god. fucking. damn it.

Even though I was expecting this, it kind of hit me in the face. My stomach sank and my hands started shaking, which is what happens every time I get anxiety.

I feel guilty. I shouldn't be jealous, I shouldn't be upset. But I am. I put my phone down on the kitchen table and searched my liquor cabinet for something to calm my nerves. Or at least buzz my feelings.
It's not like I fucking own him. But still. Every time I would say, "We're best friends." It was like my stupid way of saying, "God fucking damn it I love you and I don't even realize it myself." And I'm glad he told me. I was just kind of waiting for him to tell me. For the past week I'd had a feeling he was seeing someone. We stopped saying 'I love you' on the phone. Which sucks, but it was probably for the best anyways. I have a boyfriend. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that. And whenever I think of myself getting married, whenever I picture it, Andreas isn't the one standing at the end of the aisle smiling at me. It's not him.
I tell myself all the time, "Jonathan and I are just friends. Just friends. Just friends." I think if my heart could punch myself in the face, it would. And it would say, "Get your shit together, Becki. You know who you're supposed to be with. Don't fuck this up."

I have a tendency to ignore my heart so then I don't hurt myself. But I hurt myself anyways. So I just can't win.

OH and who the fuck is this girl that he's seeing? Is she good to him? She better be a fucking angel that fell straight out of heaven. She better be the nicest, sweetest, and caring person on this god damned earth because I swear if she hurts him even a little bit I will tear her apart. With my words. Because lets face it, I can't fight. Or maybe I'll just pee in her fridge. I hope she's better than me. I hope she makes him happy. I hope she can treat him better than I never did. I always took him for granted.

When he told me he was seeing someone, I was so angry. So fucking angry. I had no right to be mad. In fact, it's so hypocritical of me. Which makes me angry at myself. So then I just got angry. But I didn't want him to know I was angry. I wanted him to feel like he can tell me anything, because I do, I want him to tell me anything and everything because I love him. Fuck.

Fuck.

And if he falls for her, and she falls for him....what will happen to me?
I don't know who I am without him.

Falling Apart

I find out if my best friend has cancer or not today. Her results for her biopsy are in and she's going to the doctor's.
Everything is falling apart around me. I don't have Jonathan anymore to hold me together. He used to be the glue in my life. I had a mental breakdown this morning. I quit my job. Well, I didn't actually quit. I just decided to never show up ever again. I can't do it. I can't work there. I sat on my boyfriend's bathroom floor, trying not to cry and smoking a cigarette. Trying not to think about how much of a mess my life is. Trying not to think about how much I wish I could pick up the phone and call Jonathan. Because I know even if I did, I wouldn't hear what I want to hear. I wouldn't hear him say that everything is okay, that he's always going to be there for me. I was laying on my bed, trying to take a nap and I had my phone in my hand. When I drifted off to sleep, I had a dream he called me and I answered. We talked just like we used to. When I woke up, it felt so real that I had to check my phone because I wasn't sure if it was really a dream or not.
The worst of it all is not knowing what he's thinking, or if he's okay. What does he think about when he goes to sleep at night? Does he hate me for breaking my promise?
I don't want him to hate me.
Even though I hate myself for cutting him out of my life.
I used to be able to write anything here, and now I feel like I have to watch what I say. He probably doesn't read this anymore, but still.
I lost him and now everything feels wrong and out of place.

Losing a best friend is the worst thing anyone could ever go through.
This is the second time for me.
First it was Adrianna. It still hurts when I think about her.
Now it's Jonathan, and my heart breaks every day. Every minute. I don't know why I lose the people I love. I don't know why I'm such an idiot.
I try so hard to be a good person, to be the kind of person I want to be, but it's never enough. I don't think anyone ever sees how hard I try. I want to be a good friend, I want to be a good girlfriend.
I want to get married, I want to have kids, and I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. I try so fucking hard, and it's never enough. My dreams are always out of reach. I can never be enough, I can never try hard enough.

I feel like I'm not allowed to have fun.
I feel guilty for having a good time last night. I actually had a fucking good time for once. Even when I was surrounded by a bunch of douches, I had fun.
But then, once I got home, I felt guilty. Partly because I don't feel like I deserve it. People who have jobs and have a productive life deserve to have fun. Not a shitty nobody like me. I feel guilty because I was out having fun, and Jonathan probably stayed up waiting for my call. It was different when we first started talking regularly. I could stay out all night and it was no big deal, I'd just tell him all about my day, he'd tell me he missed me. But now, if I stay out too much, he gets upset. I don't know if that's okay or not. Should he be getting upset? I mean, I guess he has a point. I should be getting home at a fucking decent time, getting sleep, doing normal people responsibilities. But i'm not a normal person and I hate responsibilities.
He doesn't like it when I drink either, and I'm not sure what to do about that.
He's probably right.
But he knew what he was getting himself into, right? A broken, totally fucked up girl who likes to go out and drink and forget about her fucked up life. That's me. That's always been me.

