Standing up for myself, for once.

I don't know what I was thinking when I sent Jayde that message on facebook. The one that said I'd greatly appreciate it if she stayed away from Jonathan. I guess I just kind of wanted to stand up for something I believed in, for once in my life. And I believe in Jonathan and I. I know that if we both want this to work, it's gonna fucking work.

But I didn't expect those words from her. About how Jonathan never told her anything about a girlfriend, about how he could possibly be two-timing me. I don't know why I would be bothered by what she was saying. She was obviously just being an upset, jealous ex girlfriend. What really bothered me was that there was a little part of me that kind of believed her. Maybe he didn't tell her anything about me because he didn't want her to know about me. Which I would completely understand, I really would. I never told Zack about Jonathan, after all. The hard part to swallow was when she said he was probably lying. If he wasn't comfortable in telling people I'm his girlfriend, I'm actually completely fine with that. I still can't work up the guts to tell Adrianna about him. But what if while she was creating this drama, he didn't even stand up for me? What if he really said, "Oh, she's not my girlfriend." What if they didn't really stop talking, but he just told me they did to make me feel better?

And god damn it, why am I believing this stupid bitch over jonathan, I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I have trust issues, but isn't this getting a little ridiculous. He said he would never lie to me, and he won't. Right?

I just want him to be happy, and I want him to be honest. The worst thing he could ever do is lie to me or keep things from me. So if he wanted to be with Jayde then god damn it he should say it. If he wanted to live in fucking Missouri, then he should say it. I've told him everything there can be known about me. So I'm ripped open raw for him, and I'm so fucking scared I've never been this scared in my life to be hurt. But I would be hurt over and over again, just for him. I've never known anyone who could not only accept me but love me for who I am completely. If he ever did end up hurting me, well alright then. Because I enjoyed every single fucking little second with him. I love him so god damn much.

I'm going to try to put Jayde out of my mind. Jonathan said she's gone, and I'm going to try my best to believe that. He said he'd never lie to me, and I'm going to try my best to believe that.