god. fucking. damn it.

Even though I was expecting this, it kind of hit me in the face. My stomach sank and my hands started shaking, which is what happens every time I get anxiety.

I feel guilty. I shouldn't be jealous, I shouldn't be upset. But I am. I put my phone down on the kitchen table and searched my liquor cabinet for something to calm my nerves. Or at least buzz my feelings.
It's not like I fucking own him. But still. Every time I would say, "We're best friends." It was like my stupid way of saying, "God fucking damn it I love you and I don't even realize it myself." And I'm glad he told me. I was just kind of waiting for him to tell me. For the past week I'd had a feeling he was seeing someone. We stopped saying 'I love you' on the phone. Which sucks, but it was probably for the best anyways. I have a boyfriend. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that. And whenever I think of myself getting married, whenever I picture it, Andreas isn't the one standing at the end of the aisle smiling at me. It's not him.
I tell myself all the time, "Jonathan and I are just friends. Just friends. Just friends." I think if my heart could punch myself in the face, it would. And it would say, "Get your shit together, Becki. You know who you're supposed to be with. Don't fuck this up."

I have a tendency to ignore my heart so then I don't hurt myself. But I hurt myself anyways. So I just can't win.

OH and who the fuck is this girl that he's seeing? Is she good to him? She better be a fucking angel that fell straight out of heaven. She better be the nicest, sweetest, and caring person on this god damned earth because I swear if she hurts him even a little bit I will tear her apart. With my words. Because lets face it, I can't fight. Or maybe I'll just pee in her fridge. I hope she's better than me. I hope she makes him happy. I hope she can treat him better than I never did. I always took him for granted.

When he told me he was seeing someone, I was so angry. So fucking angry. I had no right to be mad. In fact, it's so hypocritical of me. Which makes me angry at myself. So then I just got angry. But I didn't want him to know I was angry. I wanted him to feel like he can tell me anything, because I do, I want him to tell me anything and everything because I love him. Fuck.

Fuck.

And if he falls for her, and she falls for him....what will happen to me?
I don't know who I am without him.