Stuck

They never stop talking. Never stop laughing, never stop moving.
I'm wedged here, I can't move.
And the noise keeps getting louder and louder.
The chaos is squeezing around my throat and suffocating me.
I have no way to escape, I'm stuck in this house, with all it's noise, with the sleeplessness, with not even one fucking room for quiet.

I'm invisible to even my family. The ones that are supposed to be there for me forever, no matter what. I don't know if it's because I shut them out, or if it's because they shut me out. I can sit on the couch and scream for someone to look at me and they won't even notice.
But at the same time, I can't get away. It's a constant itch that won't be soothed.

I just want to be happy, I want to smile effortlessly.

I want Jon's arms around me at night, I want to listen to him breathe right before he drifts off to sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be loved, despite my flaws, right here and now.

He's the only thing that I hold to.
The only thing that keeps me from floating into space.
He's the only thing that I hope for, that I think about, he's the only real thing in my life. And I pray to God that he is for real. That it's everything he says. That I really mean something to him.

Our relationship has evolved so much, I thought I had my emotions under control. I thought that I could only feel so much for him, I told myself that I would keep him at a distance. Just in case. Which was wrong in the first place, but can you blame me? And the more he tells me, the more he lets me in, the more I let him into my heart.

I don't remember when I first told him I loved him. I barely even remember the first time I talked to him. I sure as hell don't remember our first phone call. I feel like I've known him forever, I feel like I've loved him my whole life.

It's stupid when I wonder if he really loves me, but sometimes I do.
And it pisses me off that when I text him he always sends me one-word responses. Always! For Christ's sakes have something to say to your girlfriend! Bah! But for the most part I laugh it off and shake my head. It's kind of cute that my boyfriend sucks at texting.

What really eats at me is that he's the only one that knows everything about me.
And he's so far away. He can't hold me in my worst moments.

Like today.

When I sat in the bathroom and cried for no particular reason at all.