to. But he doesn't really know how I get sometimes. Sometimes I get all nostalgic and miss an ex boyfriend. Sometimes I don't feel like talking about anything at all, and sometimes I get so depressed that all I want to do is eat and watch movies. He hasn't seen me have an anxiety attack, and I'm sure he doesn't know why I keep all the old love letters that are stashed away in my dresser.

These are things I think he'll have to learn about me when we're finally together. Because he doesn't know everything. I'm just scared he'll react to them not so well. Like...when I have an anxiety attack he won't know that sometimes I just want a back rub....or not to be touched at all. Why am I so fucking crazy? And what if I have hallucinations? How will he react to those? Or my nightmares? Or my random dark moments where I feel like I'm going completely insane or the dark thoughts in my head won't go away? I mean...fuck.

And our fights. That scares me because I know that he gets all quiet. And I do the same thing. I'll get quiet and then go someplace to cry. I don't wanna be curled up in the bathroom crying after we fight. I don't want to fight but I know that we will. Every couple fights, no matter how perfect they are. He tells me that there's no possible way for me to hurt him...but I don't believe that for a second.

What my friends will think...well that is only a small concern. Sure, I love my friends. A lot. But Jonathan always comes first. And they'll have to accept my decision or choke on a pineapple.

Tattered and Worn

I hate that even after all these years

I admit I miss those small hands.

The freckle on his chin.

I'll even admit to missing

that awful band tee.

I snatch at the details,

closing my eyes to remember.

His tattered belt and his horse laugh.

The smile he gave

just for me.

Time wore on

and Change put her dirty hands in our business

Then there were the bags

under his eyes.

Blood seeped through the paper,

betraying him.

His waist too small,

his bones sharp knives,

cutting us both in two.

My kisses could not heal his starving lips,

My tears fell on festering wounds.

I didn't realize the conclusion would be

that I'm just as tattered and as worn

as his belt was.

It's fucking ridiculous how baby hungry I've been lately. Every time I see a brown baby I'm like,

I FUCKING WANT IT I WANT IT, I WANT A BROWN BABY WITH JONATHAN.

But he's so far away. :/

For the best probably, because I can't afford any children right now.

I just wish I was good enough for him.

I can't tell if I'm running away, or if this is something I really need to do.

North Dakota

I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I moved to North Dakota. It means that I probably wouldn't be able to have a chance to talk to Jonathan. At all. For maybe months at a time. It'll put a serious strain on our relationship. I'm so fucking embarrassed. I can't tell Adrianna about Jonathan! She's gonna hate me so bad. And i'm going to be living with her for Christ's sakes. On top of that, Jordan is really excited to be hanging out with us. Adrianna told me it would be really awesome if I dated Jordan. Pfft whut?! Date Jordan? Seriously? I can't do that! I already love Jonathan. He's the one I love, he's the one I want. But not having him next to me is getting really old. I keep craving the physical body next to mine. So then I go running off, making out with someone else or cuddling and flirting with someone else. But it should be him. It should always be him. He offered me money, so that I could have an easier time getting started in North Dakota. But I always feel guilty accepting money from other people. Besides, I should be fine. Adrianna will be taking care of me for the first little bit. Once I get a job, I'll be able to pay her back and get a phone and what not.

I keep playing the 'what if' game. What if I get a job up there? Then I'll be able to get a phone faster, I'll be able to start saving up for a place with Jonathan. Which also makes me nervous because he wants to get a place with Charlie. I thought it would be awesome at first, but I'm not really comfortable with it right now. Maybe because I get really jealous of her. She seems like...I dunno more of Jonathan's type I guess. I'm just awkward and...stupid. If all three of us get a place, I'll feel like I have to compete with her for his attention or something gay like that. I don't know. I'm just nervous. If I don't get up a job up in North Dakota, then i won't be any worse off than I am now. Well, I don't know if that's true. I'll Adrianna even more money. Fuck. I can't get into debt, especially to her. I want to be a good friend, I don't wanna be a mooch or whatever. This decision has been so hard, but I know it's something I have to do. I have to give this a chance, and I have to give myself a chance. I know it will be hard, and I'll probably screw everything up, but I have to try.

I've never kept a secret from Jonathan before.

What if he hates me?

I don't know if I can tell him. Not yet.

I'm too scared.

I love him so much.

But god fucking damn it.

I'm an idiot.

Aug. 24, 2011

I wrote this in my Becki Bible right after I got off the phone with Jonathan and his best friend:

I hate this. I hate it. I can't do it, I can't keep up with this. Why am I comparing myself to Charlie? I could tell she didn't like me. I could hear the jealousy ringing in her voice, I could feel it even from so far away. I didn't want her to hear the jealousy in my voice, I hid it with the kind words and laughter. When she made an off-hand comment about my voice I was immediately self-conscious. I know I shouldn't be, Jonathan loves me and that's all that matters, right? But still. It's one of my biggest insecurities. Her possesive comments over her best friend. Her beautiful voice was definitely no match for my whiny high school voice. The viscous cycle kept on it's way, I wondered if she was prettier than me and she probably is, she's probably more of Jonathan's type than I am.

I'm not jealous OF her...I could just hear her feelings for Jonathan in her voice. Which made me jealous, and then I started the comparing and it just got out of hand for me, emotionally. After pulling myself together, I know that I'm Jonathan's bottom bitch. :) haha. And so it doesn't matter what she thinks.

Although I still have a slight twinge of jealousy, just because she gets to actually spend time with him. -_-

Oh Jesus

All I think about is Jonathan. Seriously. All I want to talk about is Jonathan. Every chance I get, I somehow hint to someone that I have a boyfriend. Just so then they can ask, "You have a boyfriend?" And then my lungs explode and it almost seems like I'm yelling. "YES I HAVE THE BEST FUCKING BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE LIKE FOREVER AND WE'RE SO HAPPY TOGETHER THAT IT WOULD MAKE YOU PUKE!"

I need to relax.

I don't want you to die.

I want you to live with the knowledge that you're a monster. You're not a man. You're a sick creature that gains the trust of women so you can violate them, rape them, beat them, hurt them. I want you to live with that emptiness. I want you to live with the complete loneliness. I want you to wake up every day just to wish that you were dead. Your black heart will pump nothing but blood. Not one ounce of love or happiness with flow in your veins. And when you go to meet Jesus when you die, you will kneel in front of him. And you will get to answer for what you did. You get to tell God why you hurt me. You'll get to meet your maker and you get to tell him exactly why you hurt his child so severely. My bruises will heal. One day, I will forgive you. One day, I might not taste the bitter blood in my mouth anymore. At least I don't have to wake up as you.

Carry On

His lying tongue scraping her teeth
He leaves violent lovers marks on her neck
And she exhales the bittersweet pain
With every struggled breath

His greedy hands grasp her bruised neck
Her head swims, spins, twirls
His hands squeeze, suffocate, twist

And after he wipes the sticky semen
From her pale broken body
He leaves a soft lie on her lips
Kisses the tears of protest on her face
Places empty promises in her heart

She doesn't know the difference
Anymore
Between pain and pleasure

Collapsed on the front lawn
Her body too weary to care
And her heart to broken to beat

Standing up for myself, for once.

I don't know what I was thinking when I sent Jayde that message on facebook. The one that said I'd greatly appreciate it if she stayed away from Jonathan. I guess I just kind of wanted to stand up for something I believed in, for once in my life. And I believe in Jonathan and I. I know that if we both want this to work, it's gonna fucking work.

But I didn't expect those words from her. About how Jonathan never told her anything about a girlfriend, about how he could possibly be two-timing me. I don't know why I would be bothered by what she was saying. She was obviously just being an upset, jealous ex girlfriend. What really bothered me was that there was a little part of me that kind of believed her. Maybe he didn't tell her anything about me because he didn't want her to know about me. Which I would completely understand, I really would. I never told Zack about Jonathan, after all. The hard part to swallow was when she said he was probably lying. If he wasn't comfortable in telling people I'm his girlfriend, I'm actually completely fine with that. I still can't work up the guts to tell Adrianna about him. But what if while she was creating this drama, he didn't even stand up for me? What if he really said, "Oh, she's not my girlfriend." What if they didn't really stop talking, but he just told me they did to make me feel better?

