It's getting fucking awkward as hell having Jerry flirting with me again. It makes it even worse because whenever my family brings him up, it's usually about how my parents wish I had married him. It makes it weird because I can always talk to Jerry about spiritual stuff. I mean we're both pretty big on Jesus and born again Christian stuff.
And then Jerry busts out this flirtatious stuff, the whole mentioning me naked kind of freaked me out. I love Jerry to death and I love being friends with him, but that is seriously all I want from his is friendship. Usually I'm all for flirting, but Jerry and I ended our relationship in a pretty ugly way, so that relationship needs to stay in the past where it belongs.
Jerry told me that God told him that the reason I have nightmares is because God gives me prophetic dreams, so that's where the enemy attacks. Okay, sure that makes sense. If you're NOT talking about me. Because I'm sorry, but I am the last person that God would give that kind of gift to. What the hell am I gonna do with a prophetic dream, I mean really. It's way over my head, and i don't have enough faith for it. No matter how much I wanna be like a super Christian and love the bible and all that stuff, I feel like I'm faking it every time.
Then when Jerry tells me about this 'gift' that God gave me and then turns around and flirts with me, it makes me question his own spirituality and I have no idea if he even knows what he's talking about or if maybe he's just making guess or I don't know.
I wish I could talk to Jonathan about this kind of stuff, but every time I try it gets a little...awkward I guess. Not in a totally bad way. But like....I dunno I feel crazy or stupid when I bring it up. Like we can't talk about super spiritual stuff. Maybe because I'm a little more spiritual than him or...damn I don't know. It's something that's important to me though.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Becki Bible: December 2011
Dec. 7, 2011
I tend to screw everything up. I know a lot of people think that. There are a lot of dysfunctional people in this world. But when it comes to dysfunctional, (in some ways) I seem to take the cake. I dont' want this to sound like a pity party, but maybe it is. I hate that I have to privacy and on top of that, I keep trying to make all my friends happy. I feel stretched and worn. My intimacy problems bother me. It's really hard for me to get close to people emotionally. Physically seems to be out of the question. Whenever I'm reminded of the hurt that was done to me, the crack in my heart starts to bleed all over again. I can't fix myself.
Dec. 9, 2011
Sometimes I'm jealous of drug addicts. They do drugs to feel normal. Doesn't work for me. Granted, I haven't tried a lot of drugs. But I know that no matter what, I'll always crave to be normal. If I ever do become normal, I'll hate it. I'm not sure when I stopped being normal. Maybe I never was.
Dec. 10, 2011
"He sounds like a guy from Harry Potter. But then I guess all British people do." -Sherry
"I'm having trahbles and derficulties." -Sherry
Sherry: These choos are uncomfortable.
Me: Choos? Your choos are uncomfortable?
Sherry: Only the choo choos.
A hallucination while I'm drunk? And Gary talking me down? Fuck. I must be really fucked up. I don't know what to do. I don't normally have hallucinations. Especially seeing people. Seeing Sherry? In front of me? When I feel like this? When it's hours after she left? SHE LEFT. Hours ago. She wasn't standing over me and neither was Robert.
Dec. 12, 2011
"Piss isn't a bad word. It's just moderately offensive." -Diddy
"How do you keep going on in life if you don't let go of the past? But how do you let go of something that made you?"
I want to take a carriage ride downtown. With hot cocoa in the thermos. While we hold hands.
Dec. 18, 2011
I'm having a day where I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I was someone else. Just for today. I beat myself up too much for things, and I don't feel proud of who I am. I feel like if someone just looks at me, they know immediately I'm a horrible person. This guilt I keep carrying around keeps getting heavier and heavier.
Dec. 25, 2011
I don't know why I miss Adrianna so much on Christmas day. Maybe it's because we used to have 'holidays with adrianna'. We'd drink whiskey and beer together every holiday. I don't think she realizes how much she still means to me. I get angry, I get confused, and I don't know why she won't talk to me. She's still one of the most important people in my life. She used to clean everything with windex. And her Greek family was loud and obnoxious and I loved spending time with her family. When I first met Adrianna, she wore her whole heart on her sleeve. She trusted too easily and she loved with all her heart. She was optimistic and positive. Everyone teased her, calling her a hippie because she loves the Beatles and peace signs. But after awhile, she got hurt too many times. Her trusting heart was broken over and over. And she wasn't as optimistic as she used to be. Parts of her even became bitter. And if I could give her anything this Christmas it would be her optimism back. And probably a bottle of wine. I miss her so much that it hurts sometimes. It feels like a bad break up. And I worry about her a lot. I've had a good Christmas this year, but it would have been better if Adrianna was still my friend.
Dec. 29, 2011
The reason why I don't like having sex isn't because I have trust issues. It's a morality issue. I feel guilty every single time I have sex. Sure, sometimes I have trust issues. Being scared of being used for sex and they'll leave me once I give it to them. But sometimes it has nothing to do with trust. Even if I trust that person completely, I still feel guilty. I now know that I don't want to sleep with someone until I'm married. There's nothing morally wrong with sleeping with your fucking spouse. I just don't know if Jonathan will be okay with that.
Dec. 29, 2011
The reason why I don't like having sex isn't because I have trust issues. It's a morality issue. I feel guilty every single time I have sex. Sure, sometimes I have trust issues. Being scared of being used for sex and they'll leave me once I give it to them. But sometimes it has nothing to do with trust. Even if I trust that person completely, I still feel guilty. I now know that I don't want to sleep with someone until I'm married. There's nothing morally wrong with sleeping with your fucking spouse. I just don't know if Jonathan will be okay with that.
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