I wrote this on April 5th in my Becki Bible:
I won't forget
Your puckered lips on my neck
Or the feel of your body against mine
I won't forget
The whispered breaths in my ear
Or your lingered smell on my jacket
I won't forget
Your violent fist in your anger
Or your red hot words striking my cheek
I won't forget
The vicious words against me
Or the lies I greedily lapped up
I won't forget-
Fuck it.
Forget you, shit head.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
April 26, 2011
If I married Jon today, right this second, I would have no regrets. I would have no doubts. This is really what I want.
I've never been this deeply involved with someone. Ever. That's saying a lot, considering I've been in love twice before. There was the first love with Josh. I know I will never forget that. And then there was Eldon. I really loved Eldon. When he told me he was in love with someone else, it completely tore me apart. Left deeper wounds than I thought were there.
It still hurts today.
He shattered my heart, changed my outlook on love, changed my life.
It wasn't too long after that that I met Jon. I was a complete mess, if I remember correctly. It's hard to remember that part of my life. I was drunk almost every day for a few months straight. Partying, numbing myself. I actually wasn't aware that I was miserable. I was so busy numbing out and distracting myself that I didn't realize I needed help.
There was something about Jon that I was drawn to. I saw something underneath his sense of humor and I wanted to find out what it was.
Two years (or something like that) later, here we are-
He is my everything. I'm in love with him. More deeply than I ever thought possible. Somehow, somewhere in those two years, he managed to sneak into my heart. Now I hear his whispers against my hears, about how beautiful I am, how I'm an angel.
Because I care for him as much as I do, I'm terrified.
Sure, I'm scared of getting a broken heart. But I've had a broken heart before, I know I would survive.
What I'm honestly terrified of...is just losing him. He is the only soul on this planet that really truly knows me. He is the only person who knows every single one of my secrets, and accepts me for it.
He's my best friend.
I never want to lose that
I called my voice mail and finally checked all of my fucking messages. One of them was just adorable though.
"Hey Becki. It's your boyfriend. I was just calling to tell you I love you...and I hope you're having fun on your trip. I wish you were here. It's where you belong. So I can make you happy. I love you. Good night."
Ialmost cried. I did cry.
He's so effing perfect it makes me insane.
I've never been this deeply involved with someone. Ever. That's saying a lot, considering I've been in love twice before. There was the first love with Josh. I know I will never forget that. And then there was Eldon. I really loved Eldon. When he told me he was in love with someone else, it completely tore me apart. Left deeper wounds than I thought were there.
It still hurts today.
He shattered my heart, changed my outlook on love, changed my life.
It wasn't too long after that that I met Jon. I was a complete mess, if I remember correctly. It's hard to remember that part of my life. I was drunk almost every day for a few months straight. Partying, numbing myself. I actually wasn't aware that I was miserable. I was so busy numbing out and distracting myself that I didn't realize I needed help.
There was something about Jon that I was drawn to. I saw something underneath his sense of humor and I wanted to find out what it was.
Two years (or something like that) later, here we are-
He is my everything. I'm in love with him. More deeply than I ever thought possible. Somehow, somewhere in those two years, he managed to sneak into my heart. Now I hear his whispers against my hears, about how beautiful I am, how I'm an angel.
Because I care for him as much as I do, I'm terrified.
Sure, I'm scared of getting a broken heart. But I've had a broken heart before, I know I would survive.
What I'm honestly terrified of...is just losing him. He is the only soul on this planet that really truly knows me. He is the only person who knows every single one of my secrets, and accepts me for it.
He's my best friend.
I never want to lose that
I called my voice mail and finally checked all of my fucking messages. One of them was just adorable though.
"Hey Becki. It's your boyfriend. I was just calling to tell you I love you...and I hope you're having fun on your trip. I wish you were here. It's where you belong. So I can make you happy. I love you. Good night."
I
He's so effing perfect it makes me insane.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Gotta Get Down On Friday
As far as parties go, it wasn't too crazy last night.
I got ready for the party, trying to do something different with my makeup but failing miserably. Robert called me and said, "We're on our way to come get you! Oh, bring your ipod for car music...mine's dead." I say alright and hang up the phone. Then I realize.
fuck. I look like shit:
See?! But hey. I'm wearing my favorite ratty old hoodie and glow-in-the-dark Harry Potter shirt so it's whatever. :)
Robert pulls up to my house with Jessica and I go walkin out like I'm hot shit, even though I look like STUPID shit haha. I get in the car, and we go pick up Ryan...but then we have to go pick up Mindy.
We're listening to my ipod in the car, and I decide that I want to pick one song. I don't wanna play DJ or anything, there's just a song I'd really like to jam to. The Black Dahlia Murder, of course. So I put it on but then Jessica whirls around in her seat during the intro and says, "Will there be screaming? I don't like screaming. If there's screaming I'm turning it off."
I said, "You're definitely going to hear some things you don't like."
When she hears the lyrics she turns around and I'm not even kidding you, gives me the death glare like none other. The look on her face said, 'Are you fucking kidding me? You are a stupid bitch. I can't believe you like this.'
For some reason, I almost punched her. Okay, you make me listen to DubStep and all that techno bull shit that you call "music" but I want to listen to ONE song on MY ipod that I brought as a FAVOR and you turn it off instantly? God damn it bitch, I will shove my ipod down your whorish throat.
But I don't say anything, just take my ipod back and we listen to that stupid techno shit. I'd go into the part of the story where Jessica falls off of a moving vehicle like the dumbass she is and Robert almost gets in a fight with a 40 year old drunk guy....but I'm so dumbfounded by Jessica's pure stupidity that I couldn't bring myself to write about that. So we'll fast forward to the party.
We show up. :)
Eftichi and Preston are there (yay!), along with a few other people. It's a relatively small party. I give Preston a hug and as usual he's staring at my tits again. I don't care, it's not like he could ever see them and Preston's a funny guy, we get along pretty well. :) Eftichi is wearing a full on suit. Like...dressed up. I'm surprised and said, "Damn, Eftichi why are you so dressed up? You're lookin great! But I feel under-dressed standing next to you!" He just flashes his sexy greek smile and says, "I just felt like it. You never need a reason to dress up."
