Bed Time Stories

I've been away from Fish too often this week. It's getting so bad. He's working a lot but I haven't been making enough effort to see him. I'm okay with not seeing him. That scares me. If you love someone, aren't you supposed to want to be around them...all the time?! And yet, I'd prefer to do things without him, stay home without him.
I called Jacob a couple nights ago.
I asked him to tell me a bed time story.
I'm weird, I know, shut up.
Well he did. Know what the story was about? Star Wars. FUCK YEAH IT WAS ABOUT STAR WARS. I don't know what it is about me and nerdy guys, but they're just super attractive.
So he told me the story of Star Wars (movies 1-3) and it was a two hour long story. I fucking loved every second of it. I've seen Star Wars before although the only movie I haven't seen is the third one. I still hung onto every word. He's hilarious. And adorable.

Then tonight I asked for another bedtime story. This time about spider man. (I have a thing for spider man. He's sexy. Maybe it's because Peter Parker is nerdy?) I hadn't seen the third one. Ironically. And so Jacob told me the story of the third movie in the Spider Man movies. I could listen to his stories all night. Which I pretty much did lol.

And afterwards I heard him sigh, and I sighed and we both wished we weren't apart. His voice moved through my body and made me feel excited, alive. He told me that he wanted to marry me and have 12 kids with me. (GOOD GOD, TWELVE?! I only want ten. haha.) I asked him to tell me something in spanish. He did and when I asked him to translate he said,

"Your voice makes me happy. You make me happy. I can't imagine my life without you. I never want to be without you. And I'm in love with you."

I smiled and held back tears. My conflicted feelings....
Sometimes I'm scared he doesn't mean it.

Telling the Truth

I told him about Jacob.

And he told me, that I would have to change my phone number. That I would never be able to talk to Jacob ever again. Or Carey. Or any of those guys. I was okay with the decision. I love my boyfriend. (Why do I feel like I have to repeat those words to make them true?) And I want things to work out with him. Naturally. I took the battery out of my cell phone and handed it over. I didn't talk to any of those guys.

But it only lasted a week.

Fish and I had been doing fantastic for awhile. I was trying so hard to be a good girlfriend. Trying so hard to make him feel proud of me. Trying so hard to keep my eye from wandering to the other available men. I wanted to make him happy.

I got an email from Jacob that ruined my good streak.
"I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get you out of my head. I can't help but see your face in my dreams. I woke up crying last night, not because of the dream, but because I miss you. I can't forget you. I can't bring myself to try to move on. I can't because I won't. I refuse to stop loving you. Please, come back to me. I still, and will always need you. It can only be you. "

That email just about broke my already shattered-but-taped-back-together heart. I replied telling him I couldn't talk to him, that I promised myself I would stop lying.

He kept repeating himself. 'I don't want to lose you.'

I couldn't stand it.
And the moment I had a chance, I called him.
I had his phone number memorized.
Hearing his voice was the best thing I'd heard in so long.

So now I'm back at it again.
The lying.

FUCK ME, i hate this. I hate it hate it hate it. :(

And let's make matters worse, shall we?
I went Christmas shopping with Fish. It was a stressful day, we'd been fighting on and off. It was both our fault. I had been wearing heels that put me in pain and he hates the way I dress so of course when I bought a coat he didn't like...well it was just a stressful day.
We hugged it out, kissed it out, and I was in a better mood. We were going to watch a movie together. I was super excited cuz I'd just gone on a movie buying binge and I bought five new movies. Couldn't wait to watch The Invention of Lying cuz that movie is fucking HILARIOUS. Go watch it if you haven't.
Fish says, "Babe will you grab my phone? I left it in my pants pocket when I changed."
I reached into the wrong pocket.
And pulled out a wedding ring.
"Uuuuh...honey? What's this?" and I hand him the ring.
He fumbles for words and I know he's lying when he says, "Oh. Um. My mom found it when she was cleaning and it's my dad's so...I'll go give it to him right now." And he snatches the wedding ring out of my hand and runs upstairs with it.
When he comes back downstairs I pretend that I'm gullible enough to believe him. But damn it, HE'S GOING TO EFFING PROPOSE I CAN'T JUST PRETEND NOT TO KNOW.

