North Dakota

I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I moved to North Dakota. It means that I probably wouldn't be able to have a chance to talk to Jonathan. At all. For maybe months at a time. It'll put a serious strain on our relationship. I'm so fucking embarrassed. I can't tell Adrianna about Jonathan! She's gonna hate me so bad. And i'm going to be living with her for Christ's sakes. On top of that, Jordan is really excited to be hanging out with us. Adrianna told me it would be really awesome if I dated Jordan. Pfft whut?! Date Jordan? Seriously? I can't do that! I already love Jonathan. He's the one I love, he's the one I want. But not having him next to me is getting really old. I keep craving the physical body next to mine. So then I go running off, making out with someone else or cuddling and flirting with someone else. But it should be him. It should always be him. He offered me money, so that I could have an easier time getting started in North Dakota. But I always feel guilty accepting money from other people. Besides, I should be fine. Adrianna will be taking care of me for the first little bit. Once I get a job, I'll be able to pay her back and get a phone and what not.

I keep playing the 'what if' game. What if I get a job up there? Then I'll be able to get a phone faster, I'll be able to start saving up for a place with Jonathan. Which also makes me nervous because he wants to get a place with Charlie. I thought it would be awesome at first, but I'm not really comfortable with it right now. Maybe because I get really jealous of her. She seems like...I dunno more of Jonathan's type I guess. I'm just awkward and...stupid. If all three of us get a place, I'll feel like I have to compete with her for his attention or something gay like that. I don't know. I'm just nervous. If I don't get up a job up in North Dakota, then i won't be any worse off than I am now. Well, I don't know if that's true. I'll Adrianna even more money. Fuck. I can't get into debt, especially to her. I want to be a good friend, I don't wanna be a mooch or whatever. This decision has been so hard, but I know it's something I have to do. I have to give this a chance, and I have to give myself a chance. I know it will be hard, and I'll probably screw everything up, but I have to try.