And god damn it, why am I believing this stupid bitch over jonathan, I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I have trust issues, but isn't this getting a little ridiculous. He said he would never lie to me, and he won't. Right?

I just want him to be happy, and I want him to be honest. The worst thing he could ever do is lie to me or keep things from me. So if he wanted to be with Jayde then god damn it he should say it. If he wanted to live in fucking Missouri, then he should say it. I've told him everything there can be known about me. So I'm ripped open raw for him, and I'm so fucking scared I've never been this scared in my life to be hurt. But I would be hurt over and over again, just for him. I've never known anyone who could not only accept me but love me for who I am completely. If he ever did end up hurting me, well alright then. Because I enjoyed every single fucking little second with him. I love him so god damn much.

I'm going to try to put Jayde out of my mind. Jonathan said she's gone, and I'm going to try my best to believe that. He said he'd never lie to me, and I'm going to try my best to believe that.

I suck at being strong

I'm just a big giant emotional wreck today.

All I can think about is Tiffany and Jayde and how they both want Jonathan and he very well could choose either of them over me because let's face it I live clear the fuck in Utah and I'm the girl with tons and tons of problems, why would he ever choose me over either of them?

And I don't have sex, I don't want to have sex ever again, not after everything that has happened with me. I am through, it scares me. It scares the shit out of me. MEN scare the shit out of me.

What if we fail? What if I totally fuck up our relationship? It's bound to happen, I fuck up every relationship I've ever been in. I'll probably screw this up and I'll probably never get to be with someone forever. I'm going to end up alone and I'll have no one to blame but myself.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but right now I don't give a fuck. I can't keep going like this, I can't stand the feeling of lying there trying to sleep, and I feel empty on the inside, I feel lonely on the outside. All I want is Jonathan, and I can't have him.

Jayde gets to have him, Tiffany gets to have him, but I'm stuck in Utah, craving for him and that craving is never satisfied. I don't even know what it feels like to hold his hand.

I can't be strong all the time. Yes, I'm going to get jealous every now and then. Especially when I've been emotional lately. Yeah, I'm gonna get tired of the distance.

But I need to keep hopeful, maybe one day I'll get to fall asleep in his arms.

Jealousy

I'm going to sit here in complete rage towards my boyfriend's ex.
Why can't she back the fuck off my man?
I'm really not the jealous type, I never pegged myself as the jealous type.
But I hate this bitch.
She needs to fall into a volcano.

My head was dizzy and fuzzy from all the alcohol.
We were in the back of his 4Runner, my head resting on his shoulder. I couldn't wait to watch the sunrise with him.
He tipped my head towards his face and kissed me, making my head swim more, even more than before. I kissed him back and when I heard a quick intake of breath I knew I should pull away. I didn't want to fool around, I really didn't. I've been used too many times before and I wasn't about to be used again. I pulled back but his hand on the back of my head hold me still.
"No, we can't-"
But he kissed me again and I gave into the kiss, enjoying it far too much for my own good. He was breathing heavily now and I hesitated, pulling away again.
He grabbed my jaw violently, "Suck my dick."
His voice gave me goosebumps and I squirmed in his arms. "No, I don't think-"
He raised his other hand and slapped me hard across the face, my teeth rattling.
"It wasn't a request. Suck my dick."
I don't know where I got the guts to say no, but I whispered no again. And just like before, his hand stung on my face and I knew that this dizziness wasn't from the beer. I couldn't keep this up, I just didn't want to get hurt again. That's all I ever wanted, was to be safe. That's why I hung around him anyways, because I liked the security. So much for security.
He quickly undid his pants, and I tried to keep from shaking when I took him in my mouth. I did the best I could, I just wanted to get this over with. He reached for my belt buckle but I moved away, saying no yet again. I should have known that it wasn't a word he worked with very well.
He pulled me up by my hair, then put his hand around my throat, slamming me against the seat and squeezing. I could feel the tubes in my throat pinching and my mouth gaped open, begging for air.
"Fuck that," he said, and he yanked my belt open, pulling my pants down my legs. He shoved to fingers inside me and I cried out. It felt good, but I didn't want it to. It was only a few seconds until he pulled them out and shoved a finger in my ass.
I screamed and tried to squirm away from him. That reaction was what he was looking for and he only shoved it deeper inside of me. I bit my lip so hard that I tasted blood.
"You like that, bitch?"
No. God, no. I was terrified that I would be raped. I could see it in his eyes.
"Make me cum, bitch."
He let go of my throat and I gasped for air, moving over him. I knew I could get him to cum in just a few minutes and it would all be over. I went down on him again and he asked me if he could cum in my mouth. I cringed, scared to say no. But I looked up at him and shook my head. He was so close that he didn't seem to care and when he came, it was all over my hand and on my neck. I grabbed the blanket from the back and wiped him and myself off.

We cuddled on the backseat and I tried to take in what just happened. How could that have happened? How could he not know that I wasn't enjoying that at all?
The sun was already up. I missed it. I missed the sunrise.
He was falling asleep and I tried to keep from crying.
I shook him,"Come on, wake up! I gotta get home."
"Just five minutes..." he mumbled.
"No, come on if you don't wake up now you'll never wake up."

He held my hand on the drive home, singing along with the radio like this was a regular occurrence on a Saturday morning. I blinked back the tears and stared out the window, trying not to show how upset I was.

He pulled up to my house and kissed me, "Bye, baybeh. I'll text you."
I walked into my house in a daze, time had slowed down to a sick crawl, and my stomach churned. I grabbed matches from the kitchen and sat outside on the deck, trying to light a cigarette with trembling fingers.
Pulling out my phone, I found Jonathan's number even through the blurry tears. I called, but I knew he wouldn't answer.
I called Adrianna.
She didn't answer.
Nobody would answer.
I threw the matches and collapsed against myself, my body shaking and I couldn't stop crying. My hair stuck to my cheeks, wet with tears and I sobbed for what seemed like hours.

I finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I had a text from Jonathan and I told him I loved him. I told him what happened, and when he said, "I will kill that fucking bastard,".....it's hard to explain the emotions that went through me. I've never really had a guy that was so protective over me like that before. But at the same time I just wanted him to hold me and forget about what happened.

Turns out Jonathan was having sex with his ex last night. And it wasn't just any ex, it was Jayde and it scared the shit out of me. I told Jonathan that it didn't matter, that we didn't have to talk about it, but there's that fear in the back of my head. Maybe he's not totally over her, which is okay because hell I'm still not over Eldon and we broke up two and a half years ago. But what if she gets him in her grasp. It's one of those things, he's totally powerless around her and I fucking hate it. I know how it is, but I still hate it. I'm just scared that maybe I'll end up alone again. Maybe he'll go back to her, and I won't have anything left.
I'm just so tired of being used, especially after what just happened with Zack. I'm angry, I'm confused, and I'm scared shitless.

I fucking hate this.
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

Attachment

We sat in his 4Runner, eating our ice cream, the seats pushed back and looking at the stars through the sun roof. I had cheesecake ice cream and he had rocky road. I smiled and closed my eyes, Depeche Mode was playing through the radio.
When I opened my eyes and looked at the driver's seat, Zack was there staring at me.
"What're you lookin at?"
"You."
"Well what are you thinking about then?"
"You."
"What about me?"
"You're just...really cute." His hazel eyes were searching mine confidantly and I turned my face away. I'm bad at eye contact with the opposite sex. I'm not sure why. I could almost feel that emotional tension, but I pushed it away.
The emotional tension reminded me something and I asked him, "So what are you scared of? How come you're scared to attach yourself to someone?"
"I'm not scared."
"Don't lie to me, Zack."
"Well..." he put his ice cream in the cup holder and leaned back, putting his hands behind his head, "I dunno I guess I got hurt by this one girl so bad that I told myself I wouldn't let it happen again."
"I don't like attaching myself either. Kinda sucks, and it's kinda hard."
"Well it's not hard, really. Just tell yourself you won't get attached. And you don't."
"I meant that it's a hard way to live."
"I guess you're right."
I could feel myself getting attached today though. I don't know why. Out of all days, why today? I've been seeing Zack on the weekends since about the beginning of May, and a few other days too. So what the hell? Out of all those date, why am I starting to get attached today? It starts to mean something when he kisses my hand affectionately while we're driving on the freeway, it starts to mean something when he stands behind me at the store, tickling my back dimples. But why today? I told myself to snap out of it. That attachment is impossible, messy, and a bad idea. Just because Jonathan isn't here to do these things for me, doesn't mean I get attached to some other guy. That's not how it works.
I like spending time with Zack. He's a great guy, he's awesome, he's sweet, and he's not looking for an emotional attachment. Isn't that perfect? So why do I feel like this could end badly?

