I can't stop looking at that picture Jacob sent me. It's a little distorted, I don't think it sent right. But I don't give a fuck. His smile is intact in the picture and I could just stare at it forever.
I feel bad. He wanted a picture of me.
all of me.
I said yes, but the minute I took my clothes off, I was like Uh uh. Nope. This is not going to work.
I wish I didn't look like such an ugly fat tittied rhino today.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Insanity vs INSANITY
Jacob's ex might be pregnant. And she still wants to break up with her current boyfriend and get back with Jacob.
Fuck that noise!
Not because she might be pregnant.
But I just plain don't like her.
So that's the INSANITY.
Because my day...doesn't even compare. I thought it was insane for a minute. But no.
Last night, Derek told me that he and his girlfriend broke up. And that he really needed to see me. NEEDED. He said needed. So me, being the caring, compassionate, amazing, badass that I am, I go over there. The first thing he does is kiss me. (WTF? Is that every guy's greeting for me now?!) So i'm like...aight. Whatever.
We watched District 9, smoked cigarettes, cuddled. I was enjoying myself, but I knew it wouldn't last. Derek didn't and never can understand me. I tried explaining to him over and over to him that we just aren't compatible. He gets angry too fast and too easily. Why can't you just settle the fuck down and listen to me for two minutes? I mean Jesus Christ!
Next thing I know he's on top of me, kissing, trying to get down my pants. Again. WHY?! What the fucking good hell? What is it with men that they're constantly looking for action? Is sex really that awesome? Fuck man!
I didn't have sex with him. We all know I don't have sex.
But I gave him head. Again.
God, I really need to stop with this fooling around with guys. It's getting embarrassing.
After he finished, he cleaned himself up with a towel and laid down on the couch next to me. I rolled over and stared at him. He really was super good looking. I'll give him that much. "I really did miss you."
I missed him too. Like I said. It wouldn't last.
The next morning, we woke up and I looked like shit. I always look like shit first thing in the morning. Anyways, Derek and I walked to the store, joked around, laughed. Flirted, kissed. All that stupid cute shit. He was texting someone pretty consistently and I knew it was a girl. Probably his ex. But I really didn't care that much. I just thought it was funny that he's such a jealous guy. He can dish it out, but he can't take it. When I went home, I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him.
I walked in my front door and my phone rang. It was Nerd. :) And he wanted to hang out! I guess his new job is closer to my house. SWEET! I was stoked. I hopped in the shower real fast, made myself pretty so I could impress this stupid cute boy, and we went to Atlantis Burger. I was sitting across from him in the booth, sharing onion rings with him.
Nerd: Wow, you have really pretty eyes.
Me: What? No I don't.
Nerd: I think so...wait....I think I see something in your eyes.
Me: What? What do you see? Tell me tell me!
Nerd: I see...that you want my body.
Me: haha! You think you can see that in my eyes?
Nerd: Oh definitely. There are some promiscuous thoughts running through your brain pretty often.
[[Wtf? How does he know that I've been super horny lately?!? Did I send off that vibe?!]]
Me: Um, nope. :D
Nerd: Oh! Oh! You are ice cold!
Me: I'm not cold. Just honest.
Nerd: You're the ice queen!
Me: I just don't have sex.
Nerd: Ever?
Me: Yup. It's been four months now. Goin strong.
Nerd: .....you still want my body.
And I totally. Fucking. Do.
While we were talking and having a good time, all I could think about was the way his hands touched my body that one night and how he ran his tongue along the edge of my ear....god damn. I'm surprised I could keep a conversation with him. All of my focus was on my vagina and how I wanted him. Unnngh.
When he dropped me off at my house, I leaned over my seat to give him a kiss goodbye only to find him turning his head and getting out of the car. What the hell? I get out of the car and he's walking around the car and I go, "You know, you didn't have to get out of the car to say goodbye to me."
He didn't say one word to me, just grabbed my jacket and pulled me in for a kiss.
[[I'm actually having a hard time typing this. That's how fucking horny I am. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.]] So he's leaning against his car and I'm leaning into him, making out with him. Super hot-like.
"Let's just have sex right here," he whispers in my ear and then he lifts me off the ground like I weigh fucking 12 pounds. So now my weight is supported on him, with my legs wrapped around him and he kisses me hard. I literally almost lost control. He buried his teeth into my neck softly and I said, "I don't think my neighbors would appreciate us having sex right in front of their house."
"Nah. Pretty sure we would just give them good ideas." But he puts me down, getting the hint that it's not gonna happen. Of course.
A few kisses later and I tell him, "Okay I really have to go inside now!"
and I give him one final kiss and go inside.
I feel like one of those middle aged divorced women that haven't been laid in forever. [[Cougar status up in here.]] I feel like I'm desperate for sex but at the same time not emotionally ready to put out either. God there is really something wrong with me.
Gonna go call Jacob now and love his cuteness forever.
Fuck that noise!
Not because she might be pregnant.
But I just plain don't like her.
So that's the INSANITY.
Because my day...doesn't even compare. I thought it was insane for a minute. But no.