"Oh my God, Eftichi, I love you. Seriously, that is the best thing I've heard all day. Next weekend, I'm showing up in a prom dress."
And he just smiles again, hugs me, and kisses my temple. Wtf, did Eftichi just kiss my head? I think he did.... Ah, fuck it. I'm gettin a beer.
Preston leaves after only staying for about 25 minutes and before he leaves he just full on grabs my ass...um, alright? I guess? So I grab his. We are officially ass-grabbing friends apparently.
Robert decided he's gonna do fucking ecstasy. Another reason why I don't like Jessica. She has gotten Robert into ecstasy. And Robert used to be like...my drug-free pal! Ugh! That stupid bitch is ruining my best friend! But you know what? It's okay. I'll just drink more.
The more I play beer pong and the more I consume alcohol, the more I smile. I get in a better mood, and I'm feeling a little more relaxed. I'm not drunk, just feeling fantastic. I sit in the living room after smoking a cigarette and watch White Chicks with Ryan, sipping on my Miller Highlife. Ryan had just got dumped earlier so I'm trying to include him in conversations and activities, trying to make him feel at least a little better....without him thinking I'm going to be like, a rebound bang or something like that. NOT HAPPENING. lol
Eftichi sits next to me on the couch and wraps his arm around me, and I snuggle close. [[See this is what I was talking about! The affection thingy!]] We socialize with everyone, talking laughing, having a general good time.
Jessica's stupid ass needs to go to the store for something and asks me if I want to go with. Well, I did finish my beer. And I'm slightly tipsy which means I can almost enjoy her company. So why not? I search around for my jacket but can't find it. I only see Eftichi's suit jacket. So I put it on and say, "Eftichi, we're running to the store, and I'm wearing your suit jacket because I can't find mine. Plus, this will make sure you're here when I get back." And I wink at him and run out the door with Jessica. What the hell, did I just wink at him?! No. No no no no no. Now he's gonna think he's gonna get the goodies and he's not. Maybe. I hope not anyways. I don't know!
When I get back, Eftichi and I go outside for a smoke. It's a little chilly outside, so I let him wrap his arms around me while we take drags off the cigarette and exhale the warm smoke into the air. I'm giggling like an idiot at the cute things he's doing like blowing in my ear because he knows it tickles, or making silly cute faces at me. And all of a sudden his nose brushes against the side of mine and we kiss.
Holy. Fucking Hell.
I haven't kissed someone this good at kissing...in over a year. Dead serious. Don't get me wrong, my body didn't catch fire, but it was pure sexiness.
The mixed smells of his cologne and cigarette smoke on his jacket made my head swim and made me excited. I clung to his jacket while his tongue searched the tip of mine and then I pulled away. "Okay, okay, this is...yeah," I couldn't quite talk, I was trying to breathe. And trying not to rape him. "Yeah?" he said, then tugged me in one more time for another kiss. This time my hand found my favorite spot to rest when I'm kissing someone. It was right between his jawbone and neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss momentarily before Eftichi broke off the kiss and suggested we go inside.
Thank God! I can't be kissing guys like this! Especially Eftichi! I mean, no offense to Eftichi, I love him to death. But he is a sex addict, and I don't have sex. See where that might be a problem?
So we go back inside, Robert is trippin balls and talking about how the trees were talking to him. (I'm glaring at Jessica the whole time.) But for the most part, it's still a pretty okay time. When it comes time to bounce and go home, I ride with Eftichi home. Just me and him. In his car.
Uh-oh.
BUT DON'T WORRY! THIS STORY ENDS WELL! SORT OF.
He drives me home, it's casual talk, but I can feel the sort of shy tension still. We pull up to my house, we make out for five minutes and then I get out of the car and go inside.
When I walked into the house, I threw my bag on the couch, snatched up the house phone and called Jon immediately.
I was thinking, 'God damn it, Jon is gonna hate me now. I can't lose him. I love him. Why am I so stupid? Why do I always have the need for affection? God I'm such a fucking IDIOT!'
When he answered, I couldn't believe how high my heart jumped. I choked on my heart, and almost threw up. That's how much I love this guy.
Him: "Hey, baby. What are you doin?"
Me: "...nothin.. :D" ←Yes, I put a smiley face in my own quote because there is no way he couldn't hear my smiley on the other end of the line.
He probably hears me smiling like a fool right now, for Christ's sakes. I can't write about him without grinning from ear to ear.
He was really tired, I don't blame him I got home kinda late, so our conversation was shorter than usual. He wasn't mad at me for what happened. He knows I want to be with him forever. I keep expecting him to get mad at me for something, but he never does.
Hearing his steady breathing right before he fell asleep made me so incredibly happy it's almost embarrassing. I can't wait to hear it every single night when I'm right next to him.
The other night when I called him, he said something I will probably never forget.
Mostly because I wrote it down; I wanted to remember it forever.
Me: What are you thinkin about?
Him: You.
Me: Well what about me?
Him: I was just thinking about, how amazing it would be. To make love to you right now. Hold you close while I push into you, whispering to you how much you mean to me, how much I love you.
When he said that, my whole body and heart ached for him. And I just smiled and looked at my stupid feet, hoping that I'll be everything that he ever expected, needed, and wanted.
I got ready for the party, trying to do something different with my makeup but failing miserably. Robert called me and said, "We're on our way to come get you! Oh, bring your ipod for car music...mine's dead." I say alright and hang up the phone. Then I realize.
fuck. I look like shit:
See?! But hey. I'm wearing my favorite ratty old hoodie and glow-in-the-dark Harry Potter shirt so it's whatever. :)
Robert pulls up to my house with Jessica and I go walkin out like I'm hot shit, even though I look like STUPID shit haha. I get in the car, and we go pick up Ryan...but then we have to go pick up Mindy.