Nothing

Today I looked in the mirror and wished I wasn't living anymore.

I'm so depressed. I feel heavy. I can't move anymore.
I can't do anything anymore.

I can only fake a smile for so long.

Why am I alive? I have nothing going for me.
My family barely notices me.
My friends don't know me.
And my own boyfriend is so far away that it kills me.

I don't want to be alive anymore.
Not that I would off myself, I'm not fucking stupid.
I'm just tired of being waste and feeling like I'm nobody and nothing.
I'm tired of feeling so depressed, so heavy.
I'm tired of being so sad that I'm beyond tears.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm even too tired to get help.

Stuck

They never stop talking. Never stop laughing, never stop moving.
I'm wedged here, I can't move.
And the noise keeps getting louder and louder.
The chaos is squeezing around my throat and suffocating me.
I have no way to escape, I'm stuck in this house, with all it's noise, with the sleeplessness, with not even one fucking room for quiet.

I'm invisible to even my family. The ones that are supposed to be there for me forever, no matter what. I don't know if it's because I shut them out, or if it's because they shut me out. I can sit on the couch and scream for someone to look at me and they won't even notice.
But at the same time, I can't get away. It's a constant itch that won't be soothed.

I just want to be happy, I want to smile effortlessly.

I want Jon's arms around me at night, I want to listen to him breathe right before he drifts off to sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be loved, despite my flaws, right here and now.

He's the only thing that I hold to.
The only thing that keeps me from floating into space.
He's the only thing that I hope for, that I think about, he's the only real thing in my life. And I pray to God that he is for real. That it's everything he says. That I really mean something to him.

Our relationship has evolved so much, I thought I had my emotions under control. I thought that I could only feel so much for him, I told myself that I would keep him at a distance. Just in case. Which was wrong in the first place, but can you blame me? And the more he tells me, the more he lets me in, the more I let him into my heart.

I don't remember when I first told him I loved him. I barely even remember the first time I talked to him. I sure as hell don't remember our first phone call. I feel like I've known him forever, I feel like I've loved him my whole life.

It's stupid when I wonder if he really loves me, but sometimes I do.
And it pisses me off that when I text him he always sends me one-word responses. Always! For Christ's sakes have something to say to your girlfriend! Bah! But for the most part I laugh it off and shake my head. It's kind of cute that my boyfriend sucks at texting.

What really eats at me is that he's the only one that knows everything about me.
And he's so far away. He can't hold me in my worst moments.

Like today.

When I sat in the bathroom and cried for no particular reason at all.

June 4, 2011

My clothes were half off and so were his. We'd been fooling around for about an hour in the back of his 4-Runner. I promised myself I wouldn't let it go this far, but in a moment of heat it all went out the window. At least I kept my head on straight enough that I didn't let him take off my panties. Even so, it didn't keep him from shoving two fingers in my pussy, leaving me moaning and gasping for air.
Right when I came he said, "Woah!" And a look of surprise popped up on his face.
"What?"
"You weren't kidding. You really can flex your vagina." He stroked me from the inside with one finger until I pushed his hand away.
"I told you. And be careful, I'm a little sensitive right now."
"You have a magnificent vagina."
I grabbed his face and kissed him before telling him he was rather magnificent himself. I was secretly excited that he thought my vagina was magnificent. I mean...I always just thought of my vagina as...well just a vagina I guess. Nothing super great about it. Apparently it's not just a vagina. It's magnificent! Ego boost for Becki!
I stared at him adoringly for a second before saying, "I never thought I would do anything sexual while listening to The Fray."
He laughed, "Wow you're awesome. I like that you can make a joke after...well...this."
"Well," I said, "there's no point in being a stupid little girl about everything. Like, 'Eeeew there's semen on my stomach get it offff!!'"
He laughed and kissed my forehead. I hate it when he does that. It's adorable.

After we fixed our clothes, we cuddled on the backseat until we both actually fell asleep until four in the morning when I woke him up and he drove me home.

When I laid down on the couch, I picked up my phone to call Jonathan. I thought I would feel guilty for what I just did, and I did, but not in the way anyone would expect. My emotions were so mixed up. I just wanted to hear his voice. I knew he wouldn't answer, but I left a voicemail anyways.
I was drifting off to sleep with so many questions flying through my mind.
What the fuck did I just do?
I cheated on my boyfriend.
Why don't I feel bad?
Actually, I do feel bad. I feel bad because this is totally leading on Zack.
Right?
Am I leading him on?
Or is he leading me on?
But then he's not really leading me on because I have a boyfriend.
Which is fucked up. He should know by now that I have a boyfriend.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I'm fucked.
I'm a fucked up person.

May 26, 2011

There are certain sentences he says that just drives me completely insane. He got me so wet last night that my pussy was dripping...something that actually doesn't happen that often.
"Come for me, you fucking bitch."
I shoved my finger deep inside myself, gasping at his words before finally letting go, feeling surges of energy run through my muscles. My back curved and bowed until I let one final breath go, and I lay there exhausted.

I listened to his breathing soften, heard his body relaxing in his voice. My favorite is when he mumbles, "I love you," half asleep.

And now I sit here, late at night, watching Dexter. Craving a beer, and oddly enough, Joey's company. He's the only ex I still feel comfortable around. He's not the one I would imagine spending the rest of my life with. He's not my soul mate. He's not the love of my life. But I do love him, and I love spending time with him.

I'm too scared to really say the word 'soulmate' anymore. Seems like a myth, a legend. But if I do have one, I only hope it's Jon. After we get off the phone...everything just feels right. But it kills me not being able to hold his hand. And so I search for affection somewhere else. I didn't bargain on Zach.
I should have just gotten my affection from Eftihi or Robert. At least I know it's not going to ever get emotional with them. Just flirtation and fun.

And I like the attention, the feeling of light-hearted, free fun. Because when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm reminded of how i'm unlike anybody else.

Zach is interested. He's definitely interested. And I'm scared, and I feel guilty, and I feel like a horrible person, and I'm excited, and he's cute, and I miss Jonathan......god fucking damn it.

Zach doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve lies, he doesn't deserve me. I should be running away as fast as possible. But of course, I don't.

Because I'm a mother fucking heart breaker.

Worries

Sometimes after I hang up the phone with Jon, I just start crying. And I tell myself to pull it together, but I just can't. I'm scared that my feelings for him might be deeper than his are for me. And he might not see it because I'm so horrible at expressing how I feel. I say, 'I love you' so many times in our conversation but those words just don't seem to be enough. God, I just get so fucking scared. I get these horrible thoughts in my head that maybe it's all just a lie. Maybe he could be a convincing liar, maybe he doesn't love me as much as he says he does. It's so horrible to say, but it's happened to me before. Men can be so deceiving.
The worst part of it is wondering if I'll ever get the chance to be with him. I hate it, God I hate the fucking distance. Why does this have to be so hard?
What if when I meet him, he's a completely different person? I doubt it, but it could happen. It worries me a little.
Holy shit, I worry a lot.
I finally told Jon that I don't' know what my sexual preference is. I guess it's because I just kind of assumed he understood me enough to already know that about me. But I just kinda said it. It's not really that big of a deal, at least I don't think it is. Not between us, anyways. It is a big deal with me though. Just from the religious, spiritual point of view. I'm pretty conflicted.
I dunno I just...when I get like this, I crave his arms around me. Telling me that everything is okay, that all the little things bothering me don't matter. I just want the chance to stare into his eyes and know what it feels like to have myself so close to him that my heart will pound out of my chest.
He knows me better than anyone else...but there's just one thing. That one thing about me that haunts me. We never talk about it. I'm not sure if he knows about it or not, I might have told him. But I'm just so ashamed. I can't bring it up. Not now anyways.
When I called him, I asked him if he ever worries about us, if we'll work or not. He assured me that of course not, that he doesn't ever worry about that. And then I just felt like an idiot for worrying. I felt like maybe I really do love him more than he loves me. I'm the one that sits there and cries, wishing I could be with him. I'm the one that worries that I'm not good enough, I'm the one that writes constantly about him, thinking constantly about him, missing him constantly.