We decide to run to the store to buy some soda to go with our delicious movie popcorn and when we get into the truck I just can't hold it in. "So um....that ring wasn't your dad's, was it?"
"What? Oh come on babe! It's not your wedding ring! I told you I wasn't going to propose yet!"
"Uh huh. Suuree..."
"You weren't supposed to find that!"
I'm laughing at this point going, "THAT RING WAS FOR ME! Hahahaha! Oh Fish, you are SUCH a bad liar!"

He was pouting the rest of the night because now I know what my ring looks like.
He has no idea what my mind is going through, how flustered my emotions are.
He has no idea that my relationship with Jacob with never, ever go away as it seems.
I can't seem to live without Jacob.
I think I'm in love with Jacob.
And my boyfriend is about to propose to me. :(


I'm the worst person on this fucking planet.

It's Been Four Years

(I'll write more about what happened with fish soon.)

Sometimes...I wonder.
I wonder what it would be like.
If I decided, 'What the hell' and showed up on your doorstep,
asking for you.

I wonder
If it would be completely foolish to tell you I would always love you.
If maybe it would be too painful to tell you I'm sorry.
If it would be wrong to say I miss you daily.
If it's been too long.

I wonder if you would have completely forgotten me.

The Truth Comes Out

I told Fish.


I didn't think I was going to do it that day. This was a couple weeks ago. I'd been at work. Working away as usual. Hating it. Ty, one of my co-workers had been hitting on me for awhile. I wasn't too surprised, he had the player look about him. But me being who I am, I looked for the good in him just like I do with everyone. I talked to him, I smiled, I looked away shyly. He was a super good sweet talker. Better than I thought he would be. He kept it up for a couple weeks before the day I told Fish about it. He kept giving me hugs, telling me I was adorable, pestering me about when we're finally going to hang out. Which I knew was going to be never. Then he asked me, "Would you ever sleep with me?"

Oh hell no.
Fuck that.

I wanted to punch him in his charming mother fucking face right then and there. He knew I had a boyfriend, I reminded him of it daily. I tried resisting his wooing for awhile but just gave in when it felt good. When he asked this question, however, I sniffed him out for what he truly was. An asshole. A user, an abuser, someone who viewed women as pleasure items. The kind of guy every woman should be wary of. I was angry. I was offended. I quit my job.

I was going to go watch the basketball game with Fish right after work. I was hoping that our team would win, that way he would be too distracted by the game so as not to notice my pissy mood. No such luck.

"Baby, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm alright."
"You're lying to me."
"I'll tell you about it later."

And then we reached home and we went to his small bedroom and sat on the bed. Here goes. I should just out with the honest truth. You can't go wrong with honesty, right?

It took him a good hour to pry anything out of me. I was terrified to tell him. Fish has...a temper of some sorts. Sometimes I'm nervous that I'll accidentally get a fist in the face when it was meant for the wall. Or that I'll watch him hurt himself, bleeding on the floor from a bloody fist that hit the wall. I'm scared he'll move out of the house faster than I can blink, and go smash Ty's face in with a brick. Fish has a violent history. He could do it.