We're listening to my ipod in the car, and I decide that I want to pick one song. I don't wanna play DJ or anything, there's just a song I'd really like to jam to. The Black Dahlia Murder, of course. So I put it on but then Jessica whirls around in her seat during the intro and says, "Will there be screaming? I don't like screaming. If there's screaming I'm turning it off."
I said, "You're definitely going to hear some things you don't like."
When she hears the lyrics she turns around and I'm not even kidding you, gives me the death glare like none other. The look on her face said, 'Are you fucking kidding me? You are a stupid bitch. I can't believe you like this.'
For some reason, I almost punched her. Okay, you make me listen to DubStep and all that techno bull shit that you call "music" but I want to listen to ONE song on MY ipod that I brought as a FAVOR and you turn it off instantly? God damn it bitch, I will shove my ipod down your whorish throat.
But I don't say anything, just take my ipod back and we listen to that stupid techno shit. I'd go into the part of the story where Jessica falls off of a moving vehicle like the dumbass she is and Robert almost gets in a fight with a 40 year old drunk guy....but I'm so dumbfounded by Jessica's pure stupidity that I couldn't bring myself to write about that. So we'll fast forward to the party.
We show up. :)
Eftichi and Preston are there (yay!), along with a few other people. It's a relatively small party. I give Preston a hug and as usual he's staring at my tits again. I don't care, it's not like he could ever see them and Preston's a funny guy, we get along pretty well. :) Eftichi is wearing a full on suit. Like...dressed up. I'm surprised and said, "Damn, Eftichi why are you so dressed up? You're lookin great! But I feel under-dressed standing next to you!" He just flashes his sexy greek smile and says, "I just felt like it. You never need a reason to dress up."
"Oh my God, Eftichi, I love you. Seriously, that is the best thing I've heard all day. Next weekend, I'm showing up in a prom dress."
And he just smiles again, hugs me, and kisses my temple. Wtf, did Eftichi just kiss my head? I think he did.... Ah, fuck it. I'm gettin a beer.
Preston leaves after only staying for about 25 minutes and before he leaves he just full on grabs my ass...um, alright? I guess? So I grab his. We are officially ass-grabbing friends apparently.
Robert decided he's gonna do fucking ecstasy. Another reason why I don't like Jessica. She has gotten Robert into ecstasy. And Robert used to be like...my drug-free pal! Ugh! That stupid bitch is ruining my best friend! But you know what? It's okay. I'll just drink more.
The more I play beer pong and the more I consume alcohol, the more I smile. I get in a better mood, and I'm feeling a little more relaxed. I'm not drunk, just feeling fantastic. I sit in the living room after smoking a cigarette and watch White Chicks with Ryan, sipping on my Miller Highlife. Ryan had just got dumped earlier so I'm trying to include him in conversations and activities, trying to make him feel at least a little better....without him thinking I'm going to be like, a rebound bang or something like that. NOT HAPPENING. lol
Eftichi sits next to me on the couch and wraps his arm around me, and I snuggle close. [[See this is what I was talking about! The affection thingy!]] We socialize with everyone, talking laughing, having a general good time.
Jessica's stupid ass needs to go to the store for something and asks me if I want to go with. Well, I did finish my beer. And I'm slightly tipsy which means I can almost enjoy her company. So why not? I search around for my jacket but can't find it. I only see Eftichi's suit jacket. So I put it on and say, "Eftichi, we're running to the store, and I'm wearing your suit jacket because I can't find mine. Plus, this will make sure you're here when I get back." And I wink at him and run out the door with Jessica. What the hell, did I just wink at him?! No. No no no no no. Now he's gonna think he's gonna get the goodies and he's not. Maybe. I hope not anyways. I don't know!
When I get back, Eftichi and I go outside for a smoke. It's a little chilly outside, so I let him wrap his arms around me while we take drags off the cigarette and exhale the warm smoke into the air. I'm giggling like an idiot at the cute things he's doing like blowing in my ear because he knows it tickles, or making silly cute faces at me. And all of a sudden his nose brushes against the side of mine and we kiss.
Holy. Fucking Hell.
I haven't kissed someone this good at kissing...in over a year. Dead serious. Don't get me wrong, my body didn't catch fire, but it was pure sexiness.
The mixed smells of his cologne and cigarette smoke on his jacket made my head swim and made me excited. I clung to his jacket while his tongue searched the tip of mine and then I pulled away. "Okay, okay, this is...yeah," I couldn't quite talk, I was trying to breathe. And trying not to rape him. "Yeah?" he said, then tugged me in one more time for another kiss. This time my hand found my favorite spot to rest when I'm kissing someone. It was right between his jawbone and neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss momentarily before Eftichi broke off the kiss and suggested we go inside.
Thank God! I can't be kissing guys like this! Especially Eftichi! I mean, no offense to Eftichi, I love him to death. But he is a sex addict, and I don't have sex. See where that might be a problem?
So we go back inside, Robert is trippin balls and talking about how the trees were talking to him. (I'm glaring at Jessica the whole time.) But for the most part, it's still a pretty okay time. When it comes time to bounce and go home, I ride with Eftichi home. Just me and him. In his car.
Uh-oh.
BUT DON'T WORRY! THIS STORY ENDS WELL! SORT OF.
He drives me home, it's casual talk, but I can feel the sort of shy tension still. We pull up to my house, we make out for five minutes and then I get out of the car and go inside.
When I walked into the house, I threw my bag on the couch, snatched up the house phone and called Jon immediately.
I was thinking, 'God damn it, Jon is gonna hate me now. I can't lose him. I love him. Why am I so stupid? Why do I always have the need for affection? God I'm such a fucking IDIOT!'
When he answered, I couldn't believe how high my heart jumped. I choked on my heart, and almost threw up. That's how much I love this guy.
Him: "Hey, baby. What are you doin?"
Me: "...nothin.. :D" ←Yes, I put a smiley face in my own quote because there is no way he couldn't hear my smiley on the other end of the line.
He probably hears me smiling like a fool right now, for Christ's sakes. I can't write about him without grinning from ear to ear.