I hung up the phone and laid down on the couch, pulling my spider-man blanket close around me, and the tears slid sideways, across my nose and onto my pillow. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, tried to shut the tears out, but they kept coming. I just missed him.
I wasn't laying there very long before I heard my phone ring. It was him.
When I answered, my heart ached. I could hear him trying to keep the tears back just like I was.
"I do worry."

I was relieved to know that he misses me just as much as I miss him. That he loves me just as much as I love him. He was trying to be strong for me this whole time, but I don't want him to be. I just want to be able to love him, and I want him to love me. That's all.
He was worried that maybe I'll meet someone and leave him for that person.
I told him that I'll never leave him. Ever. And I meant it. He knows me better than any other person on this earth, he's my everything. I just wish I could be enough for him, I wish I deserved him. I'm not faithful, I flirt with other guys constantly....but in the end I always want him. I always want to come home to him.

Poem

I wrote this on April 5th in my Becki Bible:

I won't forget
Your puckered lips on my neck
Or the feel of your body against mine
I won't forget
The whispered breaths in my ear
Or your lingered smell on my jacket
I won't forget
Your violent fist in your anger
Or your red hot words striking my cheek
I won't forget
The vicious words against me
Or the lies I greedily lapped up
I won't forget-
Fuck it.
Forget you, shit head.

April 26, 2011

If I married Jon today, right this second, I would have no regrets. I would have no doubts. This is really what I want.
I've never been this deeply involved with someone. Ever. That's saying a lot, considering I've been in love twice before. There was the first love with Josh. I know I will never forget that. And then there was Eldon. I really loved Eldon. When he told me he was in love with someone else, it completely tore me apart. Left deeper wounds than I thought were there.
It still hurts today.
He shattered my heart, changed my outlook on love, changed my life.
It wasn't too long after that that I met Jon. I was a complete mess, if I remember correctly. It's hard to remember that part of my life. I was drunk almost every day for a few months straight. Partying, numbing myself. I actually wasn't aware that I was miserable. I was so busy numbing out and distracting myself that I didn't realize I needed help.
There was something about Jon that I was drawn to. I saw something underneath his sense of humor and I wanted to find out what it was.

Two years (or something like that) later, here we are-
He is my everything. I'm in love with him. More deeply than I ever thought possible. Somehow, somewhere in those two years, he managed to sneak into my heart. Now I hear his whispers against my hears, about how beautiful I am, how I'm an angel.
Because I care for him as much as I do, I'm terrified.
Sure, I'm scared of getting a broken heart. But I've had a broken heart before, I know I would survive.
What I'm honestly terrified of...is just losing him. He is the only soul on this planet that really truly knows me. He is the only person who knows every single one of my secrets, and accepts me for it.
He's my best friend.
I never want to lose that

I called my voice mail and finally checked all of my fucking messages. One of them was just adorable though.
"Hey Becki. It's your boyfriend. I was just calling to tell you I love you...and I hope you're having fun on your trip. I wish you were here. It's where you belong. So I can make you happy. I love you. Good night."
I almost cried. I did cry.
He's so effing perfect it makes me insane.

Gotta Get Down On Friday

As far as parties go, it wasn't too crazy last night.

I got ready for the party, trying to do something different with my makeup but failing miserably. Robert called me and said, "We're on our way to come get you! Oh, bring your ipod for car music...mine's dead." I say alright and hang up the phone. Then I realize.

fuck. I look like shit:


See?! But hey. I'm wearing my favorite ratty old hoodie and glow-in-the-dark Harry Potter shirt so it's whatever. :)

Robert pulls up to my house with Jessica and I go walkin out like I'm hot shit, even though I look like STUPID shit haha. I get in the car, and we go pick up Ryan...but then we have to go pick up Mindy.
We're listening to my ipod in the car, and I decide that I want to pick one song. I don't wanna play DJ or anything, there's just a song I'd really like to jam to. The Black Dahlia Murder, of course. So I put it on but then Jessica whirls around in her seat during the intro and says, "Will there be screaming? I don't like screaming. If there's screaming I'm turning it off."
I said, "You're definitely going to hear some things you don't like."
When she hears the lyrics she turns around and I'm not even kidding you, gives me the death glare like none other. The look on her face said, 'Are you fucking kidding me? You are a stupid bitch. I can't believe you like this.'
For some reason, I almost punched her. Okay, you make me listen to DubStep and all that techno bull shit that you call "music" but I want to listen to ONE song on MY ipod that I brought as a FAVOR and you turn it off instantly? God damn it bitch, I will shove my ipod down your whorish throat.
But I don't say anything, just take my ipod back and we listen to that stupid techno shit. I'd go into the part of the story where Jessica falls off of a moving vehicle like the dumbass she is and Robert almost gets in a fight with a 40 year old drunk guy....but I'm so dumbfounded by Jessica's pure stupidity that I couldn't bring myself to write about that. So we'll fast forward to the party.
We show up. :)
Eftichi and Preston are there (yay!), along with a few other people. It's a relatively small party. I give Preston a hug and as usual he's staring at my tits again. I don't care, it's not like he could ever see them and Preston's a funny guy, we get along pretty well. :) Eftichi is wearing a full on suit. Like...dressed up. I'm surprised and said, "Damn, Eftichi why are you so dressed up? You're lookin great! But I feel under-dressed standing next to you!" He just flashes his sexy greek smile and says, "I just felt like it. You never need a reason to dress up."
"Oh my God, Eftichi, I love you. Seriously, that is the best thing I've heard all day. Next weekend, I'm showing up in a prom dress."
And he just smiles again, hugs me, and kisses my temple. Wtf, did Eftichi just kiss my head? I think he did.... Ah, fuck it. I'm gettin a beer.
Preston leaves after only staying for about 25 minutes and before he leaves he just full on grabs my ass...um, alright? I guess? So I grab his. We are officially ass-grabbing friends apparently.
Robert decided he's gonna do fucking ecstasy. Another reason why I don't like Jessica. She has gotten Robert into ecstasy. And Robert used to be like...my drug-free pal! Ugh! That stupid bitch is ruining my best friend! But you know what? It's okay. I'll just drink more.
The more I play beer pong and the more I consume alcohol, the more I smile. I get in a better mood, and I'm feeling a little more relaxed. I'm not drunk, just feeling fantastic. I sit in the living room after smoking a cigarette and watch White Chicks with Ryan, sipping on my Miller Highlife. Ryan had just got dumped earlier so I'm trying to include him in conversations and activities, trying to make him feel at least a little better....without him thinking I'm going to be like, a rebound bang or something like that. NOT HAPPENING. lol
Eftichi sits next to me on the couch and wraps his arm around me, and I snuggle close. [[See this is what I was talking about! The affection thingy!]] We socialize with everyone, talking laughing, having a general good time.
Jessica's stupid ass needs to go to the store for something and asks me if I want to go with. Well, I did finish my beer. And I'm slightly tipsy which means I can almost enjoy her company. So why not? I search around for my jacket but can't find it. I only see Eftichi's suit jacket. So I put it on and say, "Eftichi, we're running to the store, and I'm wearing your suit jacket because I can't find mine. Plus, this will make sure you're here when I get back." And I wink at him and run out the door with Jessica. What the hell, did I just wink at him?! No. No no no no no. Now he's gonna think he's gonna get the goodies and he's not. Maybe. I hope not anyways. I don't know!
When I get back, Eftichi and I go outside for a smoke. It's a little chilly outside, so I let him wrap his arms around me while we take drags off the cigarette and exhale the warm smoke into the air. I'm giggling like an idiot at the cute things he's doing like blowing in my ear because he knows it tickles, or making silly cute faces at me. And all of a sudden his nose brushes against the side of mine and we kiss.
Holy. Fucking Hell.
I haven't kissed someone this good at kissing...in over a year. Dead serious. Don't get me wrong, my body didn't catch fire, but it was pure sexiness.
The mixed smells of his cologne and cigarette smoke on his jacket made my head swim and made me excited. I clung to his jacket while his tongue searched the tip of mine and then I pulled away. "Okay, okay, this is...yeah," I couldn't quite talk, I was trying to breathe. And trying not to rape him. "Yeah?" he said, then tugged me in one more time for another kiss. This time my hand found my favorite spot to rest when I'm kissing someone. It was right between his jawbone and neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss momentarily before Eftichi broke off the kiss and suggested we go inside.
Thank God! I can't be kissing guys like this! Especially Eftichi! I mean, no offense to Eftichi, I love him to death. But he is a sex addict, and I don't have sex. See where that might be a problem?
So we go back inside, Robert is trippin balls and talking about how the trees were talking to him. (I'm glaring at Jessica the whole time.) But for the most part, it's still a pretty okay time. When it comes time to bounce and go home, I ride with Eftichi home. Just me and him. In his car.
Uh-oh.
BUT DON'T WORRY! THIS STORY ENDS WELL! SORT OF.
He drives me home, it's casual talk, but I can feel the sort of shy tension still. We pull up to my house, we make out for five minutes and then I get out of the car and go inside.