"Ty asked me today at work if I would sleep with him."
I saw anger leap into his eyes, and the anger burned my skin, set the room afire. I was even more scared.
"What did you say?"
"I said hell no."
"Promise?"
"Yes I really did."
"Have you flirted with him before?"
"Yes."
"More than once?"
"Yes."
"Like what would you say?"
"I don't want to talk anymore."
His frustration grew and he had to take a deep breath to try to calm himself.
"Look. I really need your help, if you can keep talking to me, it will help me from calling up every friend I have, staking out your work, and waiting til he leaves to beat the shit out of him and put him in a grave."
Drastic, right? Sure Ty is an asshole, but is he deserving of death or a brick to the head? In my personal opinion, no. He'll get what he deserves eventually.
His angry stare penetrated me.
"Who else is there?"
"Pretty much any guy that will give me the time of day, I flirt with."
"Are you serious, babe?!"
"Yes."
"Who." It wasn't a question. It was a demand for information.

This is where I really got terrified. If I told him about Jacob, who knows what would happen. I hate how Fish would talk about Jacob. Call him a 'piece of shit' and tell me that he's just another player that doesn't want anything but sex from me. He had me believe it too. Fish can be super convincing. Hell. Maybe that's all Jacob really wanted from me. But I highly doubt it.

I wasn't sure if I could work up the guts to tell him about Jacob.

jfedla;nfkdl;sajfklda;sf

They love me because I'm different.
I hate me because I'm different.

I'm A Fucking Idiot

I was on my break, smoking a cigarette in the parking lot. I didn't even hear Ty walk up.
"Hey, why do you look so glum?"
Me: "What? Oh. No, I'm not sad, I was just deep in thought."
Ty: "About what?"
Me: "Just stuff."
Ty: "Oh come on. Talk to me, girly."
Honestly, I didn't want to tell him about how I feel like a bad person and even worse, a bad Christian.
So I said, "Oh, I just hate my job, that's all."
Ty: "That's not all of it, is it?
Me: "No. It's the tip of the iceberg. The very tip."
Ty: "Well, you can always talk to me about anything. I'll lisetn."
Me: "Okay. I'll keep it in mind."

And I watched him walk away to get back to work.
Good Lord.
I can't get a crush on every guy I meet. That's ridiculous.

Carey and I

So there's this guy Carey. He's fucking amazing, really.

We have quite the history.
Back when I was dating this asshole Jordan, (when I was 16, so four years ago) I went to a party at my friend's house. It was my best girl friend Drina, my friend Austin, and me. It's Christmas Eve. Austin turns to Drina and I and goes, "You guys wanna go visit my cousin Carey? He's drinking by himself on Christmas Eve! We can't have that!"

No, sir we cannot.

So we drive on over to Carey's apartment. It's small, but nice. There's like seven cats living there and I thought, "Oh my god, he's a cat person. Shit!" But he's really not. He has a dog named Sam and the dog is super adorable. So the four of us are hanging out, drinking, and playing video games. Austin stopped me on my way out of the bathroom and says, "So...I think Carey kind of likes you."
And just so you know, by this point I'm fucking drunk.
So I blush and go, "No way!" and when I start actually paying attention to the way Carey acts around me, all the hints say 'I like you'. I'm excited. Jordan, the guy I'd been dating, had told me yesterday that he didn't want to see me anymore. So to hell with it! I sat down next to Carey and snuggled right up against his arm while he's playing guitar hero.
He asks me if I want to play a song and I tell him I've never played before.
He hands me the guitar and I press all the wrong buttons, squeal, and hand it back to him, "I CAN'T DO IT I DIED AGAIN!" (Of course you all know there's no dying in guitar hero. But you know.)
Drina has to go home and Carey and I take her because Austin is passed out on the couch. When we get back we stand outside in the December cold, smoking a cigarette. He lets me have one of his Clove cigarettes, it's the first time I've ever had one. It crackles each time I take a drag. He looks down at his feet for a second and then says,
"Damn, I wish I could have met you earlier."
"How come?"
"My sort-of girlfriend comes down in four days to come live with me."
"Oh."