Last night, Derek told me that he and his girlfriend broke up. And that he really needed to see me. NEEDED. He said needed. So me, being the caring, compassionate, amazing, badass that I am, I go over there. The first thing he does is kiss me. (WTF? Is that every guy's greeting for me now?!) So i'm like...aight. Whatever.
We watched District 9, smoked cigarettes, cuddled. I was enjoying myself, but I knew it wouldn't last. Derek didn't and never can understand me. I tried explaining to him over and over to him that we just aren't compatible. He gets angry too fast and too easily. Why can't you just settle the fuck down and listen to me for two minutes? I mean Jesus Christ!
Next thing I know he's on top of me, kissing, trying to get down my pants. Again. WHY?! What the fucking good hell? What is it with men that they're constantly looking for action? Is sex really that awesome? Fuck man!
I didn't have sex with him. We all know I don't have sex.
But I gave him head. Again.
God, I really need to stop with this fooling around with guys. It's getting embarrassing.
After he finished, he cleaned himself up with a towel and laid down on the couch next to me. I rolled over and stared at him. He really was super good looking. I'll give him that much. "I really did miss you."
I missed him too. Like I said. It wouldn't last.
The next morning, we woke up and I looked like shit. I always look like shit first thing in the morning. Anyways, Derek and I walked to the store, joked around, laughed. Flirted, kissed. All that stupid cute shit. He was texting someone pretty consistently and I knew it was a girl. Probably his ex. But I really didn't care that much. I just thought it was funny that he's such a jealous guy. He can dish it out, but he can't take it. When I went home, I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him.
I walked in my front door and my phone rang. It was Nerd. :) And he wanted to hang out! I guess his new job is closer to my house. SWEET! I was stoked. I hopped in the shower real fast, made myself pretty so I could impress this stupid cute boy, and we went to Atlantis Burger. I was sitting across from him in the booth, sharing onion rings with him.
Nerd: Wow, you have really pretty eyes.
Me: What? No I don't.
Nerd: I think so...wait....I think I see something in your eyes.
Me: What? What do you see? Tell me tell me!
Nerd: I see...that you want my body.
Me: haha! You think you can see that in my eyes?
Nerd: Oh definitely. There are some promiscuous thoughts running through your brain pretty often.
[[Wtf? How does he know that I've been super horny lately?!? Did I send off that vibe?!]]
Me: Um, nope. :D
Nerd: Oh! Oh! You are ice cold!
Me: I'm not cold. Just honest.
Nerd: You're the ice queen!
Me: I just don't have sex.
Nerd: Ever?
Me: Yup. It's been four months now. Goin strong.
Nerd: .....you still want my body.
And I totally. Fucking. Do.
While we were talking and having a good time, all I could think about was the way his hands touched my body that one night and how he ran his tongue along the edge of my ear....god damn. I'm surprised I could keep a conversation with him. All of my focus was on my vagina and how I wanted him. Unnngh.
When he dropped me off at my house, I leaned over my seat to give him a kiss goodbye only to find him turning his head and getting out of the car. What the hell? I get out of the car and he's walking around the car and I go, "You know, you didn't have to get out of the car to say goodbye to me."
He didn't say one word to me, just grabbed my jacket and pulled me in for a kiss.
[[I'm actually having a hard time typing this. That's how fucking horny I am. FUCKING RIDICULOUS.]] So he's leaning against his car and I'm leaning into him, making out with him. Super hot-like.
"Let's just have sex right here," he whispers in my ear and then he lifts me off the ground like I weigh fucking 12 pounds. So now my weight is supported on him, with my legs wrapped around him and he kisses me hard. I literally almost lost control. He buried his teeth into my neck softly and I said, "I don't think my neighbors would appreciate us having sex right in front of their house."
"Nah. Pretty sure we would just give them good ideas." But he puts me down, getting the hint that it's not gonna happen. Of course.
A few kisses later and I tell him, "Okay I really have to go inside now!"
and I give him one final kiss and go inside.
I feel like one of those middle aged divorced women that haven't been laid in forever. [[Cougar status up in here.]] I feel like I'm desperate for sex but at the same time not emotionally ready to put out either. God there is really something wrong with me.
Gonna go call Jacob now and love his cuteness forever.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Nerd
Finally hung out with hella nerd.
Good God.
He lives kinda far away, but he drove out to see me. When I walked outside, he was standing next to his car. It was dark, so it was hard to see him. But his adorable smile just about made me die. I gave him a hug and then he went 90%. Right then and there. I just smiled and teased him with the closeness.
"I could wait all day," he said.
And just when I was about to go in for the kiss, he just kissed my forehead and said, "Well, let's go."
We got in his car and drove to the top of the world. It overlooks all of Salt Lake, and it's gorgeous. We sat down and stared at the lights and drank Chardonnay out of the bottle, talking, flirting. Being all cute and shit.
