Nerd

Finally hung out with hella nerd.
Good God.

He lives kinda far away, but he drove out to see me. When I walked outside, he was standing next to his car. It was dark, so it was hard to see him. But his adorable smile just about made me die. I gave him a hug and then he went 90%. Right then and there. I just smiled and teased him with the closeness.
"I could wait all day," he said.
And just when I was about to go in for the kiss, he just kissed my forehead and said, "Well, let's go."

We got in his car and drove to the top of the world. It overlooks all of Salt Lake, and it's gorgeous. We sat down and stared at the lights and drank Chardonnay out of the bottle, talking, flirting. Being all cute and shit.

Got a ticket for trespassing. Figures. I felt like such a bitch. Some date, right? It's all romantic and what not and then HAHA! YOU HAVE TO PAY THIRTY BUCKS FOR PARKING HERE, BITCH! Expensive date. *facepalm*

So I leaned over in his car and said, "I'm sorry. I think you've earned this." And I kissed him. And he told me my tongue was too elusive. Haha.

Then we drove all the way back to his place. He kept one hand on the wheel and held my hand with his other hand. I was grinning like a fool, but I tried not to let him see.

When we pulled up to the house, he pulled out his pipe and weed. "It won't offend you, will it?"
Me: "What? No no, of course not!" I totally lied. I hate weed.
He took a hit and then passed it to me.
"Why'd you pass it to me?! I don't smoke! I don't even know...it's been three years! I can't do this shit!"
He laughed and coughed then said, "I was just handing it to you, but you can smoke it if you wanna."
And I don't know what came over me. My sense of adventurousness? Or something? Maybe it was too much wine. I don't know. But I smoked weed with the Nerd in his car. I didn't feel TOO much different. I felt relaxed, there was a dull numbness that settled over my body. And all of a sudden, everything was fucking funny. Ha!
We settled down on the couch inside his apartment to watch a scary movie. Which ended up just being hilarious. He was yelling, "OH MY GOD THAT BITCH JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!" And I would start laughing. Then we would start kissing. And giggling. And cuddling. And kissing. And giggling some more.
After the movie was over (which we barely watched) he said, "Let's take this to le bedroom!"
I'm thinking, holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck. He probably expects me to have sex with him. I can't do that. I can't do that! I can't have sex! Smoking weed is one thing!
He pushes me down on the bed and gaaaaaaaaaaaah! His hands were everywhere!
I liked it.
I could feel my skin get hot when his hands slid under my shirt, softly rubbing, and raking his nails lightly on my lower back. My hips involuntarily lifted and I gasped. Apparently smoking weed doesn't make your skin numb. At all. I rolled over and straddled him and he pulled my shirt the rest of the way off then grabbed my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. Having his tongue in my mouth made my head swim and I pushed my hips hard up against his. Then he did this thing....oh dear god, he raked his teeth from my shoulder all the way up my neck and I moaned. So fucking loud. Nobody has ever...like...you have no idea. It was one of the hottest moments of my life. I lost track of my hands, they were all over the place at that point.
He tugged on my hair a little bit and I pulled his body impossibly closer to mine.
When he shoved his hand down my pants I started to protest. I don't usually...well not just anyone gets to see my vagina let alone touch it. It's just that my vagina is very special to me. Haha!
Anyways, I started to protest but I stopped protesting when he shoved one finger inside me.
Then when he ran his tongue up the center of my chest, I thought my mind might implode on itself.
I don't know how it happened, but his pants were off. And I wasn't complaining. I was stroking him and enjoying it a little too much.
I could tell what he wanted, and I wanted to give it to him.
But then...a song came on the radio. A song by Rihanna. And all of a sudden, Jacob's singing voice was loud and clear in my head. I love his singing voice. I love him. And I felt guilty, I felt...I couldn't go through with this. I can't give a this guy head when I've got Jacob's voice in MY head. And just when I was about to say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this,'' he shoved a second finger inside me. I don't know how he managed that, because getting my own two fingers inside myself is a challenge. I almost screamed. Seriously. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from making too many joyous noises. And right when that happened, he finished also.
How convenient. Just when I was gonna put on the brakes, he finishes. But so did I. So I ain't even mad.
We fell asleep on that mattress on his bedroom floor, cuddling and talking til we fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, god damn it was cute. I looked like fucking hell. Seriously. I looked like shit. But he of course looked like super amazingness. Just tired. And I wanted to steal all the freckles off of his cute ass face and put them in my special box.
On the drive back...ugh. I hate this stage. It's the 'I kind of like you, but I don't know if you like me as much as I like you so I'm still gonna distance it' stage. I fucking hate that shit. If you like me, then just fucking steal me away. Don't make me play this 'do you really like me' game. He held my hand on the drive back, we kissed at stop lights. Which was super fucking adorable.

I was on cloud nine for about 10 minutes after I walked in the door.
Then the conflict and depression hit me again.

What the fuck am I doing? What the hell do I think I'm doing? This guy, probably isn't even interested in someone like me. Are you stupid, Becki? Are you fucking stupid?

I felt like I had somehow betrayed Jacob, and myself.
I went against my morals, I did something I hate. I smoked weed. I wanted to have an experience with this guy that was real, something that I could remember the next day and be sure about. Instead I got high, drank too much wine and vodka, and almost went down on him. What the hell? What does that say about me? That I'm a slutty girl that likes to suck dick? Fuck. I don't want to be that.
I felt even more guilty, wishing that I had had this amazing day with Jacob.
Wishing it had been his hands all over my body.
Wishing it had been his lips I was kissing.
Wishing it had been his eyes I was staring into.


I called him tonight. His voice makes all of my problems disappear. I hear his voice and I instantly smile, my heart jumps. It's love. I know it is.
He might be getting back with his ex. Yes, I have a slight problem with this. Not because I'm jealous, that's not it at all.
I swear to God, if she breaks his heart again, I will hunt her down and kick that cunt into a bloody pulp. I do not want him hurt. More than anything. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be so happy that it's almost retarded how happy he is. And if she's what makes him happy, then oh my fucking goodness he should be with her. Every day, every second. If doing open mic at the comedy club makes him happy, then I want him to do that. If playing xbox live all day everyday makes him happy, then he should do that! It's when he's hurt that I can't stand. When he's hurting, I just want to sit in his lap, wrap my arms around him tight, and never let go. I don't want her to hurt him.
I could hear his voice getting sleepier as I talked to him.
"Should we get some sleep baby?"
I said, "No. No, don't sleep. I don't want to say goodbye to your voice yet."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I'm just scared that if I hang up the phone...what if I never hear your voice again?" I know. Me and my stupid irrational fears.
"I'm always going to be here for you baby."

4i$#FWI(3wrMVB

Why is he so perfect?