FUCK. All the good ones are taken. As usual.
He says, "Well until those four days are up, you can be my girlfriend if you want."
I eagerly agree. He's tall and adorable. He's Austin's cousin and I trust Austin with my life. I'm pretty sure I can trust this guy.
We go back inside and cuddle on the couch, talking about the micellaneous stuff. Where we're from (turns out we knew each other when we were kids), what we want to do with our lives, silly stuff. He turned my head and kissed me right in the middle of it all. I could feel my heart hit my chest and then I went forward for another kiss.
We fell asleep until morning when he woke me up, told me he would take me home and to text him.

That day, on Christmas, I told Jordan to shove it and to go fuck someone else because I was tired of having him use me.

Few days later Carey and I were texting, visiting each other, seeing each other.

Let's fast forward for now to October 11, 2010.
That's today. In case you didn't know.
I know Carey loves me. We've never really been together.
I know I'm making him sad because I'm not with him.
He's so depressed.
I want to make him happy.
But I can't do that without breaking so many hearts.
I don't even know what my heart wants.

Why try?

Riddle me this.
Why do I even fucking try?

Why did I even shave my legs? Forreal?!
Fish was cleaning his room and I start taking off my clothes. This is going to get his attention for sure. I still have my black boy shorts on, and I start kissing his neck from behind.
He goes, "Baaaabe...what are you doin?"
I say, "Nothin." with a wicked grin on my face.
He gives me a quick kiss and says, "Babe, not right now. I really need to finish putting these clothes away."
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm practically naked, throwing myself at him, and he wants to put away his laundry? Fuck!
But I'm not ready to give up yet. I start picking up clothes off the floor, bending over low. Trust me, I know his kinky weakness. But does he notice? No. He's hanging up his clothes. So I dejectedly put my clothes back on and help him. Finally when we're done cleaning he suggests that I come take a shower with him. I'm tempted to just say that I'm not in the mood anymore. That he ruined it. Then he'll be sorry, right?
But I'm still horny. Incredibly, despite my bitter attitude, I'm still fucking horny!
So we go in the really gross bathroom (it's gross cuz men don't know how to clean) and yet again I get naked. He walks past me to turn on the shower. Fuck that. Not this time. I'm going to get his attention. I grab his hand and put it right up against my cunt.
"Feel how wet I am." and I nip at his bottom lip.
BINGO. He's finally interested. We jump in the shower, start making out, everything is going great. I go to my knees and take him in my mouth because I know I'm better at giving head in the shower. Not exactly sure why, but that's just how it is. He doesn't last very long, which is to be expected because I know my skills are hard to handle. (Hey, I can boast a little bit.)
After he finishes, he goes, "Wow, babe. That was amazing. Woo, I'm so tired now." WTFF?!? Do you know what 'I'm tired' is code for?! No sex. That's what it is. I'm so bummed and hurt that when he fingers me in the shower, I fake an orgasm two minutes later just to get it over with. We get out of the shower, turn out the lights, and go to bed.
He lays there next to me snoring.
And I'm close to tears because I've got to be the ugliest girl on the planet to be turned down like that.

The good ol' Telephone

Jacob and I talked on the phone for hours again last night.
"Will you do me a favor?"
"Anything." (God, is he not amazing or what.)
"Will you say something in Spanish for me?"
I could hear his adorable smile through the phone while he spoke Spanish. God damn it, I love his smile.
"What did you say?"
He goes, "I said, 'I miss you and I wish you were here more than anything. And I love you, sweet heart.'"
Damn it, he's just too good. There's no way he could fake the way he talks to me. Right? I can't explain it. There's just no way Jacob could fake the emotion in his voice. I think he really wants to marry me someday. Why? I don't know. He's fuckin crazy! Marrying me is probably the dumbest thing anyone could do. Seriously.
"I want you so bad, baby."
"Nope. Nuh-uh, Jacob. Not tonight."
"Why not?"
Oh dammit. How do I answer this question? 'Well Jacob, I have trust issues and sometimes I wonder if it's just another trick like all the other times I was fucked over.' No! I'm not gonna say that! It's fucked up. It's not the only reason though. My parents are sleeping downstairs and I'm not a quiet person at all. Even calling him just to talk is difficult. But boy oh boy do I love him.
I guess I should just fall head first in love, trust with all my heart and see what happens.