When I walked into the house, I threw my bag on the couch, snatched up the house phone and called Jon immediately.

I was thinking, 'God damn it, Jon is gonna hate me now. I can't lose him. I love him. Why am I so stupid? Why do I always have the need for affection? God I'm such a fucking IDIOT!'

When he answered, I couldn't believe how high my heart jumped. I choked on my heart, and almost threw up. That's how much I love this guy.
Him: "Hey, baby. What are you doin?"
Me: "...nothin.. :D" ←Yes, I put a smiley face in my own quote because there is no way he couldn't hear my smiley on the other end of the line.
He probably hears me smiling like a fool right now, for Christ's sakes. I can't write about him without grinning from ear to ear.
He was really tired, I don't blame him I got home kinda late, so our conversation was shorter than usual. He wasn't mad at me for what happened. He knows I want to be with him forever. I keep expecting him to get mad at me for something, but he never does.
Hearing his steady breathing right before he fell asleep made me so incredibly happy it's almost embarrassing. I can't wait to hear it every single night when I'm right next to him.

The other night when I called him, he said something I will probably never forget.
Mostly because I wrote it down; I wanted to remember it forever.
Me: What are you thinkin about?
Him: You.
Me: Well what about me?
Him: I was just thinking about, how amazing it would be. To make love to you right now. Hold you close while I push into you, whispering to you how much you mean to me, how much I love you.

When he said that, my whole body and heart ached for him. And I just smiled and looked at my stupid feet, hoping that I'll be everything that he ever expected, needed, and wanted.

Affection

I'm scared that I'm going to explode.
I don't know how those people do it. Those people, that are single for years on end, BY CHOICE. Like, they're totally fine without a significant other. That may sound desperate from me, but I don't think it is. It's not like I go out looking for a boyfriend. I go out looking for affection, most of the time I just wanna hold your god damned hand.
Then I landed this amazing and absolutely killer gorgeous boyfriend.
Now I don't know what to do with myself. I still long for affection, to hold hands, to have tickle fights (where I will lose), to share inside jokes with that person, to have him caress my jawline ever so gently...am I getting carried away?
Anyways, you get the idea.

It really hasn't been that long...AT ALL, since I had physical affection. I mean, just yesterday Robert and I had a part cuddle/part tickle session on the love sack. (And I wonder why people think we have a thing....DUR) and before that, I was dating that complete douche bag asshole shit bag. But there was affection in that relationship for sure. Lots of cuddling.

Is it possible to be addicted to cuddling? I feel like I am. I feel like if I don't have someone holding me every now and then, that I will just cease my grip on reality. I know. I'm strange.

I hate myself.

Oh, Fuck. :(

Ben says:

Hey.

Becki Rausch says:

Hey

Ben says:

I'm really freaking out right now...the last time you said something lik "I just pretend to be someone I'm not on a daily basis", I almost lost you.

Becki Rausch says:

Yup

Ben says:

Is that what's happening now?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know.

Ben says:

Please don't do this. I can't lose you.

Becki Rausch says:

I can't pretend to be someone else. It's not fair to you.

Ben says:

Have you been pretending with me?

Becki Rausch says:

Some of the time, I suppose I am.

Ben says:

When?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know, it's not like I can name dates and times.

Ben says:

Do you love me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes. But not as much as you love me.

Ben says:

Why do you say that?

Becki Rausch says:

Because. I can just tell. Your attachment is so much deeper on your end than it is on mine.

Ben says:

Why?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know.

Ben says:

How come now you're telling me that you don't love me like you did, say, 5 hours ago?

Becki Rausch says:

I can't talk about this anymore.

Ben says:

But I have to.

I swear I'll drive out there this instant.

Becki Rausch says:

What good will that do? So then I can just break your heart to your face?

I told you I wasn't a good person.

You didn't believe me.

Ben says:

Are you leaving me?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't fucking know right now.

Ben says:

I can't believe this. Why, Rebecca?

Becki Rausch says:

I wish it were easy to explain what goes through my head. I wish it were easy for me to explain the horrible thoughts I have daily, the lies I tell myself, the lies I tell others. And I was trying so hard to be honest. But I can't even be honest with myself.

Ben says:

Did I wait too long to come see you again?

Becki Rausch says:

No. No no no, it wasn't that. You've been nothing but perfect.

I've been nothing but horrendous.

Ben says:

Have you lied to me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes, but nothing that was like...super big or anything like that.

Ben says:

What was it?

Becki Rausch says:

Let me rephrase. I didn't lie. I just never...told the complete truth about myself.

Ben says:

Then tell me now, rebecca. Tell me now so I can love you for it.

Becki Rausch says:

You could never love me for it.

Ben says:

How do you know? And at this point, what have you got to lose?

Becki Rausch says:

It's been haunting me for a long time, I thought it was a phase, but it's not. I thought the feeling would pass, but it hasn't. I couldn't get baptized because of it. I feel so...out of place. I don't have a place.

Ben says:

What if I came and got you. Right fucking now.

Becki Rausch says:

Wouldn't help.

Ben says:

Why?

Becki Rausch says:

You, and your complete perfection is just a constant reminder of how I don't deserve you. Of how you deserve to be with someone who can give you so much more than I can. You think you know me, and sure, you know some things about me. A lot of things. But if you knew the person I really am, the person that hides inside myself...well I'm not saying you wouldn't love me.

But it would change things.

Ben says:

What would change?

Becki Rausch says:

The way you look at me.

Ben says:

How could that possibly change?

Becki Rausch says:

Why is this so fucking hard?

Ben says:

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO.

I just moved $250 into my checking account. I'm 16 minutes away from putting zoey in the car and driving until I'm at your door.

Becki Rausch says:

Please don't do that.

Ben says:

Please don't leave me.

Becki Rausch says:

Just seeing you would break my heart even more than it's already broken.

Ben says:

Why

Why god dammit

Becki Rausch says:

Because. I'm so good at breaking my own damn heart. I don't need any help.

Ben says:

my phone is fully fucking charged, i have 3/4 tank of gas, my tires are full, and i can be there by 6 fucking am

i am not letting this go

i will fight tooth and nail for you

you have no idea

i will scratch my heart out until my fingers are bone and my chest is hollow, i am not letting you go

Becki Rausch says:

Stop it.

Ben says:

i'm two weeks ahead on my homework, i don't even need to be anywhere tomorrow.

and i swear to almighty god, who loves you more than i ever could, that if it comes to it, i will get in my car, drive to your doorstep, and bring you home tomorrow.

you'll meet my mom, who will be incredulous, but i don't even give a fuck anymore

i will fight for you until i die.

and if this kills me...fine.