Things I don't want to talk about:

I am terrible with my love life and relationships. That's why I usually keep my love life behind closed doors. But that always caused problems for me. Guys hit on me, I get attached, I emotionally run away because I don't know how to tell them about what's really going on with me. I'm used to running away.
Oh, and on top of that, I seem to have guys falling for me left and right. Well, they're either falling for me or they're hoping to jam the beaver. Sometimes I can't tell the difference. I'm so romantically stupid that I don't know what to do about it.
I don't want to talk about Jonathan and I being exclusive because I don't think I can fucking do it.  When I met him, I was already dating another man. Which is weird, right? You're not supposed to meet your soul mate and cheat on your boyfriend with your soul mate. That is some fucked up shit. But it happened. I feel like I don't even know how to be exclusive because we've had an open relationship for so long. And it's not like I'm going to go around making out with guys or fucking them or whatever. I just can't fuck this up with Jonathan. I have to try to keep him, and I try so fucking hard already. I really want to work for this, but I feel dysfunctional. Like I don't know what I'm doing. But I keep trying anyways. I love him, I want to be with him, but I don't know if I can do the exclusive thing. Not when it's still long distance, not when I still haven't seen him face to face.
I don't want to talk about how I don't want to meet his sister. I don't want to meet her or his family until after I've met him and spent time with him. Which I know is unfair because I'll be with my family. I know it's completely unfair.
I don't want to talk about how uncomfortable I am with sex. I hate it. I hate that I'm so terrified of sex. I want to want to have sex. Why can't I be like that? It's frustrating, and I'm self conscious about it. What type of guy wants to date a girl who never wants to have sex? I feel like a shitty girlfriend and every time Jonathan wants to, my brain freezes, I totally freeze, I freak out, I get anxiety, I just can't. If I have one or two beers in me, sure I'm a little more brave and I'm more willing to. Which makes me feel fucking shitty.
Oh and while I'm on the subject, I don't want to talk about the incurable STD I have that in some cases if gone untreated, which I have been for over 3 years, can cause cancer. Fucking awesome, right? As if I didn't have enough problems being self conscious. I hate the way I look naked. I hate it. I don't want to talk about how sex makes me feel disgusting, how when I see myself naked in the mirror I ask myself who would want me and I can't come up with an answer for myself.
I don't want to talk about the doubts I have that Jonathan and I will work out. I know that doubts are normal. At least I think they are. They aren't always specific and they come and go. I never talk about them.
I don't want to talk about how I still have issues fitting in with my family. It's not their fault. As much as I would like it to be, as much as I would love to blame them, I can't. My family is accepting, honest, and they're good people. They're just different from me. It's my fault that I don't fit in because I set myself apart from them. Actually, I set myself apart from everyone. I'm so different that I feel like an alien on this damn planet.
I don't want to talk about the fact that I never want to talk about serious things. I push everything down and ignore it for as long as possible.
I don't want to talk about how much I drink or how much I always want to.
I don't want to talk about my guilt issues. I feel so guilty for not talking about my issues. I feel guilty for having doubts, I feel guilty for being a bitch, I feel guilty for not having a job, I feel guilty for not wanting a job, I feel guilty for the way I treat people, I feel guilty for being a shit girlfriend. I always try to make people happy and it backfires in my face all the time. Which makes me feel even more guilty.
I don't want to talk about the fact that ever since Adrianna disappeared my heart has been shattered and I don't know if it can be repaired. I second guess everyone I get close to. I'm just scared they'll leave me or decide other things are more important than me. People in my life just tend to leave me. The only person I trust won't leave me is Jonathan.

And I don't want to talk about it.
I. Don't. Want. To. Fucking. Talk. About. It.

Becki Bible: February 2012

"Doctor...I feel BLOATED!" -Diddy

Feb. 8, 2012 I wish I didn't have to take the damn GED test. Walking into that high school was fucking awful. My anxiety went through the roof and I was reminded of why I hated high school so much and why I dropped out. I don't think anyone really understands how terrible high school was for me. I wasn't bullied, I was invisible. I spent lunch in the library or if I wasn't there, I was in what everyone referred to as 'the reject corner'. It was a corner in a hallway where the rejects ate lunch. We weren't friends, but we didn't want to eat lunch alone. There were always different people in the corner. A nerd, a drama geek, a couple of goths, a pot head, that awkward Asian kid,  and a few people like me: the quiet invisible people.  We didn't talk much in the corner. Just ate in silence, but it wasn't an awkward silence. We somehow all knew that we only ate together to avoid eating alone.  Once in awhile a few of the rejects would hit it off and become friends, but then they would have each other and they would no longer be rejects, so they'd leave the corner. Sometimes (most of the time) I would skip class to go cry in the girl's bathroom. I was so depressed that it felt difficult to breathe. I was alone and it was one of the worst feelings in the world. I hated waking up in the morning to find that I was alive.
And even though I'm not in high school anymore, walking into any type of school freaks me the fuck out.