Listen Listen

This song creates feelings inside myself even I don't understand.

I don't even care if the whole band looks like a bunch of gay guys, I love this song.

Another Fight

Ring. Ring.

Ring. Ring.

Me: "Hello?"

Fish: "Hi babe. What are you doing?"

Me: "Oh I'm just doing some writing on the computer. How's work?"

Fish: "It's alright. Just work. How's facebook?"

Me: "I'm not on facebook."

Fish: "Yes you are."

Me: "Uh...no, I'm really not."

Fish: "Did anyone stupid try to talk to you on facebook?"

Me: "Stop saying stuff like that."

Fish: "Babe, why are you getting all defensive, I was just teasing."

Me: "Okay cool. I'll just talk to you later."

Fish: "What? No, talk to me now."

Me: "No. I don't want to fucking talk. I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER."

click.



What the fuck? Really though? He hates facebook. He thinks that because of facebook I'll cheat on him. It's already happening right under his nose. It's not facebook's fault. It's MY fucking fault. I'm the one being a fucking stupid bitch.

I don't know what to do when Jacob tells me he loves me. Lately I have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "He's just saying that. He doesn't really love you. He probably tells five other girls the same thing."

I just don't know how to feel.
I don't know how to be myself.

This love isn't good unless it's me and you

You are my sweetest downfall.

I loved you first.

Can you believe it? I haven't written in this blog since July. Not a big deal. Nobody reads it anyways. Why would you want to?! I mean forreal.

I'm still up to no good as usual.

I have a job now. It sucks assholes though. I was texting Jacob and Fish while I was at work. I can't believe I'm keeping up this charade.
Fish: "I miss you so much honey! How's work?"
Me: "Work is slow. I miss you more!"

Whereas mine and Jacob's coversation was on the sketchy side. He told me about a dream he had about me and it was....wooow. That's all I have to say about that. Seriously. The dream was that good. And bad. Bad because nobody should dream about me that way when I have a boyfriend. One time I asked Jacob why he still talks to me, why he still loves me when I have a boyfriend. He told me, "It's not about what you have. It's who you are."
I guess it kind of makes sense to me.
But I know that if I was living with him.
Kissing his wonderful face everyday.
I don't want him thinking that since he's the boyfriend, there's another guy.
That's one thing that sucks about cheating. No one trusts you afterwards. For good reason, too.

My ex left me for a fucking slut last year. I was pretty broken up about it. That was then. But I look at them now. They are so fuckin happy! They live in Oregon together now. It's an 'open relationship'. At first I thought, "Duh, it's because she's a whore." But then I realized....it's who she is. She's actually a lot like me. That's what kills me. I'm not slutty, that's not what I'm saying at all. She has friendships with people that she doesn't want to give up. Do you know how many relationships I've given up to be with Fish? It's fucking ridiculous. I miss Jacob. I miss all the other guys, I miss all their smiles, all their smells, all their faces.... Is it just about how they make me feel? No. It's not. I miss THEM. I gave up everything to be with Fish.
I no longer make bracelets.
I no longer sew.
I no longer get to write as often as I want.
I don't see my friends.
I no longer watch movies with just my dog.
My dog doesn't even love me anymore! My dog loves my little sister more than me. I can't believe it.

If I could be with Jacob...what would it change? Would I lose my friends? Would I lose the things I love? I don't do long distance. I've said it a thousand times. Yet...I'm doing long distance and have been for awhile. With Jacob. And nothing has really changed. He knows about Fish, he knows how I feel. That's the best part. HE FUCKING GETS IT. He understands that I'm kind of a messed up person inside and I think sometimes he thinks he's kind of a messed up person too. I don't see him as a messed up person. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He's intelligent. He pretends to be an asshole, I've seen him try. I saw through that whole facade right off the bat, actually. He's a giant softy. *pokes his belly* See? Soft. :)
HAHA.
This entry is kind of all over the place.
Oh wells.


