The Good and The Bad

MY FUCKING SHIRT?
THE GOOD.

So I guess Africa, my best girl friend, doesn't really hate me that much. She HATES Mr. M but, that's to be understandable. She hasn't liked a lot of the guys I've dated except for maybe Fish and Metal Head. (The ex that left me for a slut) The rest of them, she basically hated. She doesn't really have room to talk though, I can't think of one single boyfriend she had that I totally got along with. We both tend to date ass holes.

Africa texted me and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just writin like a fool, like I usually am, and she asked me if I wanted to go for a drive with her and her puppy. I said sure, I missed her and I was nervous for the awkwardness, but it wasn't that bad.
We both didn't mention the fact that I lied to her about why Fish and I broke up, didn't mention the fact that I'd cheated on him countless times, or anything like that. I wanted to somehow apologize, let her know that I'm not always going to be a bitch. I told her that I've been trying really hard to tell the truth, to be an honest person from now on. Her response?

"Oh hell, I lie every fucking day!"

So much for trying to make things right. Oh well. We got lost in a neighborhood full of rich ass houses, found the top of the world, and drank a couple beers. Then we went to Wal-Mart, used the bathroom and wandered around for awhile. I missed her.

I got home and texted back Mr. M, my controlling but adorable boyfriend and sat down to watch a super nerdy movie. It wasn't as good as I was hoping, but it was okay. Next thing I know, I was compelled to text Jacob.
So I did.

He asked me to call him, which was what I was hoping he would ask and I told him I would in a little bit. I had a feeling that he was back with his ex like he said he was planning on doing. It's not that I hate that he's dating someone else. That's not it at all. It's just that....I DON'T LIKE HIS GIRLFRIEND! I don't know why! I can't figure it out! She's not a skeezy skanky ho, she's not ugly, she's not a mean person, and Jacob obviously likes her. So what's the matter with me? I'm not exactly sure. I tried to tell him to go date Bob, but he wouldn't listen to me. MEN.

I probably shouldn't have talked to him on the phone last night. It's a total betrayal of trust for Mr. M and he already has trust issues out the wazoo. I couldn't help myself. I feel like I'm addicted to this guy, my best friend. We did just fine until I mentioned somewhere in that conversation my vagina and he totalllly fell silent. HAHA! It was funny but way messed up. I shouldn't tease like that, especially since we both have significant others. I don't think the conversation got too bad though, I told him what panties I was wearing and that was about it. Oh wait, he told me he could roll his r's. OUTSIDE of his mouth. RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That's almost as good as me knowing how to flex my vagina!

I just love Jacob.

The Confession Part

There's one thing...well actually there's a couple things a man should never say to his girlfriend.
Here are a few examples:
"Are you wearing that tonight?"
-No. Now I'm not. Now I feel like an ugly fuck after changing 3 different times, trying to impress you.
"Look at your love handles! I like em!" [[click itt!]]
-No! Holy fuck! Don't point out basically my only insecurity. My stomach, the extra fat right above my bony hips. DO NOT point out my flaws. I'm capable of finding them myself, thanks.

I used to not care what anyone thought about the way I dressed. All of a sudden I'm changing my clothes two or three times a day. I actually use the scale now. I never weighed myself; I never really cared until now. I pull out the scale and stare at the numbers. I don't know what to think. The numbers are 'normal' for my height, but then why do I feel so ugly, so chubby?
I'm not supposed to feel like this.

I used to take pride in the fact that I used to like myself. I thought I was pretty. I thought the way I dressed was awesome, and my little belly didn't bother me.

God, this is so hard to write about.
I remember feeling beautiful.
I miss it.

Here comes the confession part:
I am not smart when it comes to eating habits. Sometimes I will go one or two days without eating at all. I think to myself, 'Hell, I can go a couple days without eating. I sure could use it anyways.' And then I'll binge like nobody's business and eat like a fucking cow.
I either pig out or starve myself.

I'm not liking this at all.

Ugly On The Outside

[[I cut my hairs!]]

If I had enough fucking self control, I'm pretty sure I could talk myself into having an eating disorder. Every single day, I'm reminded of how imperfect I am, of how I always need improvement.
Sure, there are things I like about myself. My hair is pretty awesome most of the time, my legs are tiny which I like, my face is cute and my teeth are straight.
I have a fabulous ass and my boobs are close to perfect.
But my stomach? FUUUUCK.
Just the other day Mr. M told me that I had love handles and that he liked them.
NO!
You don't tell a girl that!
You pretend that they aren't fucking there!
Because now every time I look in the mirror, I see my stupid fat, my stupid stomach, my stupid self.
And it makes me want to throw up.

Honestly

It was hard, telling Jacob that I would not be talking to him. :( Really hard.

He still means...more to me than anyone ever has. He understands me more than anyone else has and probably ever will. I wish he wasn't so far away. I was tempted today to send him a text, to tell him how I felt, how I miss him, but I didn't.

No, I will not I will not.

This relationship I have going with Mr. Muscles...I'm doing it right. For once, I'm going to do the right thing, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to make sure he has nothing to worry about, I'm going to keep it that way. Not for him, necessarily. I want to make sure that I can be an honest person. For me. I want to be a better person. It hasn't been easy lately.

Oh boy, where do I start?

I'm learning more and more about Mr. Muscles every day we're together, and I like it. I like him. He has soft blue eyes and he can be really cocky sometimes, but when we're laying on the couch together and I roll on my side and look into his blue eyes there's so much vulnerability it almost hurts me.

I've slept over at his place several times now, (don't go there just yet you dirty minded fuckers!) and right when I think I've finally found a guy that doesn't snore....his dog does. Heaven help me. One specific night I was sleeping in my black tank top and his gym shorts, he was sleeping next to me with his shirt off and his black shorts on, and I woke up when he rolled over to face me, almost violently. Then to my surprise his body started to shake, and I saw there were tears in his eyes.

"Baby? Baby, what's wrong?"

He wouldn't answer, he just clutched at me and I wrapped my arms around him, and kissed his forehead.

"Come here, hun. It's okay. It's okay."

I pulled him closer to me and let him rest his head in the crook of my shoulder. The sobs didn't last very long, two minutes at the most. When he stopped he said,

"I had a nightmare. It was so real."

"What was it about babe?"

"It was....I had a dream that you left me to go back to Fish."

"You know I would never do that to you."

And when I said that, I meant it.

I want to do a relationship right.

I want to know what it's like to put my all into something.

We went out to the garage to have a cigarette and he laughed over it.

"I can't believe I woke up crying. Damn, that's crazy."

I just nodded and looked at the ground. I almost wanted to shake him and yell at him, make him break down, make him have the emotional break down that I know is building up in that muscled body of his. Then scoop up the tears he cried and put them in my pocket, kiss his lips and tell him I'll always be here.