Got a ticket for trespassing. Figures. I felt like such a bitch. Some date, right? It's all romantic and what not and then HAHA! YOU HAVE TO PAY THIRTY BUCKS FOR PARKING HERE, BITCH! Expensive date. *facepalm*
So I leaned over in his car and said, "I'm sorry. I think you've earned this." And I kissed him. And he told me my tongue was too elusive. Haha.
Then we drove all the way back to his place. He kept one hand on the wheel and held my hand with his other hand. I was grinning like a fool, but I tried not to let him see.
When we pulled up to the house, he pulled out his pipe and weed. "It won't offend you, will it?"
Me: "What? No no, of course not!" I totally lied. I hate weed.
He took a hit and then passed it to me.
"Why'd you pass it to me?! I don't smoke! I don't even know...it's been three years! I can't do this shit!"
He laughed and coughed then said, "I was just handing it to you, but you can smoke it if you wanna."
And I don't know what came over me. My sense of adventurousness? Or something? Maybe it was too much wine. I don't know. But I smoked weed with the Nerd in his car. I didn't feel TOO much different. I felt relaxed, there was a dull numbness that settled over my body. And all of a sudden, everything was fucking funny. Ha!
We settled down on the couch inside his apartment to watch a scary movie. Which ended up just being hilarious. He was yelling, "OH MY GOD THAT BITCH JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!" And I would start laughing. Then we would start kissing. And giggling. And cuddling. And kissing. And giggling some more.
After the movie was over (which we barely watched) he said, "Let's take this to le bedroom!"
I'm thinking, holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck. He probably expects me to have sex with him. I can't do that. I can't do that! I can't have sex! Smoking weed is one thing!
He pushes me down on the bed and gaaaaaaaaaaaah! His hands were everywhere!
I liked it.
I could feel my skin get hot when his hands slid under my shirt, softly rubbing, and raking his nails lightly on my lower back. My hips involuntarily lifted and I gasped. Apparently smoking weed doesn't make your skin numb. At all. I rolled over and straddled him and he pulled my shirt the rest of the way off then grabbed my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. Having his tongue in my mouth made my head swim and I pushed my hips hard up against his. Then he did this thing....oh dear god, he raked his teeth from my shoulder all the way up my neck and I moaned. So fucking loud. Nobody has ever...like...you have no idea. It was one of the hottest moments of my life. I lost track of my hands, they were all over the place at that point.
He tugged on my hair a little bit and I pulled his body impossibly closer to mine.
When he shoved his hand down my pants I started to protest. I don't usually...well not just anyone gets to see my vagina let alone touch it. It's just that my vagina is very special to me. Haha!
Anyways, I started to protest but I stopped protesting when he shoved one finger inside me.
Then when he ran his tongue up the center of my chest, I thought my mind might implode on itself.
I don't know how it happened, but his pants were off. And I wasn't complaining. I was stroking him and enjoying it a little too much.
I could tell what he wanted, and I wanted to give it to him.
But then...a song came on the radio. A song by Rihanna. And all of a sudden, Jacob's singing voice was loud and clear in my head. I love his singing voice. I love him. And I felt guilty, I felt...I couldn't go through with this. I can't give a this guy head when I've got Jacob's voice in MY head. And just when I was about to say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this,'' he shoved a second finger inside me. I don't know how he managed that, because getting my own two fingers inside myself is a challenge. I almost screamed. Seriously. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from making too many joyous noises. And right when that happened, he finished also.
How convenient. Just when I was gonna put on the brakes, he finishes. But so did I. So I ain't even mad.
We fell asleep on that mattress on his bedroom floor, cuddling and talking til we fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, god damn it was cute. I looked like fucking hell. Seriously. I looked like shit. But he of course looked like super amazingness. Just tired. And I wanted to steal all the freckles off of his cute ass face and put them in my special box.
On the drive back...ugh. I hate this stage. It's the 'I kind of like you, but I don't know if you like me as much as I like you so I'm still gonna distance it' stage. I fucking hate that shit. If you like me, then just fucking steal me away. Don't make me play this 'do you really like me' game. He held my hand on the drive back, we kissed at stop lights. Which was super fucking adorable.
I was on cloud nine for about 10 minutes after I walked in the door.
Then the conflict and depression hit me again.
What the fuck am I doing? What the hell do I think I'm doing? This guy, probably isn't even interested in someone like me. Are you stupid, Becki? Are you fucking stupid?
I felt like I had somehow betrayed Jacob, and myself.
I went against my morals, I did something I hate. I smoked weed. I wanted to have an experience with this guy that was real, something that I could remember the next day and be sure about. Instead I got high, drank too much wine and vodka, and almost went down on him. What the hell? What does that say about me? That I'm a slutty girl that likes to suck dick? Fuck. I don't want to be that.
I felt even more guilty, wishing that I had had this amazing day with Jacob.
Wishing it had been his hands all over my body.
Wishing it had been his lips I was kissing.
Wishing it had been his eyes I was staring into.
I called him tonight. His voice makes all of my problems disappear. I hear his voice and I instantly smile, my heart jumps. It's love. I know it is.
He might be getting back with his ex. Yes, I have a slight problem with this. Not because I'm jealous, that's not it at all.