Holy man, I am fucking starving.

He Tastes Like You

↑↑
That's cute but I wish it were true.

Fish and I are fighting almost every day now. He calls me constantly, it feels like to check up on me. Which I guess is just as well considering he wouldn't like half the stuff I do. I talk to guys. He would get jealous, whether I was flirting or not. Things are just going down the shit hole it seems. Fish leaves to go out of town for almost two weeks and I feel guilty for saying that I'm looking forward to him leaving. Sure I'll miss him, but there are plenty of things I won't miss.
I won't miss him asking me what I've been doing every two hours.
I won't miss his negative teasing nature.
I won't miss the fits he throws when he doesn't get his way.
Blah.
I talked to Jacob last night again.
It seems like I can't help it.
I feel like I need him. He's my best friend, I tell him things I normally wouldn't tell other people. He makes me feel better, he makes me laugh. Except Jacob wants to marry me. Well shit, so does Fish! I'm not ready for commitment. I'm obviously not even ready for a boyfriend, but I have one anyways. He called me and I just about threw the phone in frustration.
"Hello?"
"Luckie?"
"Hi, babe."
"Hi honey. I've missed you. What have you been up to?"
"Not a whole lot. Little of this, a little of that," I wasn't being specific because I knew what the next thing he would say be. It would be something along the lines of me on the computer or something like that. And sure enough-
"Oh, you just been playing on the computer then? Talking to your other boyfriends? Haha!" He was being teasing, but I know he worries about it all the time.
"Yup. That's exactly what I've been doing."
"Haha I'm teasing babe. I just wanted to call and say I love you."
"I love you too."

FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck! Seriously! That's what happens every two hours! I not only hate talking on the phone (except for with Jacob. No idea why.), but every two hours? For real? I'm not going to have anything new to say at all when you call me every two hours! Nothing has happened! Jesus!

I hate the phone.

If Karma is real, I'm getting my mother fuckin ass kicked.

Yesterday I held my boyfriend's hand while I told him about all the reasons I loved him. "Your smile, and your blue eyes, your voice when you say 'I love you', how smart you are, how you hold my hand, when you kiss me on the cheek, how nerdy you are. I just love everything about you."
And now I'm wondering if that's true.
Do I love my boyfriend? I think so. But if I really loved him I guess I wouldn't have cheated on him. I definitely don't love everything about him. I hate how quick he is to anger. It sometimes scares me. I don't like how I don't know when he's teasing or not when he makes fun of me. He'll say things like, "Yeah I don't love you at all!" And sometimes I guess I take him a little too seriously and he tells me he's only kidding. I know he is, I know he loves me with everything in his heart. But when he says stuff like that I guess it takes me off guard.
Not that I have an excuse. Because guess what! I talked to Jacob again. Fish would be furious. I know for a fact that Fish would want to kick his ass.
I called Jacob.
"Hell-oh?" he answered.
"Hey! Whatcha doin?!"
"Oh hi baby. I'm just gettin dressed. I've been laying in bed all morning."
I teased him. "Ooooh were you naked?!"
"Haha no, I just wasn't dressed properly."
"Ah man. Well I've missed you."
"I've missed you too baby."
..........
And now I'm crying while I write this.
I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend.
But I'm not a good girlfriend. OBVIOUSLY. I don't think I ever could be.
He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. While we were falling asleep last night he lay next to me and whispered, "I want to spend the rest of my life in love with you."
A pang of guilt split my heart in half.
I'm better off all alone, I think.
I don't think Fish would let me leave though.

