I'm just a big giant emotional wreck today.
All I can think about is Tiffany and Jayde and how they both want Jonathan and he very well could choose either of them over me because let's face it I live clear the fuck in Utah and I'm the girl with tons and tons of problems, why would he ever choose me over either of them?
And I don't have sex, I don't want to have sex ever again, not after everything that has happened with me. I am through, it scares me. It scares the shit out of me. MEN scare the shit out of me.
What if we fail? What if I totally fuck up our relationship? It's bound to happen, I fuck up every relationship I've ever been in. I'll probably screw this up and I'll probably never get to be with someone forever. I'm going to end up alone and I'll have no one to blame but myself.
I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but right now I don't give a fuck. I can't keep going like this, I can't stand the feeling of lying there trying to sleep, and I feel empty on the inside, I feel lonely on the outside. All I want is Jonathan, and I can't have him.
Jayde gets to have him, Tiffany gets to have him, but I'm stuck in Utah, craving for him and that craving is never satisfied. I don't even know what it feels like to hold his hand.
I can't be strong all the time. Yes, I'm going to get jealous every now and then. Especially when I've been emotional lately. Yeah, I'm gonna get tired of the distance.
But I need to keep hopeful, maybe one day I'll get to fall asleep in his arms.
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