Becki Rausch says:

Ben, it is pointless for you to drive here until morning just to have me tell you to turn around. That I can't see you. That it hurts too much to see you.

Ben says:

you think i'll let you turn me away? you think after everything i've told you (all of it was true), after everything i've given you (it's yours anyway) and everything i've done for you (it was my honor), that i'll let you turn me away? that's not how this works. in ten minutes i'll be in my car.

fuck, it may even be a faster drive this time, i know the road.

Becki Rausch says:

STOP IT. You are not coming out to see me right now.

Wouldn't it be smarter to wait a few days anyways?

Ben says:

and i will beat down your door until i've woken up the neighborhood and they can all come watch as i drop down and propose to you right then

Becki Rausch says:

Then maybe I'm not hyperventilating and we both have time to think things clearly?

Ben says:

i'm not going to lose you.

that's not going to happen.

i refuse to let this go

i CAN'T let this go

Becki Rausch says:

And I CANNOT see you. Not tonight.

Ben says:

tonight makes perfect sense. i don't have to be anywhere until tuesday.

Becki Rausch says:

You don't understand.

The harder you push, I'm gonna push back.

Ben says:

Why?

god dammit why

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know, I've been like that ever since I can remember.

Ben says:

Do you love me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes.

But I don't know if I'm IN love with you.

It takes a lot to get me to that point.

Ben says:

...

Becki Rausch says:

A LOT.

Ben says:

What the hell haven't I done?

Becki Rausch says:

It's not about what you have or haven't done.

It's about my stupid ass.

Ben says:

god dammit why can't i send you pictures

fuck

fuck

i'm crying

fuck

Becki Rausch says:

Stop it, stop it. Just breathe.

Ben says:

no god dammit

breathing's too good for me

i can't breathe without you

Frustration

My sexual frustration is getting a little out of hand. I have (and this is 100% true) masturbated for 2 hours straight today. That's a lot of fucking masturbating. AND STILL, I am not satisfied. This can only mean one thing. What's-Her-Face is in need of penis. Poor girl. She knows she can't have it. No way, no how. Doesn't matter, though. She puts me through plenty of torture, and shoves my mind in the gutter.
I'll only be in conversation with a guy for two fucking minutes and I'm already wondering what it would feel like if his hands were on my legs. Then I have to mentally kick myself.
BECKI. You have a boyfriend. An amazing, wonderful boyfriend. And you're thinking these things about some dude you just met?!
So then I feel guilty for five minutes.
When the five minutes are up, I go masturbate, thinking about my boyfriend pinning me down, pulling my hair, biting my lip....
And after masturbating for hours on end, I feel a little better.
Until next time, anyways.

Caution: Depression Ahead

Why am I so scared all the time?
I hope this depression passes.
It always comes in a cycle. I'll be depressed for a week or so. But then I'll be completely fine. How do I tell my brain that it's just a phase? I cry in the shower because I know no one can hear me in there.
I'm so in love with him that it is almost ridiculous.
I imagine him holding me, or even just holding my hand.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I want him. I need him. He's everything I ever dreamed of and more.
The distance is like this constant pain in my stupid fucking heart.
I hate this.
I feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like I'm just going to go insane and break his heart, along with mine. I can't allow that to happen.

Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met?

North Dakota (sort of)

Useless day.

I promised myself I would do some job searching. I ended up just fucking around on the computer all day. I know that I do it on purpose, procrastinating. Why would I want a fucking job? So I could be miserable all day just to have money? I don't even know what to do with money once I get it.

I think I overdosed on junk food. I'm eating chex mix right now and it makes me wanna fucking puke. I love chex mix. But I've been eating junk food for a week straight. I need a god damn steak or something. I would eat the fuck out of that steak.

North Dakota was...interesting. The whole trip was interesting. I'd write about the whole thing, but that would take years. So I'll just do the main highlights.

We woke up at 4 in the morning, got dressed, got pretty, and off we were! I was in charge of holding the map and giving directions. I guess I'm the mother fuckin map queen because I am AWESOME at giving directions. We drove all day, giggled, laughed, got bored, giggled and laughed some more. The whole trip there was enjoyable.


We interrupt this broadcast with a Becki freak out moment:
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I should have told Ben to leave me alone when I had the chance because now he's trying to be all spontaneous and all, "Oh hey, pack up your stuff so you can come stay with me for a couple weeks in Nevada!" No. No no no no no. Stop it. Go away. How do I tell him I'm not interested without feeling responsible when he commits suicide? That sounds so horrible. But he seriously tells me all the time that I'm his 'whole life' and how he has no idea what he would do without me, I'm the center of his universe, blah blah blah..... I can't believe I'm in this mess again. I feel like the worst fucking person on this planet. Jacob deserves so much more than me. I'm not a good person. I tell him over and over and over and yet he refuses to listen. He'll tell me that I'm perfect, that I'm everything he ever wanted. But I don't even have the guts to tell Ben that I don't have the same feelings for him? God damn. I'm so fucked up.

[[Wanna know something really stupid? I love it when he spells my name with an 'e' at the end. Like 'Beckie'. Because he's the only one that spells it that way and he says, "I just like to spell it like that."]]

Great. Now my whole North Dakota story is ruined. I can't write about it because all I can think of is Jacob and how much I wish I deserved him. Ugh. Fuck this. I'm so tired of being depressed.

Today my older sister just kept talking about how awesome LDS people are and how they're all going to heaven. Seriously? That's your topic of conversation when i'm trying to eat my fucking burger? Thanks.

My parents got on my case, yet again, for not having a life. They're concerned that my life isn't going anywhere. My mom is freaking out because she thinks I'll never get married. My dad is scared that I'm a whore. (I'm starting to believe him after thinking about all the bull shit stuff I did with guys)

I'm sick of being who I am.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I hate being in this stupid fucking house with my stupid fucking nonsupporting family.
This pain never goes away.

fjeiraljiovdfakl

Jacob is finally my boyfriend. And I couldn't ask for anyone better. Which is the problem. I'm like...the biggest heartbreaker in the world. And if I hurt him, I will not be able to forgivem myself. I love him.

UGH

Mouth open, gaping, searching, hungry.
My nails scrape against the blood splattered pavement.
Your crooked smile and crooked deeds,
match your ugly insides.
You can be the one to rip me open.
You can sink your teeth into my skin down to the core.
Tear out my very being.
But my beating heart will be the one to put the bullet into your skull.

I wrote this within 5 minutes. I'll have to change it up when I get back form alpha.

Text Message

...I want to tell you something. Ask you something really.
Apr. 2, 1:58 AM
From: Jacob

I have this plan to save up, and find a better job. All this is so that I can afford to get my own place by next year.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob

This plan also involves me getting my own car.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob

I was thinking, that when I get this car, I can make a road trip up there, pick you up, and bring you home with me.
Apr. 2, 2:05 AM
From: Jacob

I'm being serious. I mean it.
Apr. 2, 2:07 AM

I want this, baby. Just say yes to it already.
Apr. 2, 2:11 AM
From: Jacob











UH, YES. :D :D :D

Are you for real?

I woke up to a phone call from Nerd.
"Hey, what are you up to?"
I try to clear my throat so it doesn't sound like I'm just waking up at 2:00 pm. "Oh, uh, not much. How about you?"
"Oh I was just running some errands, I was wondering if you wanted to come with."
"Sure, can you gimme like 20 minutes?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then."
So I go flying out of 'couch'. Rip off my jammies and shove my legs through an old pair of jeans, throw on a shirt, and try to do my hair and make-up within 15 minutes. Yikes. You have no idea how difficult that is when you have frizzy fucking curly hair to the maximum. Anyways, we go around running errands. Sending each other flirty glances and kisses on the cheek and such. I met his little brother and he was one of the coolest 14 year olds I know. So all in all, it was getting to be a pretty okay day so far.
After we drop off his little brother, we headed to my house so he could drop me off. But he missed his exit.
"Wanna go for an adventure?"
And Becki is rarin for adventure so I go, "Hell yeah! I know a place we can go to and check out!"
So we drive to the tunnel by the salt air palace. There's a torn up couch and broken beer bottles, just trash everywhere. Spray painted walls and I know most of the artists of these beautifully rejected walls. I hold up my arms and smile, "This is it! The tunnel!"
He looks around for a second but then grabs me around my waist and pulls me in for a kiss. Alright.
So I kiss him back, but my stomach drops when he starts slowly backing me up against the car. I know where this is going. We're in the middle of nowhere and a guy shoves me against the car and starts kissing me.... Ugh. I don't want to have sex with him. I pull away and say, "No, no, we should get going."
But he's not done with me yet. "Oh come on, you want to. I know you do." And he pulls up my shirt and grabs my tits somewhat roughly. I gasp at the rough contact and struggle to pull my shirt back down, but he keeps his hands in place.
"Becki, why not? Can't we just have sex? Or at least a blow job?"