Wedding Reception

I'm a pretty easy going girl. I'm easy to get a long with and I get along pretty well with most people. But man oh man,

my older sister makes me wanna choke a young child. She makes me so frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I love my older sister, she's family. She just makes me wanna choke a young child that's all.

She scrunched her nose up when she let out a high pitched laugh and gossiped with her friend in the kitchen. While I was trying to take a nap.

I still have a hard time figuring it out. Do I dislike her because she has perfect teeth? Is it because she's so confidant and sure of herself? Or maybe it's because she's self-righteous and thinks she knows best.

She smiled her perfect smile when she caught the bouquet. I didn't mind. I didn't really want it anyways. My aunt asks me where I'm working. I tell her I'm not and I feel her disapproving stare burn my eyes and my conscience. My sister chattered on about the returned missionary she was dating. It was what everyone wanted to hear. But not me. I didn't want to hear their murmurs of happiness and approval. Listen to how she has accomplished so much more than me and does so much better, therefore she IS better. That's why I don't fucking like her. She's better.

It was my cousin's wedding reception.
Weddings either make me want to get hitched or jump into a lake of fire.
My cousin and his new wife looked so happy. It almost made me puke.
I've had four guys recently tell me they want to marry me.
As you can all see, I am not exactly good wife material. If I'm the worst girlfriend ever, then I'm obviously not going to be a good wife! I should really just stay away from guys.

Bad Girlfriend

I call dibs on the title 'Worst Girlfriend Ever'.
I cheated on my boyfriend last week. Again. (Like I said, this is not a pretty blog.)
The first time I cheated on him I promised him I would never talk to the other guy again. His name was...let's see let's pick a name for him....Jacob? Does that work? Sure it does. Anyways. I promised Fish that I would never talk to him again. I couldn't stay away.
Before you point a finger at me and tell me how horrible I am,
think about all the shitty stuff you've done.
Cast the first stone, bitches.
I called Jacob on the phone. My best friend. We talk about everything every time we talk. Movies, people, relationships, sports, star wars, personal stories....and he always makes me laugh every single time. Pretty soon we were getting into really personal topics. He said something dirty that made my breath get caught in my throat. He heard it. His dirty words traveled to the earpiece in my phone and drummed around in my brain, making my blood pump. He could tell. As his voice got more excited, my breathing became harder. "That's it, baby. That's it. I love you so much." And when my breathing slowed we stayed on the phone and talked more. We talked about what it would be like if we were together instead of being far apart. His voice and his heart told me he was in love with me and I almost cried while I smiled.
I shouldn't be like this.

I have a sense of right and wrong. I really do.
I read the bible often. Trying to read it every day now.
I ask Jesus for forgiveness, although I don't feel that I deserve it.
Fish doesn't know.

And I spent all day with him today, hanging out. He reminded me how much he loves me. How much he wants to marry me someday. And the ache in my heart told me that it would never be. Because I am not a good person.

First Blog

If you want to read a blog that has pretty poems and nice recipes or cute stories, this is not the blog for you.

I got tired of hiding.
This blog is going to be full of ugly confessions.
I am a selfish, greedy, confused nineteen year old girl.
I needed a place to write. A place to be my complete self.

I wanted to name myself after a my favorite candy. But I guess AirHeads wouldn't be very flattering to myself. So then I thought 'Twix'. But that just sounds stupid. So does 'Luckie'. I realized that already. I know I picked a stupid fake name for myself, but I'm sticking with it anyways.

I'm in a relationship. We'll pretend his name is...hmmm....Fish. I like fish. Haha.
I was spending the night at his house last night. I lay there next to him, listening to his heavy breathing. I wasn't sleeping. I was crying. He'd told me to wake him up if I couldn't sleep. No way was I going to wake him up saying, "Fish, I'm sorry but I've been hiding things from you and keeping secrets. That's why I'm crying and that's why I can't sleep at nights."
If I tell him, I'll hurt him.
If I don't tell him, I'll hurt him.
I am selfish.
I am scared.