He was really tired, I don't blame him I got home kinda late, so our conversation was shorter than usual. He wasn't mad at me for what happened. He knows I want to be with him forever. I keep expecting him to get mad at me for something, but he never does.
Hearing his steady breathing right before he fell asleep made me so incredibly happy it's almost embarrassing. I can't wait to hear it every single night when I'm right next to him.
The other night when I called him, he said something I will probably never forget.
Mostly because I wrote it down; I wanted to remember it forever.
Me: What are you thinkin about?
Him: You.
Me: Well what about me?
Him: I was just thinking about, how amazing it would be. To make love to you right now. Hold you close while I push into you, whispering to you how much you mean to me, how much I love you.
When he said that, my whole body and heart ached for him. And I just smiled and looked at my stupid feet, hoping that I'll be everything that he ever expected, needed, and wanted.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Affection
I'm scared that I'm going to explode.
I don't know how those people do it. Those people, that are single for years on end, BY CHOICE. Like, they're totally fine without a significant other. That may sound desperate from me, but I don't think it is. It's not like I go out looking for a boyfriend. I go out looking for affection, most of the time I just wanna hold your god damned hand.
Then I landed this amazing and absolutely killer gorgeous boyfriend.
Now I don't know what to do with myself. I still long for affection, to hold hands, to have tickle fights (where I will lose), to share inside jokes with that person, to have him caress my jawline ever so gently...am I getting carried away?
Anyways, you get the idea.
It really hasn't been that long...AT ALL, since I had physical affection. I mean, just yesterday Robert and I had a part cuddle/part tickle session on the love sack. (And I wonder why people think we have a thing....DUR) and before that, I was dating that complete douche bag asshole shit bag. But there was affection in that relationship for sure. Lots of cuddling.
Is it possible to be addicted to cuddling? I feel like I am. I feel like if I don't have someone holding me every now and then, that I will just cease my grip on reality. I know. I'm strange.
I don't know how those people do it. Those people, that are single for years on end, BY CHOICE. Like, they're totally fine without a significant other. That may sound desperate from me, but I don't think it is. It's not like I go out looking for a boyfriend. I go out looking for affection, most of the time I just wanna hold your god damned hand.
Then I landed this amazing and absolutely killer gorgeous boyfriend.
Now I don't know what to do with myself. I still long for affection, to hold hands, to have tickle fights (where I will lose), to share inside jokes with that person, to have him caress my jawline ever so gently...am I getting carried away?
Anyways, you get the idea.
It really hasn't been that long...AT ALL, since I had physical affection. I mean, just yesterday Robert and I had a part cuddle/part tickle session on the love sack. (And I wonder why people think we have a thing....DUR) and before that, I was dating that complete douche bag asshole shit bag. But there was affection in that relationship for sure. Lots of cuddling.
Is it possible to be addicted to cuddling? I feel like I am. I feel like if I don't have someone holding me every now and then, that I will just cease my grip on reality. I know. I'm strange.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Oh, Fuck. :(
Ben says:
Hey.
Becki Rausch says:
Hey
Ben says:
I'm really freaking out right now...the last time you said something lik "I just pretend to be someone I'm not on a daily basis", I almost lost you.
Becki Rausch says:
Yup
Ben says:
Is that what's happening now?
Becki Rausch says:
I don't know.
Ben says:
Please don't do this. I can't lose you.
Becki Rausch says:
I can't pretend to be someone else. It's not fair to you.
Ben says:
Have you been pretending with me?
Becki Rausch says:
Some of the time, I suppose I am.
Ben says:
When?
Becki Rausch says:
I don't know, it's not like I can name dates and times.
Ben says:
Do you love me?
Becki Rausch says:
Yes. But not as much as you love me.
Ben says:
Why do you say that?
Becki Rausch says:
Because. I can just tell. Your attachment is so much deeper on your end than it is on mine.
Ben says:
Why?
Becki Rausch says:
I don't know.
Ben says:
How come now you're telling me that you don't love me like you did, say, 5 hours ago?
Becki Rausch says:
I can't talk about this anymore.
Ben says:
But I have to.
I swear I'll drive out there this instant.
Becki Rausch says:
What good will that do? So then I can just break your heart to your face?
I told you I wasn't a good person.
You didn't believe me.
Ben says:
Are you leaving me?
Becki Rausch says:
I don't fucking know right now.
Ben says:
I can't believe this. Why, Rebecca?
Becki Rausch says:
I wish it were easy to explain what goes through my head. I wish it were easy for me to explain the horrible thoughts I have daily, the lies I tell myself, the lies I tell others. And I was trying so hard to be honest. But I can't even be honest with myself.
Ben says:
Did I wait too long to come see you again?
Becki Rausch says:
No. No no no, it wasn't that. You've been nothing but perfect.
I've been nothing but horrendous.
Ben says:
Have you lied to me?
Becki Rausch says:
Yes, but nothing that was like...super big or anything like that.
Ben says:
What was it?
Becki Rausch says:
Let me rephrase. I didn't lie. I just never...told the complete truth about myself.
Ben says:
Then tell me now, rebecca. Tell me now so I can love you for it.
Becki Rausch says:
You could never love me for it.
Ben says:
How do you know? And at this point, what have you got to lose?
Becki Rausch says:
It's been haunting me for a long time, I thought it was a phase, but it's not. I thought the feeling would pass, but it hasn't. I couldn't get baptized because of it. I feel so...out of place. I don't have a place.
Ben says:
What if I came and got you. Right fucking now.
Becki Rausch says:
Wouldn't help.
Ben says:
Why?
Becki Rausch says:
You, and your complete perfection is just a constant reminder of how I don't deserve you. Of how you deserve to be with someone who can give you so much more than I can. You think you know me, and sure, you know some things about me. A lot of things. But if you knew the person I really am, the person that hides inside myself...well I'm not saying you wouldn't love me.
But it would change things.
Ben says:
What would change?
Becki Rausch says:
The way you look at me.
Ben says:
How could that possibly change?
Becki Rausch says:
Why is this so fucking hard?
Ben says:
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO.