Mother fucker what?

We are on our second date. And you want to have sex. Or a blow job. Sure, things got kind of crazy the first time we hung out, but can you blame me? I was drunk AND high. That's never happened to me before and I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. But that doesn't give you a free coupon into my pants.
"No, I don't have sex. I told you that."
"Ever?"
What, are you fucking deaf? I told you over and over, I don't have sex.
"Not ever."
"Well, it was good meeting you, Becki. Haha. Just kidding." He said he was kidding, but part of me thinks he's serious. He has suddenly lost interest because I won't put out. He reluctantly gets in the driver's seat and I crawl in the passenger seat.
Silence. The whole way back.
He's holding my hand still, but it's different this time. I think he's holding my hand to keep me from knowing that he's bummed or whatever. When we pull up to my house I lean over and give him a kiss and the only thing he says is, "I had fun." And then kisses me goodbye.

Excuse me, but I would appreciate it. If you would take a step back, and fuck your own face.

About five minutes later, Robert calls. Thank God. I could use some laughter right now, I'm a little pissed off. So Eftichios ( pronounced Eff-tee-hee. He's so greek.), Robert, and Trever come pick me up. When I get in the car, I tell Robert about Nerd and how pissed off I am. Eftichios says, "Oh, you're dating that guy? Dude don't date him. He's a fucking ass."
Me: "Thanks, Eftichios wish you could have told me earlier! But it's okay because he broke his phone today. Which means, hopefully, my phone number is lost forever."
Robert: So are you gonna try things again with Derek?
Me: Fuck that noise. He's treated me so shitty.
Robert: What do you mean?
Me: Well he was always flirtin with girls right in front of me, which didn't bother me except for the fact that he got all jealous when I went on one fucking date.
Robert: Did you know why he's in Oregon? To see if he can get down Megan's pants?
Me: ....wut.
Robert: Yeah, but he probably won't score.
Me: I know, he's got a small ass dick that fucking bastard!
Eftichios: Woah woah woah...who's Meghan?
Me: Oh just this stupid fucking perfect bitch. Derek was flirting with her and hitting on her at a party when we were together.
Eftichios: Are you serious?
Me: Yupp. I'm mostly pissed about it because she's so fucking beautiful. I hate that bitch.
Eftichios: She fine?
Robert: Oh man, she's fucking fine as hell!
Me: Are you kidding me? She's a ten. I give her a ten out of ten. Man, I would do so many naughty things to that girl. It sucks though because when she's in the room, all attention turns to her. And she doesn't even do it on purpose, I don't think. The guys all stop and stare like, 'Dayyuumm!' and then I sit there all feeling invisible and shit.
Eftichios: Oh, Becki. You know I'd fuck you.
Me: Thanks, Eftichios! Oh, I have the greatest friends!
Eftichios: No, I'm serious.
Me: Oh. Wow. Well, Eftichios you are a stud. Seriously. You're like a Greek God.
Eftichios: Thanks. :)
So we went and played pool. I was on Eftichio's team and Robert and Trever were on a team. Laughing, having a good time, everything is going awesome.
I get a text from Derek, speak of the devil. He tells me he's sorry for getting upset when I wouldn't have phone sex with him. He said he was just being a douche and it would never happen again. Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Me: How's your road trip?
Derek: Good except for meghan montoya the bitch
Me: What do you mean?
Derek: She's making me sleep on the fucking floor
[[I'm so glad she's not putting out. Take that you fucking ass lump.]]
Me: wow i'm sorry
Derek: Do you miss me and love me?
Me: Aboslutely.
Derek: I miss and love you too.
Me: You know what? no. I'm pissed.
Derek: Why are you pissed?
Me: You can't come crawling back to me when some chick won't put out.
He kept trying and trying to say sorry. But I'm done. I'm fucking done with guys constantly trying to get in my pants and I'm tired of broken promises. So peace out, bro.

I can't stop looking at that picture Jacob sent me. It's a little distorted, I don't think it sent right. But I don't give a fuck. His smile is intact in the picture and I could just stare at it forever.

I feel bad. He wanted a picture of me.
all of me.
I said yes, but the minute I took my clothes off, I was like Uh uh. Nope. This is not going to work.
I wish I didn't look like such an ugly fat tittied rhino today.

Insanity vs INSANITY

Jacob's ex might be pregnant. And she still wants to break up with her current boyfriend and get back with Jacob.
Fuck that noise!
Not because she might be pregnant.
But I just plain don't like her.

So that's the INSANITY.

Because my day...doesn't even compare. I thought it was insane for a minute. But no.

Last night, Derek told me that he and his girlfriend broke up. And that he really needed to see me. NEEDED. He said needed. So me, being the caring, compassionate, amazing, badass that I am, I go over there. The first thing he does is kiss me. (WTF? Is that every guy's greeting for me now?!) So i'm like...aight. Whatever.
We watched District 9, smoked cigarettes, cuddled. I was enjoying myself, but I knew it wouldn't last. Derek didn't and never can understand me. I tried explaining to him over and over to him that we just aren't compatible. He gets angry too fast and too easily. Why can't you just settle the fuck down and listen to me for two minutes? I mean Jesus Christ!
Next thing I know he's on top of me, kissing, trying to get down my pants. Again. WHY?! What the fucking good hell? What is it with men that they're constantly looking for action? Is sex really that awesome? Fuck man!
I didn't have sex with him. We all know I don't have sex.
But I gave him head. Again.
God, I really need to stop with this fooling around with guys. It's getting embarrassing.
After he finished, he cleaned himself up with a towel and laid down on the couch next to me. I rolled over and stared at him. He really was super good looking. I'll give him that much. "I really did miss you."
I missed him too. Like I said. It wouldn't last.
The next morning, we woke up and I looked like shit. I always look like shit first thing in the morning. Anyways, Derek and I walked to the store, joked around, laughed. Flirted, kissed. All that stupid cute shit. He was texting someone pretty consistently and I knew it was a girl. Probably his ex. But I really didn't care that much. I just thought it was funny that he's such a jealous guy. He can dish it out, but he can't take it. When I went home, I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him.
I walked in my front door and my phone rang. It was Nerd. :) And he wanted to hang out! I guess his new job is closer to my house. SWEET! I was stoked. I hopped in the shower real fast, made myself pretty so I could impress this stupid cute boy, and we went to Atlantis Burger. I was sitting across from him in the booth, sharing onion rings with him.
Nerd: Wow, you have really pretty eyes.
Me: What? No I don't.
Nerd: I think so...wait....I think I see something in your eyes.
Me: What? What do you see? Tell me tell me!
Nerd: I see...that you want my body.
Me: haha! You think you can see that in my eyes?
Nerd: Oh definitely. There are some promiscuous thoughts running through your brain pretty often.
[[Wtf? How does he know that I've been super horny lately?!? Did I send off that vibe?!]]
Me: Um, nope. :D
Nerd: Oh! Oh! You are ice cold!
Me: I'm not cold. Just honest.
Nerd: You're the ice queen!
Me: I just don't have sex.
Nerd: Ever?
Me: Yup. It's been four months now. Goin strong.
Nerd: .....you still want my body.

