Honestly

It was hard, telling Jacob that I would not be talking to him. :( Really hard.

He still means...more to me than anyone ever has. He understands me more than anyone else has and probably ever will. I wish he wasn't so far away. I was tempted today to send him a text, to tell him how I felt, how I miss him, but I didn't.

No, I will not I will not.

This relationship I have going with Mr. Muscles...I'm doing it right. For once, I'm going to do the right thing, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to make sure he has nothing to worry about, I'm going to keep it that way. Not for him, necessarily. I want to make sure that I can be an honest person. For me. I want to be a better person. It hasn't been easy lately.

Oh boy, where do I start?

I'm learning more and more about Mr. Muscles every day we're together, and I like it. I like him. He has soft blue eyes and he can be really cocky sometimes, but when we're laying on the couch together and I roll on my side and look into his blue eyes there's so much vulnerability it almost hurts me.

I've slept over at his place several times now, (don't go there just yet you dirty minded fuckers!) and right when I think I've finally found a guy that doesn't snore....his dog does. Heaven help me. One specific night I was sleeping in my black tank top and his gym shorts, he was sleeping next to me with his shirt off and his black shorts on, and I woke up when he rolled over to face me, almost violently. Then to my surprise his body started to shake, and I saw there were tears in his eyes.

"Baby? Baby, what's wrong?"

He wouldn't answer, he just clutched at me and I wrapped my arms around him, and kissed his forehead.

"Come here, hun. It's okay. It's okay."

I pulled him closer to me and let him rest his head in the crook of my shoulder. The sobs didn't last very long, two minutes at the most. When he stopped he said,

"I had a nightmare. It was so real."

"What was it about babe?"

"It was....I had a dream that you left me to go back to Fish."

"You know I would never do that to you."

And when I said that, I meant it.

I want to do a relationship right.

I want to know what it's like to put my all into something.

We went out to the garage to have a cigarette and he laughed over it.

"I can't believe I woke up crying. Damn, that's crazy."

I just nodded and looked at the ground. I almost wanted to shake him and yell at him, make him break down, make him have the emotional break down that I know is building up in that muscled body of his. Then scoop up the tears he cried and put them in my pocket, kiss his lips and tell him I'll always be here.