I just moved $250 into my checking account. I'm 16 minutes away from putting zoey in the car and driving until I'm at your door.
Becki Rausch says:
Please don't do that.
Ben says:
Please don't leave me.
Becki Rausch says:
Just seeing you would break my heart even more than it's already broken.
Ben says:
Why
Why god dammit
Becki Rausch says:
Because. I'm so good at breaking my own damn heart. I don't need any help.
Ben says:
my phone is fully fucking charged, i have 3/4 tank of gas, my tires are full, and i can be there by 6 fucking am
i am not letting this go
i will fight tooth and nail for you
you have no idea
i will scratch my heart out until my fingers are bone and my chest is hollow, i am not letting you go
Becki Rausch says:
Stop it.
Ben says:
i'm two weeks ahead on my homework, i don't even need to be anywhere tomorrow.
and i swear to almighty god, who loves you more than i ever could, that if it comes to it, i will get in my car, drive to your doorstep, and bring you home tomorrow.
you'll meet my mom, who will be incredulous, but i don't even give a fuck anymore
i will fight for you until i die.
and if this kills me...fine.
Becki Rausch says:
Ben, it is pointless for you to drive here until morning just to have me tell you to turn around. That I can't see you. That it hurts too much to see you.
Ben says:
you think i'll let you turn me away? you think after everything i've told you (all of it was true), after everything i've given you (it's yours anyway) and everything i've done for you (it was my honor), that i'll let you turn me away? that's not how this works. in ten minutes i'll be in my car.
fuck, it may even be a faster drive this time, i know the road.
Becki Rausch says:
STOP IT. You are not coming out to see me right now.
Wouldn't it be smarter to wait a few days anyways?
Ben says:
and i will beat down your door until i've woken up the neighborhood and they can all come watch as i drop down and propose to you right then
Becki Rausch says:
Then maybe I'm not hyperventilating and we both have time to think things clearly?
Ben says:
i'm not going to lose you.
that's not going to happen.
i refuse to let this go
i CAN'T let this go
Becki Rausch says:
And I CANNOT see you. Not tonight.
Ben says:
tonight makes perfect sense. i don't have to be anywhere until tuesday.
Becki Rausch says:
You don't understand.
The harder you push, I'm gonna push back.
Ben says:
Why?
god dammit why
Becki Rausch says:
I don't know, I've been like that ever since I can remember.
Ben says:
Do you love me?
Becki Rausch says:
Yes.
But I don't know if I'm IN love with you.
It takes a lot to get me to that point.
Ben says:
...
Becki Rausch says:
A LOT.
Ben says:
What the hell haven't I done?
Becki Rausch says:
It's not about what you have or haven't done.
It's about my stupid ass.
Ben says:
god dammit why can't i send you pictures
fuck
fuck
i'm crying
fuck
Becki Rausch says:
Stop it, stop it. Just breathe.
Ben says:
no god dammit
breathing's too good for me
i can't breathe without you
Frustration
My sexual frustration is getting a little out of hand. I have (and this is 100% true) masturbated for 2 hours straight today. That's a lot of fucking masturbating. AND STILL, I am not satisfied. This can only mean one thing. What's-Her-Face is in need of penis. Poor girl. She knows she can't have it. No way, no how. Doesn't matter, though. She puts me through plenty of torture, and shoves my mind in the gutter.
I'll only be in conversation with a guy for two fucking minutes and I'm already wondering what it would feel like if his hands were on my legs. Then I have to mentally kick myself.
BECKI. You have a boyfriend. An amazing, wonderful boyfriend. And you're thinking these things about some dude you just met?!
So then I feel guilty for five minutes.
When the five minutes are up, I go masturbate, thinking about my boyfriend pinning me down, pulling my hair, biting my lip....
And after masturbating for hours on end, I feel a little better.
Until next time, anyways.
I'll only be in conversation with a guy for two fucking minutes and I'm already wondering what it would feel like if his hands were on my legs. Then I have to mentally kick myself.
BECKI. You have a boyfriend. An amazing, wonderful boyfriend. And you're thinking these things about some dude you just met?!
So then I feel guilty for five minutes.
When the five minutes are up, I go masturbate, thinking about my boyfriend pinning me down, pulling my hair, biting my lip....
And after masturbating for hours on end, I feel a little better.
Until next time, anyways.
Caution: Depression Ahead
Why am I so scared all the time?
I hope this depression passes.
It always comes in a cycle. I'll be depressed for a week or so. But then I'll be completely fine. How do I tell my brain that it's just a phase? I cry in the shower because I know no one can hear me in there.
I'm so in love with him that it is almost ridiculous.
I imagine him holding me, or even just holding my hand.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I want him. I need him. He's everything I ever dreamed of and more.
The distance is like this constant pain in my stupid fucking heart.
I hate this.
I feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like I'm just going to go insane and break his heart, along with mine. I can't allow that to happen.
Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met?
I hope this depression passes.
It always comes in a cycle. I'll be depressed for a week or so. But then I'll be completely fine. How do I tell my brain that it's just a phase? I cry in the shower because I know no one can hear me in there.
I'm so in love with him that it is almost ridiculous.
I imagine him holding me, or even just holding my hand.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I want him. I need him. He's everything I ever dreamed of and more.
The distance is like this constant pain in my stupid fucking heart.
I hate this.
I feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like I'm just going to go insane and break his heart, along with mine. I can't allow that to happen.
Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met?
Friday, April 15, 2011
North Dakota (sort of)
Useless day.
I promised myself I would do some job searching. I ended up just fucking around on the computer all day. I know that I do it on purpose, procrastinating. Why would I want a fucking job? So I could be miserable all day just to have money? I don't even know what to do with money once I get it.
I think I overdosed on junk food. I'm eating chex mix right now and it makes me wanna fucking puke. I love chex mix. But I've been eating junk food for a week straight. I need a god damn steak or something. I would eat the fuck out of that steak.
North Dakota was...interesting. The whole trip was interesting. I'd write about the whole thing, but that would take years. So I'll just do the main highlights.