And I totally. Fucking. Do.
While we were talking and having a good time, all I could think about was the way his hands touched my body that one night and how he ran his tongue along the edge of my ear....god damn. I'm surprised I could keep a conversation with him. All of my focus was on my vagina and how I wanted him. Unnngh.
When he dropped me off at my house, I leaned over my seat to give him a kiss goodbye only to find him turning his head and getting out of the car. What the hell? I get out of the car and he's walking around the car and I go, "You know, you didn't have to get out of the car to say goodbye to me."
He didn't say one word to me, just grabbed my jacket and pulled me in for a kiss.
[[I'm actually having a hard time typing this. That's how fucking horny I am. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.]] So he's leaning against his car and I'm leaning into him, making out with him. Super hot-like.
"Let's just have sex right here," he whispers in my ear and then he lifts me off the ground like I weigh fucking 12 pounds. So now my weight is supported on him, with my legs wrapped around him and he kisses me hard. I literally almost lost control. He buried his teeth into my neck softly and I said, "I don't think my neighbors would appreciate us having sex right in front of their house."
"Nah. Pretty sure we would just give them good ideas." But he puts me down, getting the hint that it's not gonna happen. Of course.
A few kisses later and I tell him, "Okay I really have to go inside now!"
and I give him one final kiss and go inside.

I feel like one of those middle aged divorced women that haven't been laid in forever. [[Cougar status up in here.]] I feel like I'm desperate for sex but at the same time not emotionally ready to put out either. God there is really something wrong with me.

Gonna go call Jacob now and love his cuteness forever.

Nerd

Finally hung out with hella nerd.
Good God.

He lives kinda far away, but he drove out to see me. When I walked outside, he was standing next to his car. It was dark, so it was hard to see him. But his adorable smile just about made me die. I gave him a hug and then he went 90%. Right then and there. I just smiled and teased him with the closeness.
"I could wait all day," he said.
And just when I was about to go in for the kiss, he just kissed my forehead and said, "Well, let's go."

We got in his car and drove to the top of the world. It overlooks all of Salt Lake, and it's gorgeous. We sat down and stared at the lights and drank Chardonnay out of the bottle, talking, flirting. Being all cute and shit.

Got a ticket for trespassing. Figures. I felt like such a bitch. Some date, right? It's all romantic and what not and then HAHA! YOU HAVE TO PAY THIRTY BUCKS FOR PARKING HERE, BITCH! Expensive date. *facepalm*

So I leaned over in his car and said, "I'm sorry. I think you've earned this." And I kissed him. And he told me my tongue was too elusive. Haha.

Then we drove all the way back to his place. He kept one hand on the wheel and held my hand with his other hand. I was grinning like a fool, but I tried not to let him see.

When we pulled up to the house, he pulled out his pipe and weed. "It won't offend you, will it?"
Me: "What? No no, of course not!" I totally lied. I hate weed.
He took a hit and then passed it to me.
"Why'd you pass it to me?! I don't smoke! I don't even know...it's been three years! I can't do this shit!"
He laughed and coughed then said, "I was just handing it to you, but you can smoke it if you wanna."
And I don't know what came over me. My sense of adventurousness? Or something? Maybe it was too much wine. I don't know. But I smoked weed with the Nerd in his car. I didn't feel TOO much different. I felt relaxed, there was a dull numbness that settled over my body. And all of a sudden, everything was fucking funny. Ha!
We settled down on the couch inside his apartment to watch a scary movie. Which ended up just being hilarious. He was yelling, "OH MY GOD THAT BITCH JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!" And I would start laughing. Then we would start kissing. And giggling. And cuddling. And kissing. And giggling some more.
After the movie was over (which we barely watched) he said, "Let's take this to le bedroom!"
I'm thinking, holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck. He probably expects me to have sex with him. I can't do that. I can't do that! I can't have sex! Smoking weed is one thing!
He pushes me down on the bed and gaaaaaaaaaaaah! His hands were everywhere!
I liked it.
I could feel my skin get hot when his hands slid under my shirt, softly rubbing, and raking his nails lightly on my lower back. My hips involuntarily lifted and I gasped. Apparently smoking weed doesn't make your skin numb. At all. I rolled over and straddled him and he pulled my shirt the rest of the way off then grabbed my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. Having his tongue in my mouth made my head swim and I pushed my hips hard up against his. Then he did this thing....oh dear god, he raked his teeth from my shoulder all the way up my neck and I moaned. So fucking loud. Nobody has ever...like...you have no idea. It was one of the hottest moments of my life. I lost track of my hands, they were all over the place at that point.
He tugged on my hair a little bit and I pulled his body impossibly closer to mine.
When he shoved his hand down my pants I started to protest. I don't usually...well not just anyone gets to see my vagina let alone touch it. It's just that my vagina is very special to me. Haha!
Anyways, I started to protest but I stopped protesting when he shoved one finger inside me.
Then when he ran his tongue up the center of my chest, I thought my mind might implode on itself.
I don't know how it happened, but his pants were off. And I wasn't complaining. I was stroking him and enjoying it a little too much.
I could tell what he wanted, and I wanted to give it to him.
But then...a song came on the radio. A song by Rihanna. And all of a sudden, Jacob's singing voice was loud and clear in my head. I love his singing voice. I love him. And I felt guilty, I felt...I couldn't go through with this. I can't give a this guy head when I've got Jacob's voice in MY head. And just when I was about to say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this,'' he shoved a second finger inside me. I don't know how he managed that, because getting my own two fingers inside myself is a challenge. I almost screamed. Seriously. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from making too many joyous noises. And right when that happened, he finished also.
How convenient. Just when I was gonna put on the brakes, he finishes. But so did I. So I ain't even mad.
We fell asleep on that mattress on his bedroom floor, cuddling and talking til we fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, god damn it was cute. I looked like fucking hell. Seriously. I looked like shit. But he of course looked like super amazingness. Just tired. And I wanted to steal all the freckles off of his cute ass face and put them in my special box.
On the drive back...ugh. I hate this stage. It's the 'I kind of like you, but I don't know if you like me as much as I like you so I'm still gonna distance it' stage. I fucking hate that shit. If you like me, then just fucking steal me away. Don't make me play this 'do you really like me' game. He held my hand on the drive back, we kissed at stop lights. Which was super fucking adorable.

I was on cloud nine for about 10 minutes after I walked in the door.
Then the conflict and depression hit me again.

What the fuck am I doing? What the hell do I think I'm doing? This guy, probably isn't even interested in someone like me. Are you stupid, Becki? Are you fucking stupid?

I felt like I had somehow betrayed Jacob, and myself.
I went against my morals, I did something I hate. I smoked weed. I wanted to have an experience with this guy that was real, something that I could remember the next day and be sure about. Instead I got high, drank too much wine and vodka, and almost went down on him. What the hell? What does that say about me? That I'm a slutty girl that likes to suck dick? Fuck. I don't want to be that.
I felt even more guilty, wishing that I had had this amazing day with Jacob.
Wishing it had been his hands all over my body.
Wishing it had been his lips I was kissing.
Wishing it had been his eyes I was staring into.


I called him tonight. His voice makes all of my problems disappear. I hear his voice and I instantly smile, my heart jumps. It's love. I know it is.
He might be getting back with his ex. Yes, I have a slight problem with this. Not because I'm jealous, that's not it at all.
I swear to God, if she breaks his heart again, I will hunt her down and kick that cunt into a bloody pulp. I do not want him hurt. More than anything. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be so happy that it's almost retarded how happy he is. And if she's what makes him happy, then oh my fucking goodness he should be with her. Every day, every second. If doing open mic at the comedy club makes him happy, then I want him to do that. If playing xbox live all day everyday makes him happy, then he should do that! It's when he's hurt that I can't stand. When he's hurting, I just want to sit in his lap, wrap my arms around him tight, and never let go. I don't want her to hurt him.
I could hear his voice getting sleepier as I talked to him.
"Should we get some sleep baby?"
I said, "No. No, don't sleep. I don't want to say goodbye to your voice yet."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I'm just scared that if I hang up the phone...what if I never hear your voice again?" I know. Me and my stupid irrational fears.
"I'm always going to be here for you baby."

4i$#FWI(3wrMVB

Why is he so perfect?