I swear to God, if she breaks his heart again, I will hunt her down and kick that cunt into a bloody pulp. I do not want him hurt. More than anything. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be so happy that it's almost retarded how happy he is. And if she's what makes him happy, then oh my fucking goodness he should be with her. Every day, every second. If doing open mic at the comedy club makes him happy, then I want him to do that. If playing xbox live all day everyday makes him happy, then he should do that! It's when he's hurt that I can't stand. When he's hurting, I just want to sit in his lap, wrap my arms around him tight, and never let go. I don't want her to hurt him.
I could hear his voice getting sleepier as I talked to him.
"Should we get some sleep baby?"
I said, "No. No, don't sleep. I don't want to say goodbye to your voice yet."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I'm just scared that if I hang up the phone...what if I never hear your voice again?" I know. Me and my stupid irrational fears.
"I'm always going to be here for you baby."
4i$#FWI(3wrMVB
Why is he so perfect?
Good God.
He lives kinda far away, but he drove out to see me. When I walked outside, he was standing next to his car. It was dark, so it was hard to see him. But his adorable smile just about made me die. I gave him a hug and then he went 90%. Right then and there. I just smiled and teased him with the closeness.
"I could wait all day," he said.
And just when I was about to go in for the kiss, he just kissed my forehead and said, "Well, let's go."
We got in his car and drove to the top of the world. It overlooks all of Salt Lake, and it's gorgeous. We sat down and stared at the lights and drank Chardonnay out of the bottle, talking, flirting. Being all cute and shit.
Got a ticket for trespassing. Figures. I felt like such a bitch. Some date, right? It's all romantic and what not and then HAHA! YOU HAVE TO PAY THIRTY BUCKS FOR PARKING HERE, BITCH! Expensive date. *facepalm*
So I leaned over in his car and said, "I'm sorry. I think you've earned this." And I kissed him. And he told me my tongue was too elusive. Haha.
Then we drove all the way back to his place. He kept one hand on the wheel and held my hand with his other hand. I was grinning like a fool, but I tried not to let him see.
When we pulled up to the house, he pulled out his pipe and weed. "It won't offend you, will it?"
Me: "What? No no, of course not!" I totally lied. I hate weed.
He took a hit and then passed it to me.
"Why'd you pass it to me?! I don't smoke! I don't even know...it's been three years! I can't do this shit!"
He laughed and coughed then said, "I was just handing it to you, but you can smoke it if you wanna."
And I don't know what came over me. My sense of adventurousness? Or something? Maybe it was too much wine. I don't know. But I smoked weed with the Nerd in his car. I didn't feel TOO much different. I felt relaxed, there was a dull numbness that settled over my body. And all of a sudden, everything was fucking funny. Ha!
We settled down on the couch inside his apartment to watch a scary movie. Which ended up just being hilarious. He was yelling, "OH MY GOD THAT BITCH JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!" And I would start laughing. Then we would start kissing. And giggling. And cuddling. And kissing. And giggling some more.
After the movie was over (which we barely watched) he said, "Let's take this to le bedroom!"
I'm thinking, holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck. He probably expects me to have sex with him. I can't do that. I can't do that! I can't have sex! Smoking weed is one thing!
He pushes me down on the bed and gaaaaaaaaaaaah! His hands were everywhere!
I liked it.
I could feel my skin get hot when his hands slid under my shirt, softly rubbing, and raking his nails lightly on my lower back. My hips involuntarily lifted and I gasped. Apparently smoking weed doesn't make your skin numb. At all. I rolled over and straddled him and he pulled my shirt the rest of the way off then grabbed my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. Having his tongue in my mouth made my head swim and I pushed my hips hard up against his. Then he did this thing....oh dear god, he raked his teeth from my shoulder all the way up my neck and I moaned. So fucking loud. Nobody has ever...like...you have no idea. It was one of the hottest moments of my life. I lost track of my hands, they were all over the place at that point.
He tugged on my hair a little bit and I pulled his body impossibly closer to mine.
When he shoved his hand down my pants I started to protest. I don't usually...well not just anyone gets to see my vagina let alone touch it. It's just that my vagina is very special to me. Haha!
Anyways, I started to protest but I stopped protesting when he shoved one finger inside me.
Then when he ran his tongue up the center of my chest, I thought my mind might implode on itself.
I don't know how it happened, but his pants were off. And I wasn't complaining. I was stroking him and enjoying it a little too much.
I could tell what he wanted, and I wanted to give it to him.
But then...a song came on the radio. A song by Rihanna. And all of a sudden, Jacob's singing voice was loud and clear in my head. I love his singing voice. I love him. And I felt guilty, I felt...I couldn't go through with this. I can't give a this guy head when I've got Jacob's voice in MY head. And just when I was about to say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this,'' he shoved a second finger inside me. I don't know how he managed that, because getting my own two fingers inside myself is a challenge. I almost screamed. Seriously. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from making too many joyous noises. And right when that happened, he finished also.