We woke up at 4 in the morning, got dressed, got pretty, and off we were! I was in charge of holding the map and giving directions. I guess I'm the mother fuckin map queen because I am AWESOME at giving directions. We drove all day, giggled, laughed, got bored, giggled and laughed some more. The whole trip there was enjoyable.
We interrupt this broadcast with a Becki freak out moment:
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I should have told Ben to leave me alone when I had the chance because now he's trying to be all spontaneous and all, "Oh hey, pack up your stuff so you can come stay with me for a couple weeks in Nevada!" No. No no no no no. Stop it. Go away. How do I tell him I'm not interested without feeling responsible when he commits suicide? That sounds so horrible. But he seriously tells me all the time that I'm his 'whole life' and how he has no idea what he would do without me, I'm the center of his universe, blah blah blah..... I can't believe I'm in this mess again. I feel like the worst fucking person on this planet. Jacob deserves so much more than me. I'm not a good person. I tell him over and over and over and yet he refuses to listen. He'll tell me that I'm perfect, that I'm everything he ever wanted. But I don't even have the guts to tell Ben that I don't have the same feelings for him? God damn. I'm so fucked up.
[[Wanna know something really stupid? I love it when he spells my name with an 'e' at the end. Like 'Beckie'. Because he's the only one that spells it that way and he says, "I just like to spell it like that."]]
Great. Now my whole North Dakota story is ruined. I can't write about it because all I can think of is Jacob and how much I wish I deserved him. Ugh. Fuck this. I'm so tired of being depressed.
Today my older sister just kept talking about how awesome LDS people are and how they're all going to heaven. Seriously? That's your topic of conversation when i'm trying to eat my fucking burger? Thanks.
My parents got on my case, yet again, for not having a life. They're concerned that my life isn't going anywhere. My mom is freaking out because she thinks I'll never get married. My dad is scared that I'm a whore. (I'm starting to believe him after thinking about all the bull shit stuff I did with guys)
I'm sick of being who I am.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I hate being in this stupid fucking house with my stupid fucking nonsupporting family.
This pain never goes away.
I promised myself I would do some job searching. I ended up just fucking around on the computer all day. I know that I do it on purpose, procrastinating. Why would I want a fucking job? So I could be miserable all day just to have money? I don't even know what to do with money once I get it.
I think I overdosed on junk food. I'm eating chex mix right now and it makes me wanna fucking puke. I love chex mix. But I've been eating junk food for a week straight. I need a god damn steak or something. I would eat the fuck out of that steak.
North Dakota was...interesting. The whole trip was interesting. I'd write about the whole thing, but that would take years. So I'll just do the main highlights.
We woke up at 4 in the morning, got dressed, got pretty, and off we were! I was in charge of holding the map and giving directions. I guess I'm the mother fuckin map queen because I am AWESOME at giving directions. We drove all day, giggled, laughed, got bored, giggled and laughed some more. The whole trip there was enjoyable.
We interrupt this broadcast with a Becki freak out moment:
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I should have told Ben to leave me alone when I had the chance because now he's trying to be all spontaneous and all, "Oh hey, pack up your stuff so you can come stay with me for a couple weeks in Nevada!" No. No no no no no. Stop it. Go away. How do I tell him I'm not interested without feeling responsible when he commits suicide? That sounds so horrible. But he seriously tells me all the time that I'm his 'whole life' and how he has no idea what he would do without me, I'm the center of his universe, blah blah blah..... I can't believe I'm in this mess again. I feel like the worst fucking person on this planet. Jacob deserves so much more than me. I'm not a good person. I tell him over and over and over and yet he refuses to listen. He'll tell me that I'm perfect, that I'm everything he ever wanted. But I don't even have the guts to tell Ben that I don't have the same feelings for him? God damn. I'm so fucked up.
[[Wanna know something really stupid? I love it when he spells my name with an 'e' at the end. Like 'Beckie'. Because he's the only one that spells it that way and he says, "I just like to spell it like that."]]
Great. Now my whole North Dakota story is ruined. I can't write about it because all I can think of is Jacob and how much I wish I deserved him. Ugh. Fuck this. I'm so tired of being depressed.
Today my older sister just kept talking about how awesome LDS people are and how they're all going to heaven. Seriously? That's your topic of conversation when i'm trying to eat my fucking burger? Thanks.
My parents got on my case, yet again, for not having a life. They're concerned that my life isn't going anywhere. My mom is freaking out because she thinks I'll never get married. My dad is scared that I'm a whore. (I'm starting to believe him after thinking about all the bull shit stuff I did with guys)
I'm sick of being who I am.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I hate being in this stupid fucking house with my stupid fucking nonsupporting family.
This pain never goes away.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
fjeiraljiovdfakl
Jacob is finally my boyfriend. And I couldn't ask for anyone better. Which is the problem. I'm like...the biggest heartbreaker in the world. And if I hurt him, I will not be able to forgivem myself. I love him.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
UGH
Mouth open, gaping, searching, hungry.
My nails scrape against the blood splattered pavement.
Your crooked smile and crooked deeds,
match your ugly insides.
You can be the one to rip me open.
You can sink your teeth into my skin down to the core.
Tear out my very being.
But my beating heart will be the one to put the bullet into your skull.
I wrote this within 5 minutes. I'll have to change it up when I get back form alpha.
My nails scrape against the blood splattered pavement.
Your crooked smile and crooked deeds,
match your ugly insides.
You can be the one to rip me open.
You can sink your teeth into my skin down to the core.
Tear out my very being.
But my beating heart will be the one to put the bullet into your skull.
I wrote this within 5 minutes. I'll have to change it up when I get back form alpha.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Text Message
...I want to tell you something. Ask you something really.
Apr. 2, 1:58 AM
From: Jacob
I have this plan to save up, and find a better job. All this is so that I can afford to get my own place by next year.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
This plan also involves me getting my own car.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
I was thinking, that when I get this car, I can make a road trip up there, pick you up, and bring you home with me.
Apr. 2, 2:05 AM
From: Jacob
I'm being serious. I mean it.
