Telling the Truth

I told him about Jacob.

And he told me, that I would have to change my phone number. That I would never be able to talk to Jacob ever again. Or Carey. Or any of those guys. I was okay with the decision. I love my boyfriend. (Why do I feel like I have to repeat those words to make them true?) And I want things to work out with him. Naturally. I took the battery out of my cell phone and handed it over. I didn't talk to any of those guys.

But it only lasted a week.

Fish and I had been doing fantastic for awhile. I was trying so hard to be a good girlfriend. Trying so hard to make him feel proud of me. Trying so hard to keep my eye from wandering to the other available men. I wanted to make him happy.

I got an email from Jacob that ruined my good streak.
"I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get you out of my head. I can't help but see your face in my dreams. I woke up crying last night, not because of the dream, but because I miss you. I can't forget you. I can't bring myself to try to move on. I can't because I won't. I refuse to stop loving you. Please, come back to me. I still, and will always need you. It can only be you. "

That email just about broke my already shattered-but-taped-back-together heart. I replied telling him I couldn't talk to him, that I promised myself I would stop lying.

He kept repeating himself. 'I don't want to lose you.'

I couldn't stand it.
And the moment I had a chance, I called him.
I had his phone number memorized.
Hearing his voice was the best thing I'd heard in so long.

So now I'm back at it again.
The lying.

FUCK ME, i hate this. I hate it hate it hate it. :(

And let's make matters worse, shall we?
I went Christmas shopping with Fish. It was a stressful day, we'd been fighting on and off. It was both our fault. I had been wearing heels that put me in pain and he hates the way I dress so of course when I bought a coat he didn't like...well it was just a stressful day.
We hugged it out, kissed it out, and I was in a better mood. We were going to watch a movie together. I was super excited cuz I'd just gone on a movie buying binge and I bought five new movies. Couldn't wait to watch The Invention of Lying cuz that movie is fucking HILARIOUS. Go watch it if you haven't.
Fish says, "Babe will you grab my phone? I left it in my pants pocket when I changed."
I reached into the wrong pocket.
And pulled out a wedding ring.
"Uuuuh...honey? What's this?" and I hand him the ring.
He fumbles for words and I know he's lying when he says, "Oh. Um. My mom found it when she was cleaning and it's my dad's so...I'll go give it to him right now." And he snatches the wedding ring out of my hand and runs upstairs with it.
When he comes back downstairs I pretend that I'm gullible enough to believe him. But damn it, HE'S GOING TO EFFING PROPOSE I CAN'T JUST PRETEND NOT TO KNOW.

We decide to run to the store to buy some soda to go with our delicious movie popcorn and when we get into the truck I just can't hold it in. "So um....that ring wasn't your dad's, was it?"
"What? Oh come on babe! It's not your wedding ring! I told you I wasn't going to propose yet!"
"Uh huh. Suuree..."
"You weren't supposed to find that!"
I'm laughing at this point going, "THAT RING WAS FOR ME! Hahahaha! Oh Fish, you are SUCH a bad liar!"

He was pouting the rest of the night because now I know what my ring looks like.
He has no idea what my mind is going through, how flustered my emotions are.
He has no idea that my relationship with Jacob with never, ever go away as it seems.
I can't seem to live without Jacob.
I think I'm in love with Jacob.
And my boyfriend is about to propose to me. :(


I'm the worst person on this fucking planet.