How convenient. Just when I was gonna put on the brakes, he finishes. But so did I. So I ain't even mad.
We fell asleep on that mattress on his bedroom floor, cuddling and talking til we fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, god damn it was cute. I looked like fucking hell. Seriously. I looked like shit. But he of course looked like super amazingness. Just tired. And I wanted to steal all the freckles off of his cute ass face and put them in my special box.
On the drive back...ugh. I hate this stage. It's the 'I kind of like you, but I don't know if you like me as much as I like you so I'm still gonna distance it' stage. I fucking hate that shit. If you like me, then just fucking steal me away. Don't make me play this 'do you really like me' game. He held my hand on the drive back, we kissed at stop lights. Which was super fucking adorable.
I was on cloud nine for about 10 minutes after I walked in the door.
Then the conflict and depression hit me again.
What the fuck am I doing? What the hell do I think I'm doing? This guy, probably isn't even interested in someone like me. Are you stupid, Becki? Are you fucking stupid?
I felt like I had somehow betrayed Jacob, and myself.
I went against my morals, I did something I hate. I smoked weed. I wanted to have an experience with this guy that was real, something that I could remember the next day and be sure about. Instead I got high, drank too much wine and vodka, and almost went down on him. What the hell? What does that say about me? That I'm a slutty girl that likes to suck dick? Fuck. I don't want to be that.
I felt even more guilty, wishing that I had had this amazing day with Jacob.
Wishing it had been his hands all over my body.
Wishing it had been his lips I was kissing.
Wishing it had been his eyes I was staring into.
I called him tonight. His voice makes all of my problems disappear. I hear his voice and I instantly smile, my heart jumps. It's love. I know it is.
He might be getting back with his ex. Yes, I have a slight problem with this. Not because I'm jealous, that's not it at all.
I swear to God, if she breaks his heart again, I will hunt her down and kick that cunt into a bloody pulp. I do not want him hurt. More than anything. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be so happy that it's almost retarded how happy he is. And if she's what makes him happy, then oh my fucking goodness he should be with her. Every day, every second. If doing open mic at the comedy club makes him happy, then I want him to do that. If playing xbox live all day everyday makes him happy, then he should do that! It's when he's hurt that I can't stand. When he's hurting, I just want to sit in his lap, wrap my arms around him tight, and never let go. I don't want her to hurt him.
I could hear his voice getting sleepier as I talked to him.
"Should we get some sleep baby?"
I said, "No. No, don't sleep. I don't want to say goodbye to your voice yet."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I'm just scared that if I hang up the phone...what if I never hear your voice again?" I know. Me and my stupid irrational fears.
"I'm always going to be here for you baby."
4i$#FWI(3wrMVB
Why is he so perfect?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
First Kiss
When I was walking up to the coffee shop for this blind date, I was praying under my breath that I would get there first. That way I could compose myself, make sure I don't look like total shit, and maybe send a picture of my outfit to Jacob. He totally wanted to see how hot I was. I was lookin good. I saw him through the glass and instantly knew it was him. His jawline wasn't as strong as the pictures suggested and his manner was sooooo much nerdier. SO MUCH. Just in those five seconds I could tell this guy was ULTRAGEEK.
I walked in the door and when he looked up, he jumped out of his chair and enveloped me in a giant hug. Hugging is good. He was taller than I thought he would be. He took my face in his hands and kissed me. Right then and there.
Oh, wow, okay. Wait...what the fuck is he doing with his lips?! IS THIS A KISS??! IS HE KISSING ME?!?! What the hell?!?
Needless to say, I wasn't impressed with his kissing skills. And I don't know why, but whenever I kiss a guy for the first time, I'm expecting music to start playing in the background, I'm expecting the guy to expertly hold the back of my head in that spot that makes my knees go weak. I expect his lips to just know mine already in this weird cosmic way. I expect mountains to move, unicorns to come out of fucking no where, and cupid comes out with a bow and arrow and BOOM next thing I know I'm married and living happily ever after.
My life never works like that.
Ten was not...well he wasn't a ten. But me, being the great awesome kisser I am, adapted to his kissing style. I wanted my body to catch fire, but it didn't. So when the kiss ended he just stood there stroking my hair, telling me how he'd waited so long to kiss me.
I feel awkward as fuck at this point.
How do I tell someone, "Holy shit. You're so nerdy to the point where it's scary."?
As far as first kisses go....this was not good. At all.
If you're curious as to who the best kisser ever was...well I was...let's see...16 years old. He had long...blood/blonde hair. He loved metal and grand theft auto. But he was the most intelligent person I'd ever met. And god damn, did I mention he was gorgeous? He was gorgeous. Anyways. I was crushin in him for awhile. We were hanging out pretty consistently. I finally told him that I was crushin.
I go over to his house to watch American Beauty. I think that's what it's called.
We were laying on his huge ass bed, watching this amazing movie. There was a glitch in the movie and I crawled over him to fix it, and when I was crawling back, he just sat up, grabbed my face and kissed me.
It was perfection.