Apr. 2, 2:07 AM
I want this, baby. Just say yes to it already.
Apr. 2, 2:11 AM
From: Jacob
UH, YES. :D :D :D
Apr. 2, 1:58 AM
From: Jacob
I have this plan to save up, and find a better job. All this is so that I can afford to get my own place by next year.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
This plan also involves me getting my own car.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
I was thinking, that when I get this car, I can make a road trip up there, pick you up, and bring you home with me.
Apr. 2, 2:05 AM
From: Jacob
I'm being serious. I mean it.
Apr. 2, 2:07 AM
I want this, baby. Just say yes to it already.
Apr. 2, 2:11 AM
From: Jacob
UH, YES. :D :D :D
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Are you for real?
I woke up to a phone call from Nerd.
"Hey, what are you up to?"
I try to clear my throat so it doesn't sound like I'm just waking up at 2:00 pm. "Oh, uh, not much. How about you?"
"Oh I was just running some errands, I was wondering if you wanted to come with."
"Sure, can you gimme like 20 minutes?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then."
So I go flying out of 'couch'. Rip off my jammies and shove my legs through an old pair of jeans, throw on a shirt, and try to do my hair and make-up within 15 minutes. Yikes. You have no idea how difficult that is when you have frizzy fucking curly hair to the maximum. Anyways, we go around running errands. Sending each other flirty glances and kisses on the cheek and such. I met his little brother and he was one of the coolest 14 year olds I know. So all in all, it was getting to be a pretty okay day so far.
After we drop off his little brother, we headed to my house so he could drop me off. But he missed his exit.
"Wanna go for an adventure?"
And Becki is rarin for adventure so I go, "Hell yeah! I know a place we can go to and check out!"
So we drive to the tunnel by the salt air palace. There's a torn up couch and broken beer bottles, just trash everywhere. Spray painted walls and I know most of the artists of these beautifully rejected walls. I hold up my arms and smile, "This is it! The tunnel!"
He looks around for a second but then grabs me around my waist and pulls me in for a kiss. Alright.
So I kiss him back, but my stomach drops when he starts slowly backing me up against the car. I know where this is going. We're in the middle of nowhere and a guy shoves me against the car and starts kissing me.... Ugh. I don't want to have sex with him. I pull away and say, "No, no, we should get going."
But he's not done with me yet. "Oh come on, you want to. I know you do." And he pulls up my shirt and grabs my tits somewhat roughly. I gasp at the rough contact and struggle to pull my shirt back down, but he keeps his hands in place.
"Becki, why not? Can't we just have sex? Or at least a blow job?"
Mother fucker what?
We are on our second date. And you want to have sex. Or a blow job. Sure, things got kind of crazy the first time we hung out, but can you blame me? I was drunk AND high. That's never happened to me before and I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. But that doesn't give you a free coupon into my pants.
"No, I don't have sex. I told you that."
"Ever?"
What, are you fucking deaf? I told you over and over, I don't have sex.
"Not ever."
"Well, it was good meeting you, Becki. Haha. Just kidding." He said he was kidding, but part of me thinks he's serious. He has suddenly lost interest because I won't put out. He reluctantly gets in the driver's seat and I crawl in the passenger seat.
Silence. The whole way back.
He's holding my hand still, but it's different this time. I think he's holding my hand to keep me from knowing that he's bummed or whatever. When we pull up to my house I lean over and give him a kiss and the only thing he says is, "I had fun." And then kisses me goodbye.
Excuse me, but I would appreciate it. If you would take a step back, and fuck your own face.
About five minutes later, Robert calls. Thank God. I could use some laughter right now, I'm a little pissed off. So Eftichios ( pronounced Eff-tee-hee. He's so greek.), Robert, and Trever come pick me up. When I get in the car, I tell Robert about Nerd and how pissed off I am. Eftichios says, "Oh, you're dating that guy? Dude don't date him. He's a fucking ass."
Me: "Thanks, Eftichios wish you could have told me earlier! But it's okay because he broke his phone today. Which means, hopefully, my phone number is lost forever."
Robert: So are you gonna try things again with Derek?
Me: Fuck that noise. He's treated me so shitty.
Robert: What do you mean?
Me: Well he was always flirtin with girls right in front of me, which didn't bother me except for the fact that he got all jealous when I went on one fucking date.
Robert: Did you know why he's in Oregon? To see if he can get down Megan's pants?
Me: ....wut.
Robert: Yeah, but he probably won't score.
Me: I know, he's got a small ass dick that fucking bastard!
Eftichios: Woah woah woah...who's Meghan?
Me: Oh just this stupid fucking perfect bitch. Derek was flirting with her and hitting on her at a party when we were together.
Eftichios: Are you serious?
Me: Yupp. I'm mostly pissed about it because she's so fucking beautiful. I hate that bitch.
Eftichios: She fine?
Robert: Oh man, she's fucking fine as hell!
Me: Are you kidding me? She's a ten. I give her a ten out of ten. Man, I would do so many naughty things to that girl. It sucks though because when she's in the room, all attention turns to her. And she doesn't even do it on purpose, I don't think. The guys all stop and stare like, 'Dayyuumm!' and then I sit there all feeling invisible and shit.
Eftichios: Oh, Becki. You know I'd fuck you.
Me: Thanks, Eftichios! Oh, I have the greatest friends!
Eftichios: No, I'm serious.
Me: Oh. Wow. Well, Eftichios you are a stud. Seriously. You're like a Greek God.
Eftichios: Thanks. :)
So we went and played pool. I was on Eftichio's team and Robert and Trever were on a team. Laughing, having a good time, everything is going awesome.
I get a text from Derek, speak of the devil. He tells me he's sorry for getting upset when I wouldn't have phone sex with him. He said he was just being a douche and it would never happen again. Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Me: How's your road trip?
Derek: Good except for meghan montoya the bitch
Me: What do you mean?
Derek: She's making me sleep on the fucking floor
[[I'm so glad she's not putting out. Take that you fucking ass lump.]]
