If Karma is real, I'm getting my mother fuckin ass kicked.

Yesterday I held my boyfriend's hand while I told him about all the reasons I loved him. "Your smile, and your blue eyes, your voice when you say 'I love you', how smart you are, how you hold my hand, when you kiss me on the cheek, how nerdy you are. I just love everything about you."
And now I'm wondering if that's true.
Do I love my boyfriend? I think so. But if I really loved him I guess I wouldn't have cheated on him. I definitely don't love everything about him. I hate how quick he is to anger. It sometimes scares me. I don't like how I don't know when he's teasing or not when he makes fun of me. He'll say things like, "Yeah I don't love you at all!" And sometimes I guess I take him a little too seriously and he tells me he's only kidding. I know he is, I know he loves me with everything in his heart. But when he says stuff like that I guess it takes me off guard.
Not that I have an excuse. Because guess what! I talked to Jacob again. Fish would be furious. I know for a fact that Fish would want to kick his ass.
I called Jacob.
"Hell-oh?" he answered.
"Hey! Whatcha doin?!"
"Oh hi baby. I'm just gettin dressed. I've been laying in bed all morning."
I teased him. "Ooooh were you naked?!"
"Haha no, I just wasn't dressed properly."
"Ah man. Well I've missed you."
"I've missed you too baby."
..........
And now I'm crying while I write this.
I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend.
But I'm not a good girlfriend. OBVIOUSLY. I don't think I ever could be.
He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. While we were falling asleep last night he lay next to me and whispered, "I want to spend the rest of my life in love with you."
A pang of guilt split my heart in half.
I'm better off all alone, I think.
I don't think Fish would let me leave though.

Wedding Reception

I'm a pretty easy going girl. I'm easy to get a long with and I get along pretty well with most people. But man oh man,

my older sister makes me wanna choke a young child. She makes me so frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I love my older sister, she's family. She just makes me wanna choke a young child that's all.

She scrunched her nose up when she let out a high pitched laugh and gossiped with her friend in the kitchen. While I was trying to take a nap.

I still have a hard time figuring it out. Do I dislike her because she has perfect teeth? Is it because she's so confidant and sure of herself? Or maybe it's because she's self-righteous and thinks she knows best.

She smiled her perfect smile when she caught the bouquet. I didn't mind. I didn't really want it anyways. My aunt asks me where I'm working. I tell her I'm not and I feel her disapproving stare burn my eyes and my conscience. My sister chattered on about the returned missionary she was dating. It was what everyone wanted to hear. But not me. I didn't want to hear their murmurs of happiness and approval. Listen to how she has accomplished so much more than me and does so much better, therefore she IS better. That's why I don't fucking like her. She's better.

It was my cousin's wedding reception.
Weddings either make me want to get hitched or jump into a lake of fire.
My cousin and his new wife looked so happy. It almost made me puke.
I've had four guys recently tell me they want to marry me.
As you can all see, I am not exactly good wife material. If I'm the worst girlfriend ever, then I'm obviously not going to be a good wife! I should really just stay away from guys.

Bad Girlfriend

I call dibs on the title 'Worst Girlfriend Ever'.
I cheated on my boyfriend last week. Again. (Like I said, this is not a pretty blog.)
The first time I cheated on him I promised him I would never talk to the other guy again. His name was...let's see let's pick a name for him....Jacob? Does that work? Sure it does. Anyways. I promised Fish that I would never talk to him again. I couldn't stay away.
Before you point a finger at me and tell me how horrible I am,
think about all the shitty stuff you've done.
Cast the first stone, bitches.
I called Jacob on the phone. My best friend. We talk about everything every time we talk. Movies, people, relationships, sports, star wars, personal stories....and he always makes me laugh every single time. Pretty soon we were getting into really personal topics. He said something dirty that made my breath get caught in my throat. He heard it. His dirty words traveled to the earpiece in my phone and drummed around in my brain, making my blood pump. He could tell. As his voice got more excited, my breathing became harder. "That's it, baby. That's it. I love you so much." And when my breathing slowed we stayed on the phone and talked more. We talked about what it would be like if we were together instead of being far apart. His voice and his heart told me he was in love with me and I almost cried while I smiled.
I shouldn't be like this.

I have a sense of right and wrong. I really do.
I read the bible often. Trying to read it every day now.
I ask Jesus for forgiveness, although I don't feel that I deserve it.
Fish doesn't know.

And I spent all day with him today, hanging out. He reminded me how much he loves me. How much he wants to marry me someday. And the ache in my heart told me that it would never be. Because I am not a good person.

First Blog

If you want to read a blog that has pretty poems and nice recipes or cute stories, this is not the blog for you.

I got tired of hiding.
This blog is going to be full of ugly confessions.
I am a selfish, greedy, confused nineteen year old girl.
I needed a place to write. A place to be my complete self.

I wanted to name myself after a my favorite candy. But I guess AirHeads wouldn't be very flattering to myself. So then I thought 'Twix'. But that just sounds stupid. So does 'Luckie'. I realized that already. I know I picked a stupid fake name for myself, but I'm sticking with it anyways.

I'm in a relationship. We'll pretend his name is...hmmm....Fish. I like fish. Haha.
I was spending the night at his house last night. I lay there next to him, listening to his heavy breathing. I wasn't sleeping. I was crying. He'd told me to wake him up if I couldn't sleep. No way was I going to wake him up saying, "Fish, I'm sorry but I've been hiding things from you and keeping secrets. That's why I'm crying and that's why I can't sleep at nights."
If I tell him, I'll hurt him.
If I don't tell him, I'll hurt him.
I am selfish.
I am scared.