THERE WAS MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND FOR CHRIST'S SAKES. My whole body caught fire. I felt the tingles run from my lips all the way down to my toes. And when his tongue brushed against my lips, oh dear god help me. I just about lost myself.
We ended up making out. Good hell. Oh my god. Just remembering it....mmmmm.
Wow.
It was the hottest, most romantic moment in my life.
Turns out, he didn't really feel that way about me.
We have this totally romantic and hot moment and he didn't feel it?! How could you have not felt my body catch on fire?! I thought I would burn the whole mother fucking house down, and he didn't feel a smidgen of romance towards me? I was pretty heartbroken. I think I still am. I've never had a kiss like that in my life and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever catch fire again.
I walked in the door and when he looked up, he jumped out of his chair and enveloped me in a giant hug. Hugging is good. He was taller than I thought he would be. He took my face in his hands and kissed me. Right then and there.
Oh, wow, okay. Wait...what the fuck is he doing with his lips?! IS THIS A KISS??! IS HE KISSING ME?!?! What the hell?!?
Needless to say, I wasn't impressed with his kissing skills. And I don't know why, but whenever I kiss a guy for the first time, I'm expecting music to start playing in the background, I'm expecting the guy to expertly hold the back of my head in that spot that makes my knees go weak. I expect his lips to just know mine already in this weird cosmic way. I expect mountains to move, unicorns to come out of fucking no where, and cupid comes out with a bow and arrow and BOOM next thing I know I'm married and living happily ever after.
My life never works like that.
Ten was not...well he wasn't a ten. But me, being the great awesome kisser I am, adapted to his kissing style. I wanted my body to catch fire, but it didn't. So when the kiss ended he just stood there stroking my hair, telling me how he'd waited so long to kiss me.
I feel awkward as fuck at this point.
How do I tell someone, "Holy shit. You're so nerdy to the point where it's scary."?
As far as first kisses go....this was not good. At all.
If you're curious as to who the best kisser ever was...well I was...let's see...16 years old. He had long...blood/blonde hair. He loved metal and grand theft auto. But he was the most intelligent person I'd ever met. And god damn, did I mention he was gorgeous? He was gorgeous. Anyways. I was crushin in him for awhile. We were hanging out pretty consistently. I finally told him that I was crushin.
I go over to his house to watch American Beauty. I think that's what it's called.
We were laying on his huge ass bed, watching this amazing movie. There was a glitch in the movie and I crawled over him to fix it, and when I was crawling back, he just sat up, grabbed my face and kissed me.
It was perfection.
THERE WAS MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND FOR CHRIST'S SAKES. My whole body caught fire. I felt the tingles run from my lips all the way down to my toes. And when his tongue brushed against my lips, oh dear god help me. I just about lost myself.
We ended up making out. Good hell. Oh my god. Just remembering it....mmmmm.
Wow.
It was the hottest, most romantic moment in my life.
Turns out, he didn't really feel that way about me.
We have this totally romantic and hot moment and he didn't feel it?! How could you have not felt my body catch on fire?! I thought I would burn the whole mother fucking house down, and he didn't feel a smidgen of romance towards me? I was pretty heartbroken. I think I still am. I've never had a kiss like that in my life and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever catch fire again.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Whiskey and Grape Rockstars
I can't spit this sour taste.
My lies have caught up with me...and my best girl friend no longer knows who I am anymore. The whiskey washed over my teeth and we talked about everything, but I revealed nothing. I heard the music in my mind and felt the beat pump through my veins. She just drove as if there were no tomorrow.
When I check my phone I have 2 unread messages. One from Jacob. One from Ten. I can feel my face get hot when I read Jacob's message. But when I read the one from Ten, I just stare out the water-speckled window and try to keep back the tears. How do I get myself in these situations?
I just want Jacob.
How many hearts will I have to break?
My lies have caught up with me...and my best girl friend no longer knows who I am anymore. The whiskey washed over my teeth and we talked about everything, but I revealed nothing. I heard the music in my mind and felt the beat pump through my veins. She just drove as if there were no tomorrow.
When I check my phone I have 2 unread messages. One from Jacob. One from Ten. I can feel my face get hot when I read Jacob's message. But when I read the one from Ten, I just stare out the water-speckled window and try to keep back the tears. How do I get myself in these situations?
I just want Jacob.
How many hearts will I have to break?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Stretched Over Your Bones
If I could, I would seep through your skin into your bones
Wait on your corner
Feel your heartbeat on my palms
Carry your fragil stamped heart
Encased in my small hands
Sleep with my head on your pillow
And your heart on my nightstand
Wait on your corner
Feel your heartbeat on my palms
Carry your fragil stamped heart
Encased in my small hands
Sleep with my head on your pillow
And your heart on my nightstand
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Make-out Swinger
I almost told my ex about Jacob.
And about how it's very possible that I might one day be a swinger. Except it wouldn't really be a swinger because I don't have sex. More like...in a relationship with Jacob but I go around making out with tons of people. Make out swinger? Is there such a thing?
Or maybe I'll just have three-somes all the time.
ALSO.
