They love me because I'm different.
I hate me because I'm different.
I hate me because I'm different.
Monday, October 25, 2010
I'm A Fucking Idiot
I was on my break, smoking a cigarette in the parking lot. I didn't even hear Ty walk up.
"Hey, why do you look so glum?"
Me: "What? Oh. No, I'm not sad, I was just deep in thought."
Ty: "About what?"
Me: "Just stuff."
Ty: "Oh come on. Talk to me, girly."
Honestly, I didn't want to tell him about how I feel like a bad person and even worse, a bad Christian.
So I said, "Oh, I just hate my job, that's all."
Ty: "That's not all of it, is it?
Me: "No. It's the tip of the iceberg. The very tip."
Ty: "Well, you can always talk to me about anything. I'll lisetn."
Me: "Okay. I'll keep it in mind."
And I watched him walk away to get back to work.
Good Lord.
I can't get a crush on every guy I meet. That's ridiculous.
"Hey, why do you look so glum?"
Me: "What? Oh. No, I'm not sad, I was just deep in thought."
Ty: "About what?"
Me: "Just stuff."
Ty: "Oh come on. Talk to me, girly."
Honestly, I didn't want to tell him about how I feel like a bad person and even worse, a bad Christian.
So I said, "Oh, I just hate my job, that's all."
Ty: "That's not all of it, is it?
Me: "No. It's the tip of the iceberg. The very tip."
Ty: "Well, you can always talk to me about anything. I'll lisetn."
Me: "Okay. I'll keep it in mind."
And I watched him walk away to get back to work.
Good Lord.
I can't get a crush on every guy I meet. That's ridiculous.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Carey and I
So there's this guy Carey. He's fucking amazing, really.
We have quite the history.
Back when I was dating this asshole Jordan, (when I was 16, so four years ago) I went to a party at my friend's house. It was my best girl friend Drina, my friend Austin, and me. It's Christmas Eve. Austin turns to Drina and I and goes, "You guys wanna go visit my cousin Carey? He's drinking by himself on Christmas Eve! We can't have that!"
No, sir we cannot.
So we drive on over to Carey's apartment. It's small, but nice. There's like seven cats living there and I thought, "Oh my god, he's a cat person. Shit!" But he's really not. He has a dog named Sam and the dog is super adorable. So the four of us are hanging out, drinking, and playing video games. Austin stopped me on my way out of the bathroom and says, "So...I think Carey kind of likes you."
And just so you know, by this point I'm fucking drunk.
So I blush and go, "No way!" and when I start actually paying attention to the way Carey acts around me, all the hints say 'I like you'. I'm excited. Jordan, the guy I'd been dating, had told me yesterday that he didn't want to see me anymore. So to hell with it! I sat down next to Carey and snuggled right up against his arm while he's playing guitar hero.
He asks me if I want to play a song and I tell him I've never played before.
He hands me the guitar and I press all the wrong buttons, squeal, and hand it back to him, "I CAN'T DO IT I DIED AGAIN!" (Of course you all know there's no dying in guitar hero. But you know.)
Drina has to go home and Carey and I take her because Austin is passed out on the couch. When we get back we stand outside in the December cold, smoking a cigarette. He lets me have one of his Clove cigarettes, it's the first time I've ever had one. It crackles each time I take a drag. He looks down at his feet for a second and then says,
"Damn, I wish I could have met you earlier."
"How come?"
"My sort-of girlfriend comes down in four days to come live with me."
"Oh."
FUCK. All the good ones are taken. As usual.
He says, "Well until those four days are up, you can be my girlfriend if you want."
I eagerly agree. He's tall and adorable. He's Austin's cousin and I trust Austin with my life. I'm pretty sure I can trust this guy.
We go back inside and cuddle on the couch, talking about the micellaneous stuff. Where we're from (turns out we knew each other when we were kids), what we want to do with our lives, silly stuff. He turned my head and kissed me right in the middle of it all. I could feel my heart hit my chest and then I went forward for another kiss.
We fell asleep until morning when he woke me up, told me he would take me home and to text him.
That day, on Christmas, I told Jordan to shove it and to go fuck someone else because I was tired of having him use me.
Few days later Carey and I were texting, visiting each other, seeing each other.
Let's fast forward for now to October 11, 2010.
That's today. In case you didn't know.
I know Carey loves me. We've never really been together.
I know I'm making him sad because I'm not with him.
He's so depressed.
I want to make him happy.
But I can't do that without breaking so many hearts.
I don't even know what my heart wants.
We have quite the history.
Back when I was dating this asshole Jordan, (when I was 16, so four years ago) I went to a party at my friend's house. It was my best girl friend Drina, my friend Austin, and me. It's Christmas Eve. Austin turns to Drina and I and goes, "You guys wanna go visit my cousin Carey? He's drinking by himself on Christmas Eve! We can't have that!"
