Carey and I

So there's this guy Carey. He's fucking amazing, really.

We have quite the history.
Back when I was dating this asshole Jordan, (when I was 16, so four years ago) I went to a party at my friend's house. It was my best girl friend Drina, my friend Austin, and me. It's Christmas Eve. Austin turns to Drina and I and goes, "You guys wanna go visit my cousin Carey? He's drinking by himself on Christmas Eve! We can't have that!"

No, sir we cannot.

So we drive on over to Carey's apartment. It's small, but nice. There's like seven cats living there and I thought, "Oh my god, he's a cat person. Shit!" But he's really not. He has a dog named Sam and the dog is super adorable. So the four of us are hanging out, drinking, and playing video games. Austin stopped me on my way out of the bathroom and says, "So...I think Carey kind of likes you."
And just so you know, by this point I'm fucking drunk.
So I blush and go, "No way!" and when I start actually paying attention to the way Carey acts around me, all the hints say 'I like you'. I'm excited. Jordan, the guy I'd been dating, had told me yesterday that he didn't want to see me anymore. So to hell with it! I sat down next to Carey and snuggled right up against his arm while he's playing guitar hero.
He asks me if I want to play a song and I tell him I've never played before.
He hands me the guitar and I press all the wrong buttons, squeal, and hand it back to him, "I CAN'T DO IT I DIED AGAIN!" (Of course you all know there's no dying in guitar hero. But you know.)
Drina has to go home and Carey and I take her because Austin is passed out on the couch. When we get back we stand outside in the December cold, smoking a cigarette. He lets me have one of his Clove cigarettes, it's the first time I've ever had one. It crackles each time I take a drag. He looks down at his feet for a second and then says,
"Damn, I wish I could have met you earlier."
"How come?"
"My sort-of girlfriend comes down in four days to come live with me."
"Oh."

FUCK. All the good ones are taken. As usual.
He says, "Well until those four days are up, you can be my girlfriend if you want."
I eagerly agree. He's tall and adorable. He's Austin's cousin and I trust Austin with my life. I'm pretty sure I can trust this guy.
We go back inside and cuddle on the couch, talking about the micellaneous stuff. Where we're from (turns out we knew each other when we were kids), what we want to do with our lives, silly stuff. He turned my head and kissed me right in the middle of it all. I could feel my heart hit my chest and then I went forward for another kiss.
We fell asleep until morning when he woke me up, told me he would take me home and to text him.

That day, on Christmas, I told Jordan to shove it and to go fuck someone else because I was tired of having him use me.

Few days later Carey and I were texting, visiting each other, seeing each other.

Let's fast forward for now to October 11, 2010.
That's today. In case you didn't know.
I know Carey loves me. We've never really been together.
I know I'm making him sad because I'm not with him.
He's so depressed.
I want to make him happy.
But I can't do that without breaking so many hearts.
I don't even know what my heart wants.