I'm talking to my ex via facebook and he told me that he wanted to have a three-some with me. Totally out of the blue. I don't know why, but I don't think I'd ever be able to have a three-some with him. Maybe it's because he doesn't like getting head. How could you not like that?! I fucking love giving head, and he doesn't like it?!?!
ARE YOU REALLY A MAN?!?!
(Well he's in the Navy. That would explain a few things. OH BURN.)
I've been meaning to sit down and write about my weekend and all it's hot sexiness and awkward moments. I will later. ♥♥
And about how it's very possible that I might one day be a swinger. Except it wouldn't really be a swinger because I don't have sex. More like...in a relationship with Jacob but I go around making out with tons of people. Make out swinger? Is there such a thing?
Or maybe I'll just have three-somes all the time.
ALSO.
I'm talking to my ex via facebook and he told me that he wanted to have a three-some with me. Totally out of the blue. I don't know why, but I don't think I'd ever be able to have a three-some with him. Maybe it's because he doesn't like getting head. How could you not like that?! I fucking love giving head, and he doesn't like it?!?!
ARE YOU REALLY A MAN?!?!
(Well he's in the Navy. That would explain a few things. OH BURN.)
I've been meaning to sit down and write about my weekend and all it's hot sexiness and awkward moments. I will later. ♥♥
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Pitchures.
I hate it when I'm trying to drink the last of the slurpee but it won't go through the damn straw and I end up getting brainfreeze. -.-
In case you were wondering, this is how I looked today. Like shit.
And this is the picture that the hella nerd sent me.
Hahahahahaha!
Fuck, I hate dating.
Good night! ♥
Dating? ugh.
Hella nerd asked me on a date.
It's for tomorrow.
Dinner and a movie at his place.
E$IAJFOLDSJAKLDJFK#IAWTR$O#(DF. :(
Why does it feel like I won't have a good time?
Why do I feel like this?
It's for tomorrow.
Dinner and a movie at his place.
E$IAJFOLDSJAKLDJFK#IAWTR$O#(DF. :(
Why does it feel like I won't have a good time?
Why do I feel like this?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Jellysickle
I'm not sure why I gave that guy my number. Maybe it was the fact that I had too many beers. Or maybe I was just sick of M's shit and wanted to make him jealous.
Let me tell you a something about jealous bitches. THEY SUCK. I'm not the jealous type, I'm really not. I get jealous every now and then, sure. That's human. Usually it's because there's this girl that is super pretty and perfect. It happens.
Especially when Megan Milligens is around.
That bitch.
Anywho.! So I go to this party. Mr. M is there, all my friends are there, everyone is drinking and having a good time. Sort of.
There's a lot of good looking guys there, I'm not gonna lie! But I'm not the type to go up and flirt or talk to them. For the most part, I just stand there and drool. That's what I fucking do best.
This guy walks up and tells me I'm the prettiest red head he's seen in his life. I'm very flattered and say, "Wow thanks!" Then when he asks me if I want to go out for sushi sometime...I said, "You know what, I'm sorry but no." I did it! I fucking did it! I turned down a guy! I usually fall straight in their trap. I usually give out my phone number like candy. Know why? For most of my life, I wasn't liked by men. I was invisible to guys. Completely invisible. All of a sudden, WHAM, I'm a wanted little lady. And I am eatin that shit up! I love it. I fucking love it. This guy that is hitting on me...he's not really the gentleman type. I want someone who will take me out and then not expect me to sleep with them. Jussayin.
Mr. M hears the whole conversation, and he gets jealous just because this guy hit on me in the first place. Whatever. Don't be immature. We're not together. So I'm ignoring his jealous stares and what not. (Turns out he went outside and punched a tree. Fucking mature.)
Later on in the night, I drink some more beers and we have a different guy hitting on me. This guy is a hella nerd. I can tell. But he's pretty adorable. I go outside for a cigarette. It's pretty chilly outside. I dunno, maybe this is bitchy of me. Or demanding. I'm not sure. But Mr. M is standing there with his big ass coat on, and I have only a tank top on. Shivering my ass off. So I go, "Holy fuck, it got cold tonight!" Mr. M doesn't say anything, just hands me the cigarette. Thanks, asshole. But then the hella nerd takes off his jacket and hands it to me. I'm kind of annoyed at Mr. M for being immature and not giving a damn if my ass is freezing. So I flirt with hella nerd...right in front of Mr. M. "Your jacket smells way good!" (I know. Not my best line. BUT I'M DRUNK, BITCHES, WHAT UP?!) Mr. M gets pissed off and walks inside. I strangely feel accomplished.
Then, right before we're leaving the party, hella nerd asks for my number. Keep in mind...I'm drunk at this point. So I give it out like candy. He's more of a gentleman than Mr. M and he's a nerd which is a turn on. So it's a win. Kind of.
He sent me a picture of himself the next day. And he's wearing a knight's helmet. XD
I died laughing.
....why do I suddenly smell whiskey? And why am I not drinking it?! WJIFEJW?!