No, sir we cannot.
So we drive on over to Carey's apartment. It's small, but nice. There's like seven cats living there and I thought, "Oh my god, he's a cat person. Shit!" But he's really not. He has a dog named Sam and the dog is super adorable. So the four of us are hanging out, drinking, and playing video games. Austin stopped me on my way out of the bathroom and says, "So...I think Carey kind of likes you."
And just so you know, by this point I'm fucking drunk.
So I blush and go, "No way!" and when I start actually paying attention to the way Carey acts around me, all the hints say 'I like you'. I'm excited. Jordan, the guy I'd been dating, had told me yesterday that he didn't want to see me anymore. So to hell with it! I sat down next to Carey and snuggled right up against his arm while he's playing guitar hero.
He asks me if I want to play a song and I tell him I've never played before.
He hands me the guitar and I press all the wrong buttons, squeal, and hand it back to him, "I CAN'T DO IT I DIED AGAIN!" (Of course you all know there's no dying in guitar hero. But you know.)
Drina has to go home and Carey and I take her because Austin is passed out on the couch. When we get back we stand outside in the December cold, smoking a cigarette. He lets me have one of his Clove cigarettes, it's the first time I've ever had one. It crackles each time I take a drag. He looks down at his feet for a second and then says,
"Damn, I wish I could have met you earlier."
"How come?"
"My sort-of girlfriend comes down in four days to come live with me."
"Oh."
FUCK. All the good ones are taken. As usual.
He says, "Well until those four days are up, you can be my girlfriend if you want."
I eagerly agree. He's tall and adorable. He's Austin's cousin and I trust Austin with my life. I'm pretty sure I can trust this guy.
We go back inside and cuddle on the couch, talking about the micellaneous stuff. Where we're from (turns out we knew each other when we were kids), what we want to do with our lives, silly stuff. He turned my head and kissed me right in the middle of it all. I could feel my heart hit my chest and then I went forward for another kiss.
We fell asleep until morning when he woke me up, told me he would take me home and to text him.
That day, on Christmas, I told Jordan to shove it and to go fuck someone else because I was tired of having him use me.
Few days later Carey and I were texting, visiting each other, seeing each other.
Let's fast forward for now to October 11, 2010.
That's today. In case you didn't know.
I know Carey loves me. We've never really been together.
I know I'm making him sad because I'm not with him.
He's so depressed.
I want to make him happy.
But I can't do that without breaking so many hearts.
I don't even know what my heart wants.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Why try?
Riddle me this.
Why do I even fucking try?
Why do I even fucking try?
Why did I even shave my legs? Forreal?!
Fish was cleaning his room and I start taking off my clothes. This is going to get his attention for sure. I still have my black boy shorts on, and I start kissing his neck from behind.
He goes, "Baaaabe...what are you doin?"
I say, "Nothin." with a wicked grin on my face.
He gives me a quick kiss and says, "Babe, not right now. I really need to finish putting these clothes away."
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm practically naked, throwing myself at him, and he wants to put away his laundry? Fuck!
But I'm not ready to give up yet. I start picking up clothes off the floor, bending over low. Trust me, I know his kinky weakness. But does he notice? No. He's hanging up his clothes. So I dejectedly put my clothes back on and help him. Finally when we're done cleaning he suggests that I come take a shower with him. I'm tempted to just say that I'm not in the mood anymore. That he ruined it. Then he'll be sorry, right?
But I'm still horny. Incredibly, despite my bitter attitude, I'm still fucking horny!
So we go in the really gross bathroom (it's gross cuz men don't know how to clean) and yet again I get naked. He walks past me to turn on the shower. Fuck that. Not this time. I'm going to get his attention. I grab his hand and put it right up against my cunt.
"Feel how wet I am." and I nip at his bottom lip.
BINGO. He's finally interested. We jump in the shower, start making out, everything is going great. I go to my knees and take him in my mouth because I know I'm better at giving head in the shower. Not exactly sure why, but that's just how it is. He doesn't last very long, which is to be expected because I know my skills are hard to handle. (Hey, I can boast a little bit.)
After he finishes, he goes, "Wow, babe. That was amazing. Woo, I'm so tired now." WTFF?!? Do you know what 'I'm tired' is code for?! No sex. That's what it is. I'm so bummed and hurt that when he fingers me in the shower, I fake an orgasm two minutes later just to get it over with. We get out of the shower, turn out the lights, and go to bed.
He lays there next to me snoring.
And I'm close to tears because I've got to be the ugliest girl on the planet to be turned down like that.
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