Becki Bible: December 2011

Dec. 7, 2011

I tend to screw everything up. I know a lot of people think that. There are a lot of dysfunctional people in this world. But when it comes to dysfunctional, (in some ways) I seem to take the cake. I dont' want this to sound like a pity party, but maybe it is. I hate that I have to privacy and on top of that, I keep trying to make all my friends happy. I feel stretched and worn. My intimacy problems bother me. It's really hard for me to get close to people emotionally. Physically seems to be out of the question. Whenever I'm reminded of the hurt that was done to me, the crack in my heart starts to bleed all over again. I can't fix myself.

Dec. 9, 2011

Sometimes I'm jealous of drug addicts. They do drugs to feel normal. Doesn't work for me. Granted, I haven't tried a lot of drugs. But I know that no matter what, I'll always crave to be normal. If I ever do become normal, I'll hate it. I'm not sure when I stopped being normal. Maybe I never was.

Dec. 10, 2011

"He sounds like a guy from Harry Potter. But then I guess all British people do." -Sherry

"I'm having trahbles and derficulties." -Sherry

Sherry: These choos are uncomfortable.

Me: Choos? Your choos are uncomfortable?

Sherry: Only the choo choos.

A hallucination while I'm drunk? And Gary talking me down? Fuck. I must be really fucked up. I don't know what to do. I don't normally have hallucinations. Especially seeing people. Seeing Sherry? In front of me? When I feel like this? When it's hours after she left? SHE LEFT. Hours ago. She wasn't standing over me and neither was Robert.

Dec. 12, 2011

"Piss isn't a bad word. It's just moderately offensive." -Diddy

"How do you keep going on in life if you don't let go of the past? But how do you let go of something that made you?"

I want to take a carriage ride downtown. With hot cocoa in the thermos. While we hold hands.

Dec. 18, 2011

I'm having a day where I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I was someone else. Just for today. I beat myself up too much for things, and I don't feel proud of who I am. I feel like if someone just looks at me, they know immediately I'm a horrible person. This guilt I keep carrying around keeps getting heavier and heavier.

Dec. 25, 2011

I don't know why I miss Adrianna so much on Christmas day. Maybe it's because we used to have 'holidays with adrianna'. We'd drink whiskey and beer together every holiday. I don't think she realizes how much she still means to me. I get angry, I get confused, and I don't know why she won't talk to me. She's still one of the most important people in my life. She used to clean everything with windex. And her Greek family was loud and obnoxious and I loved spending time with her family. When I first met Adrianna, she wore her whole heart on her sleeve. She trusted too easily and she loved with all her heart. She was optimistic and positive. Everyone teased her, calling her a hippie because she loves the Beatles and peace signs. But after awhile, she got hurt too many times. Her trusting heart was broken over and over. And she wasn't as optimistic as she used to be. Parts of her even became bitter. And if I could give her anything this Christmas it would be her optimism back. And probably a bottle of wine. I miss her so much that it hurts sometimes. It feels like a bad break up. And I worry about her a lot. I've had a good Christmas this year,  but it would have been better if Adrianna was still my friend.

Dec. 29, 2011
The reason why I don't like having sex isn't because I have trust issues. It's a morality issue. I feel guilty every single time I have sex. Sure, sometimes I have trust issues. Being scared of being used for sex and they'll leave me once I give it to them. But sometimes it has nothing to do with trust. Even if I trust that person completely, I still feel guilty. I now know that I don't want to sleep with someone until I'm married. There's nothing morally wrong with sleeping with your fucking spouse. I just don't know if Jonathan will be okay with that.