Oh, Fuck. :(

Ben says:

Hey.

Becki Rausch says:

Hey

Ben says:

I'm really freaking out right now...the last time you said something lik "I just pretend to be someone I'm not on a daily basis", I almost lost you.

Becki Rausch says:

Yup

Ben says:

Is that what's happening now?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know.

Ben says:

Please don't do this. I can't lose you.

Becki Rausch says:

I can't pretend to be someone else. It's not fair to you.

Ben says:

Have you been pretending with me?

Becki Rausch says:

Some of the time, I suppose I am.

Ben says:

When?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know, it's not like I can name dates and times.

Ben says:

Do you love me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes. But not as much as you love me.

Ben says:

Why do you say that?

Becki Rausch says:

Because. I can just tell. Your attachment is so much deeper on your end than it is on mine.

Ben says:

Why?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know.

Ben says:

How come now you're telling me that you don't love me like you did, say, 5 hours ago?

Becki Rausch says:

I can't talk about this anymore.

Ben says:

But I have to.

I swear I'll drive out there this instant.

Becki Rausch says:

What good will that do? So then I can just break your heart to your face?

I told you I wasn't a good person.

You didn't believe me.

Ben says:

Are you leaving me?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't fucking know right now.

Ben says:

I can't believe this. Why, Rebecca?

Becki Rausch says:

I wish it were easy to explain what goes through my head. I wish it were easy for me to explain the horrible thoughts I have daily, the lies I tell myself, the lies I tell others. And I was trying so hard to be honest. But I can't even be honest with myself.

Ben says:

Did I wait too long to come see you again?

Becki Rausch says:

No. No no no, it wasn't that. You've been nothing but perfect.

I've been nothing but horrendous.

Ben says:

Have you lied to me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes, but nothing that was like...super big or anything like that.

Ben says:

What was it?

Becki Rausch says:

Let me rephrase. I didn't lie. I just never...told the complete truth about myself.

Ben says:

Then tell me now, rebecca. Tell me now so I can love you for it.

Becki Rausch says:

You could never love me for it.

Ben says:

How do you know? And at this point, what have you got to lose?

Becki Rausch says:

It's been haunting me for a long time, I thought it was a phase, but it's not. I thought the feeling would pass, but it hasn't. I couldn't get baptized because of it. I feel so...out of place. I don't have a place.

Ben says:

What if I came and got you. Right fucking now.

Becki Rausch says:

Wouldn't help.

Ben says:

Why?

Becki Rausch says:

You, and your complete perfection is just a constant reminder of how I don't deserve you. Of how you deserve to be with someone who can give you so much more than I can. You think you know me, and sure, you know some things about me. A lot of things. But if you knew the person I really am, the person that hides inside myself...well I'm not saying you wouldn't love me.

But it would change things.

Ben says:

What would change?

Becki Rausch says:

The way you look at me.

Ben says:

How could that possibly change?

Becki Rausch says:

Why is this so fucking hard?

Ben says:

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO.

I just moved $250 into my checking account. I'm 16 minutes away from putting zoey in the car and driving until I'm at your door.

Becki Rausch says:

Please don't do that.

Ben says:

Please don't leave me.

Becki Rausch says:

Just seeing you would break my heart even more than it's already broken.

Ben says:

Why

Why god dammit

Becki Rausch says:

Because. I'm so good at breaking my own damn heart. I don't need any help.

Ben says:

my phone is fully fucking charged, i have 3/4 tank of gas, my tires are full, and i can be there by 6 fucking am

i am not letting this go

i will fight tooth and nail for you

you have no idea

i will scratch my heart out until my fingers are bone and my chest is hollow, i am not letting you go

Becki Rausch says:

Stop it.

Ben says:

i'm two weeks ahead on my homework, i don't even need to be anywhere tomorrow.

and i swear to almighty god, who loves you more than i ever could, that if it comes to it, i will get in my car, drive to your doorstep, and bring you home tomorrow.

you'll meet my mom, who will be incredulous, but i don't even give a fuck anymore

i will fight for you until i die.

and if this kills me...fine.

Becki Rausch says:

Ben, it is pointless for you to drive here until morning just to have me tell you to turn around. That I can't see you. That it hurts too much to see you.

Ben says:

you think i'll let you turn me away? you think after everything i've told you (all of it was true), after everything i've given you (it's yours anyway) and everything i've done for you (it was my honor), that i'll let you turn me away? that's not how this works. in ten minutes i'll be in my car.

fuck, it may even be a faster drive this time, i know the road.

Becki Rausch says:

STOP IT. You are not coming out to see me right now.

Wouldn't it be smarter to wait a few days anyways?

Ben says:

and i will beat down your door until i've woken up the neighborhood and they can all come watch as i drop down and propose to you right then

Becki Rausch says:

Then maybe I'm not hyperventilating and we both have time to think things clearly?

Ben says:

i'm not going to lose you.

that's not going to happen.

i refuse to let this go

i CAN'T let this go

Becki Rausch says:

And I CANNOT see you. Not tonight.

Ben says:

tonight makes perfect sense. i don't have to be anywhere until tuesday.

Becki Rausch says:

You don't understand.

The harder you push, I'm gonna push back.

Ben says:

Why?

god dammit why

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know, I've been like that ever since I can remember.

Ben says:

Do you love me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes.

But I don't know if I'm IN love with you.

It takes a lot to get me to that point.

Ben says:

...

Becki Rausch says:

A LOT.

Ben says:

What the hell haven't I done?

Becki Rausch says:

It's not about what you have or haven't done.

It's about my stupid ass.

Ben says:

god dammit why can't i send you pictures

fuck

fuck

i'm crying

fuck

Becki Rausch says:

Stop it, stop it. Just breathe.

Ben says:

no god dammit

breathing's too good for me

i can't breathe without you