Feb. 10,2012
Things my boyfriend does that are fuckin cute and quirky and make me love him more:

• When he laughs so hard that he physically assaults his furniture
• The fact that he can't stand when people touch the paddle after eating finger food
• When he rocks back and forth when he's nervous
• How big his eyes get when he's surprised
• How his laugh sounds like a hyena
• The wide mouth bass
• The smile on his face when he sees me smiling
• How cute his face looks squished against his pillow

Feb. 11, 2012
"The brave things in the old tales and songs, Mr. Frodo: adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of sport, as you might say. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually -their paths were laid that way, as you put it." -Samwise Gamgee, The Lord Of The Rings

Feb. 12, 2012
If I'm ever in a room full of hipsters, I'm gonna say things that would shock and annoy them- and pretend to be completely serious about it. Like

• "So did you guys hear the new Nickelback album?" 
• "I wish Justin Beiber did the Twilight sound track."
• "I've been on the all-bacon diet for three weeks and it's AMAZING!"

Hannah and John

She didn't seem like the type of girl you would expect to see sitting at the bar by herself, but you could find her sitting there every Friday. Thomas had his eyes on her that night, and even though it took a couple drinks and a lot of courage, he finally approached her.
"Hey. I'm Thomas."
She didn't even glace at him. She finished her drink in a modest gulp instead. "Yeah." was all she said.
Thomas fidgeted. "Uh...can I buy you a drink? Your glass is empty."
She turned her head, looked him up and down and smiled. "Have a seat, Thomas."
He exhaled and sat in the chair next to her.
"What are you drinkin?"
"Jack and Coke." she replied.
Thomas raised his eyebrows. "A whiskey girl, huh? Wouldn't have pegged you for that."
"And why is that?" she inquired, although she was pretty certain she knew the answer.
"I don't know very many hot girls that drink whiskey. Especially drink whiskey while wearing high heels."
She smiled again. "Yeah. Well do you often come to the comedy club to pick up high heel wearin' whiskey drinkin' hot chicks?"
Thomas laughed. "Nah. This place serves the best nachos. And my favorite comedian performs here. You ever see John Doe's stand up?"
She raised and eyebrow, interested. "Sure, he just finished his set a few minutes ago."
"That guy is fuckin hilarious!"
She didn't say anything, but she had an odd smile on her face. This guy was trying too hard to strike up conversation. Trying too hard to impress her. At least he bought her booze.
There was a voice behind them. "Hey, baby."
They turned to see the comedian John Doe standing there.
"Oh, John. I want you to meet a friend of mine," she said, "This is Thomas. He was nice enough to buy me a drink. Thomas, this is my boyfriend."
Thomas' eyes grew wide. "You're Hannah?!"
"Yeah...." John said, "This is my girlfriend. So, Thomas, did you like the show?"
Before Thomas could answer Hannah interrupted, "Babe, are you ready to go?"
"Well I was thinking we could stay for-"
"John, I'm pretty sure it's time to go." she said forcefully.
"Yeah, okay."
"Thanks for the drink," Hannah said. She took John's hand and they headed for the door.
"Are you sure you wanna go?" John asked, "Cuz you could always go blow Thomas in the bathroom before we leave."
"Shut the fuck up, John. You have no room to talk after last week with that seventeen year old whore. I swear to God, your eyes were just glued to her tits."
People turned and watched them leave the club, arguing as they went. Hannah's high heels were clicking on the floor and John was nodding to the familiar fans as he left.
He continued the argument,"Can you blame me? Those tits were HUGE!"
"You're such an asshole."
When they got to the car John opened the car door for her. Not because he considered himself a gentleman, but because he knew Hannah would bitch if he didn't. John sat in the passenger seat, wishing she would let him drive at least once in awhile. There was silence for awhile until John finally broke the silence.
"Can we pick up those nacho fry things?"
"Not until you say sorry for staring at that girls' tits."
John spoke carefully, "Okay....I'm not sorry. BUT, baby listen, your boobs are way better. They're perkier and just perfect. I promise. I'll stare at them for forty minutes if it will make you feel better. I'll motor boat. Them. I'll kiss them. I'll take my dick and-"
"Okay, okay!" Hannah stopped him, laughing. "We'll go get 'nacho fry things'. You know I love you, right?"
"I love you too."
"You're still an asshole."
"I know.