Attachment

We sat in his 4Runner, eating our ice cream, the seats pushed back and looking at the stars through the sun roof. I had cheesecake ice cream and he had rocky road. I smiled and closed my eyes, Depeche Mode was playing through the radio.
When I opened my eyes and looked at the driver's seat, Zack was there staring at me.
"What're you lookin at?"
"You."
"Well what are you thinking about then?"
"You."
"What about me?"
"You're just...really cute." His hazel eyes were searching mine confidantly and I turned my face away. I'm bad at eye contact with the opposite sex. I'm not sure why. I could almost feel that emotional tension, but I pushed it away.
The emotional tension reminded me something and I asked him, "So what are you scared of? How come you're scared to attach yourself to someone?"
"I'm not scared."
"Don't lie to me, Zack."
"Well..." he put his ice cream in the cup holder and leaned back, putting his hands behind his head, "I dunno I guess I got hurt by this one girl so bad that I told myself I wouldn't let it happen again."
"I don't like attaching myself either. Kinda sucks, and it's kinda hard."
"Well it's not hard, really. Just tell yourself you won't get attached. And you don't."
"I meant that it's a hard way to live."
"I guess you're right."
I could feel myself getting attached today though. I don't know why. Out of all days, why today? I've been seeing Zack on the weekends since about the beginning of May, and a few other days too. So what the hell? Out of all those date, why am I starting to get attached today? It starts to mean something when he kisses my hand affectionately while we're driving on the freeway, it starts to mean something when he stands behind me at the store, tickling my back dimples. But why today? I told myself to snap out of it. That attachment is impossible, messy, and a bad idea. Just because Jonathan isn't here to do these things for me, doesn't mean I get attached to some other guy. That's not how it works.
I like spending time with Zack. He's a great guy, he's awesome, he's sweet, and he's not looking for an emotional attachment. Isn't that perfect? So why do I feel like this could end badly?

Nothing

Today I looked in the mirror and wished I wasn't living anymore.

I'm so depressed. I feel heavy. I can't move anymore.
I can't do anything anymore.

I can only fake a smile for so long.

Why am I alive? I have nothing going for me.
My family barely notices me.
My friends don't know me.
And my own boyfriend is so far away that it kills me.

I don't want to be alive anymore.
Not that I would off myself, I'm not fucking stupid.
I'm just tired of being waste and feeling like I'm nobody and nothing.
I'm tired of feeling so depressed, so heavy.
I'm tired of being so sad that I'm beyond tears.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm even too tired to get help.

Stuck

They never stop talking. Never stop laughing, never stop moving.
I'm wedged here, I can't move.
And the noise keeps getting louder and louder.
The chaos is squeezing around my throat and suffocating me.
I have no way to escape, I'm stuck in this house, with all it's noise, with the sleeplessness, with not even one fucking room for quiet.

I'm invisible to even my family. The ones that are supposed to be there for me forever, no matter what. I don't know if it's because I shut them out, or if it's because they shut me out. I can sit on the couch and scream for someone to look at me and they won't even notice.
But at the same time, I can't get away. It's a constant itch that won't be soothed.

I just want to be happy, I want to smile effortlessly.

I want Jon's arms around me at night, I want to listen to him breathe right before he drifts off to sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be loved, despite my flaws, right here and now.

He's the only thing that I hold to.
The only thing that keeps me from floating into space.
He's the only thing that I hope for, that I think about, he's the only real thing in my life. And I pray to God that he is for real. That it's everything he says. That I really mean something to him.

Our relationship has evolved so much, I thought I had my emotions under control. I thought that I could only feel so much for him, I told myself that I would keep him at a distance. Just in case. Which was wrong in the first place, but can you blame me? And the more he tells me, the more he lets me in, the more I let him into my heart.

I don't remember when I first told him I loved him. I barely even remember the first time I talked to him. I sure as hell don't remember our first phone call. I feel like I've known him forever, I feel like I've loved him my whole life.

It's stupid when I wonder if he really loves me, but sometimes I do.
And it pisses me off that when I text him he always sends me one-word responses. Always! For Christ's sakes have something to say to your girlfriend! Bah! But for the most part I laugh it off and shake my head. It's kind of cute that my boyfriend sucks at texting.

What really eats at me is that he's the only one that knows everything about me.
And he's so far away. He can't hold me in my worst moments.

Like today.

When I sat in the bathroom and cried for no particular reason at all.

June 4, 2011

My clothes were half off and so were his. We'd been fooling around for about an hour in the back of his 4-Runner. I promised myself I wouldn't let it go this far, but in a moment of heat it all went out the window. At least I kept my head on straight enough that I didn't let him take off my panties. Even so, it didn't keep him from shoving two fingers in my pussy, leaving me moaning and gasping for air.
Right when I came he said, "Woah!" And a look of surprise popped up on his face.
"What?"
"You weren't kidding. You really can flex your vagina." He stroked me from the inside with one finger until I pushed his hand away.
"I told you. And be careful, I'm a little sensitive right now."
"You have a magnificent vagina."
I grabbed his face and kissed him before telling him he was rather magnificent himself. I was secretly excited that he thought my vagina was magnificent. I mean...I always just thought of my vagina as...well just a vagina I guess. Nothing super great about it. Apparently it's not just a vagina. It's magnificent! Ego boost for Becki!
I stared at him adoringly for a second before saying, "I never thought I would do anything sexual while listening to The Fray."
He laughed, "Wow you're awesome. I like that you can make a joke after...well...this."
"Well," I said, "there's no point in being a stupid little girl about everything. Like, 'Eeeew there's semen on my stomach get it offff!!'"
He laughed and kissed my forehead. I hate it when he does that. It's adorable.

After we fixed our clothes, we cuddled on the backseat until we both actually fell asleep until four in the morning when I woke him up and he drove me home.

When I laid down on the couch, I picked up my phone to call Jonathan. I thought I would feel guilty for what I just did, and I did, but not in the way anyone would expect. My emotions were so mixed up. I just wanted to hear his voice. I knew he wouldn't answer, but I left a voicemail anyways.
I was drifting off to sleep with so many questions flying through my mind.
What the fuck did I just do?
I cheated on my boyfriend.
Why don't I feel bad?
Actually, I do feel bad. I feel bad because this is totally leading on Zack.
Right?
Am I leading him on?
Or is he leading me on?
But then he's not really leading me on because I have a boyfriend.
Which is fucked up. He should know by now that I have a boyfriend.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I'm fucked.
I'm a fucked up person.