Me: wow i'm sorry
Derek: Do you miss me and love me?
Me: Aboslutely.
Derek: I miss and love you too.
Me: You know what? no. I'm pissed.
Derek: Why are you pissed?
Me: You can't come crawling back to me when some chick won't put out.
He kept trying and trying to say sorry. But I'm done. I'm fucking done with guys constantly trying to get in my pants and I'm tired of broken promises. So peace out, bro.
"Hey, what are you up to?"
I try to clear my throat so it doesn't sound like I'm just waking up at 2:00 pm. "Oh, uh, not much. How about you?"
"Oh I was just running some errands, I was wondering if you wanted to come with."
"Sure, can you gimme like 20 minutes?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then."
So I go flying out of 'couch'. Rip off my jammies and shove my legs through an old pair of jeans, throw on a shirt, and try to do my hair and make-up within 15 minutes. Yikes. You have no idea how difficult that is when you have frizzy fucking curly hair to the maximum. Anyways, we go around running errands. Sending each other flirty glances and kisses on the cheek and such. I met his little brother and he was one of the coolest 14 year olds I know. So all in all, it was getting to be a pretty okay day so far.
After we drop off his little brother, we headed to my house so he could drop me off. But he missed his exit.
"Wanna go for an adventure?"
And Becki is rarin for adventure so I go, "Hell yeah! I know a place we can go to and check out!"
So we drive to the tunnel by the salt air palace. There's a torn up couch and broken beer bottles, just trash everywhere. Spray painted walls and I know most of the artists of these beautifully rejected walls. I hold up my arms and smile, "This is it! The tunnel!"
He looks around for a second but then grabs me around my waist and pulls me in for a kiss. Alright.
So I kiss him back, but my stomach drops when he starts slowly backing me up against the car. I know where this is going. We're in the middle of nowhere and a guy shoves me against the car and starts kissing me.... Ugh. I don't want to have sex with him. I pull away and say, "No, no, we should get going."
But he's not done with me yet. "Oh come on, you want to. I know you do." And he pulls up my shirt and grabs my tits somewhat roughly. I gasp at the rough contact and struggle to pull my shirt back down, but he keeps his hands in place.
"Becki, why not? Can't we just have sex? Or at least a blow job?"
Mother fucker what?
We are on our second date. And you want to have sex. Or a blow job. Sure, things got kind of crazy the first time we hung out, but can you blame me? I was drunk AND high. That's never happened to me before and I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. But that doesn't give you a free coupon into my pants.
"No, I don't have sex. I told you that."
"Ever?"
What, are you fucking deaf? I told you over and over, I don't have sex.
"Not ever."
"Well, it was good meeting you, Becki. Haha. Just kidding." He said he was kidding, but part of me thinks he's serious. He has suddenly lost interest because I won't put out. He reluctantly gets in the driver's seat and I crawl in the passenger seat.
Silence. The whole way back.
He's holding my hand still, but it's different this time. I think he's holding my hand to keep me from knowing that he's bummed or whatever. When we pull up to my house I lean over and give him a kiss and the only thing he says is, "I had fun." And then kisses me goodbye.
Excuse me, but I would appreciate it. If you would take a step back, and fuck your own face.
About five minutes later, Robert calls. Thank God. I could use some laughter right now, I'm a little pissed off. So Eftichios ( pronounced Eff-tee-hee. He's so greek.), Robert, and Trever come pick me up. When I get in the car, I tell Robert about Nerd and how pissed off I am. Eftichios says, "Oh, you're dating that guy? Dude don't date him. He's a fucking ass."
Me: "Thanks, Eftichios wish you could have told me earlier! But it's okay because he broke his phone today. Which means, hopefully, my phone number is lost forever."
Robert: So are you gonna try things again with Derek?
Me: Fuck that noise. He's treated me so shitty.
Robert: What do you mean?
Me: Well he was always flirtin with girls right in front of me, which didn't bother me except for the fact that he got all jealous when I went on one fucking date.
Robert: Did you know why he's in Oregon? To see if he can get down Megan's pants?
Me: ....wut.
Robert: Yeah, but he probably won't score.
Me: I know, he's got a small ass dick that fucking bastard!
Eftichios: Woah woah woah...who's Meghan?
Me: Oh just this stupid fucking perfect bitch. Derek was flirting with her and hitting on her at a party when we were together.
Eftichios: Are you serious?
Me: Yupp. I'm mostly pissed about it because she's so fucking beautiful. I hate that bitch.
Eftichios: She fine?
Robert: Oh man, she's fucking fine as hell!
Me: Are you kidding me? She's a ten. I give her a ten out of ten. Man, I would do so many naughty things to that girl. It sucks though because when she's in the room, all attention turns to her. And she doesn't even do it on purpose, I don't think. The guys all stop and stare like, 'Dayyuumm!' and then I sit there all feeling invisible and shit.
Eftichios: Oh, Becki. You know I'd fuck you.
Me: Thanks, Eftichios! Oh, I have the greatest friends!
Eftichios: No, I'm serious.
Me: Oh. Wow. Well, Eftichios you are a stud. Seriously. You're like a Greek God.
Eftichios: Thanks. :)
So we went and played pool. I was on Eftichio's team and Robert and Trever were on a team. Laughing, having a good time, everything is going awesome.
I get a text from Derek, speak of the devil. He tells me he's sorry for getting upset when I wouldn't have phone sex with him. He said he was just being a douche and it would never happen again. Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Me: How's your road trip?
Derek: Good except for meghan montoya the bitch
Me: What do you mean?
Derek: She's making me sleep on the fucking floor
[[I'm so glad she's not putting out. Take that you fucking ass lump.]]
Me: wow i'm sorry
Derek: Do you miss me and love me?
Me: Aboslutely.
Derek: I miss and love you too.
Me: You know what? no. I'm pissed.
Derek: Why are you pissed?
Me: You can't come crawling back to me when some chick won't put out.
He kept trying and trying to say sorry. But I'm done. I'm fucking done with guys constantly trying to get in my pants and I'm tired of broken promises. So peace out, bro.
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