Random. THEN. I call Jacob today and he's...cute and funny. And amazing. And everything I ever wanted. As usual. With the exception of 'far away'. I definitely don't want him to be that.
So hella nerd wants to take me on a date, Mr. M is jealous, I'm in love with Jacob, and everything is mixed up. As usual.
END.
Ps. Jellysickle City.
Let me tell you a something about jealous bitches. THEY SUCK. I'm not the jealous type, I'm really not. I get jealous every now and then, sure. That's human. Usually it's because there's this girl that is super pretty and perfect. It happens.
Especially when Megan Milligens is around.
That bitch.
Anywho.! So I go to this party. Mr. M is there, all my friends are there, everyone is drinking and having a good time. Sort of.
There's a lot of good looking guys there, I'm not gonna lie! But I'm not the type to go up and flirt or talk to them. For the most part, I just stand there and drool. That's what I fucking do best.
This guy walks up and tells me I'm the prettiest red head he's seen in his life. I'm very flattered and say, "Wow thanks!" Then when he asks me if I want to go out for sushi sometime...I said, "You know what, I'm sorry but no." I did it! I fucking did it! I turned down a guy! I usually fall straight in their trap. I usually give out my phone number like candy. Know why? For most of my life, I wasn't liked by men. I was invisible to guys. Completely invisible. All of a sudden, WHAM, I'm a wanted little lady. And I am eatin that shit up! I love it. I fucking love it. This guy that is hitting on me...he's not really the gentleman type. I want someone who will take me out and then not expect me to sleep with them. Jussayin.
Mr. M hears the whole conversation, and he gets jealous just because this guy hit on me in the first place. Whatever. Don't be immature. We're not together. So I'm ignoring his jealous stares and what not. (Turns out he went outside and punched a tree. Fucking mature.)
Later on in the night, I drink some more beers and we have a different guy hitting on me. This guy is a hella nerd. I can tell. But he's pretty adorable. I go outside for a cigarette. It's pretty chilly outside. I dunno, maybe this is bitchy of me. Or demanding. I'm not sure. But Mr. M is standing there with his big ass coat on, and I have only a tank top on. Shivering my ass off. So I go, "Holy fuck, it got cold tonight!" Mr. M doesn't say anything, just hands me the cigarette. Thanks, asshole. But then the hella nerd takes off his jacket and hands it to me. I'm kind of annoyed at Mr. M for being immature and not giving a damn if my ass is freezing. So I flirt with hella nerd...right in front of Mr. M. "Your jacket smells way good!" (I know. Not my best line. BUT I'M DRUNK, BITCHES, WHAT UP?!) Mr. M gets pissed off and walks inside. I strangely feel accomplished.
Then, right before we're leaving the party, hella nerd asks for my number. Keep in mind...I'm drunk at this point. So I give it out like candy. He's more of a gentleman than Mr. M and he's a nerd which is a turn on. So it's a win. Kind of.
He sent me a picture of himself the next day. And he's wearing a knight's helmet. XD
I died laughing.
....why do I suddenly smell whiskey? And why am I not drinking it?! WJIFEJW?!
Random. THEN. I call Jacob today and he's...cute and funny. And amazing. And everything I ever wanted. As usual. With the exception of 'far away'. I definitely don't want him to be that.
So hella nerd wants to take me on a date, Mr. M is jealous, I'm in love with Jacob, and everything is mixed up. As usual.
END.
Ps. Jellysickle City.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I hate the title 'Boyfriend'
Mr. M and I are done for. For good. I broke up with him yesterday, but he didn't seem to get the message until I told him, 'Here's the bottom line. I won't be dating you anymore.'
He didn't take it very well. He's been pretty immature about it.
I'm hoping he'll get over his cocky self and find God and all that jazz. I just know I can't be a part of his life in that way anymore. He was way too obnoxiously clingy.
I hate the title 'boyfriend' because I've dated a lot of shitty guys. I think that's part of the reason why I told Jacob I wouldn't date him. I hate hate hate hate the term 'boyfriend'. And I don't want to give that shitty title to someone as amazing as him. He's seriously perfect in every single way. Being his girlfriend....there's a good chance that would ruin everything.
But dear God, him being his perfect self, he said, "There's no way you could hurt me. It's not possible. I love you for who you are, not what you have or your actions."
Whenever I think of my dream guy, he pops in my head.
Him, and Ryan Reynolds.
But I would be such a bad girl friend and I'm so undeserving of him.
AND I THINK HIS BEST FRIEND MIGHT NOT LIKE ME.
Omg I have the biggest girl crush on her. And Jacob was begging me to send her a message on myspace and to add her. So I did. She hasn't messaged me back.
God, I scare everyone away!
Especially girls. Girls hate me. Not because I'm a drama llama, but because I'm fucking weird.
It probably doesn't help that Jacob told her that we had sex. *facepalm* I don't want her to think I'm a whore! And does phone sex count as REALsex? I never count it as REALsex. The only thing penetrating me is my finger. So it's basically assisted masturbation. That's what it is. He should've told her he assisted-masturbated me!
BAH!
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