My head was dizzy and fuzzy from all the alcohol.
We were in the back of his 4Runner, my head resting on his shoulder. I couldn't wait to watch the sunrise with him.
He tipped my head towards his face and kissed me, making my head swim more, even more than before. I kissed him back and when I heard a quick intake of breath I knew I should pull away. I didn't want to fool around, I really didn't. I've been used too many times before and I wasn't about to be used again. I pulled back but his hand on the back of my head hold me still.
"No, we can't-"
But he kissed me again and I gave into the kiss, enjoying it far too much for my own good. He was breathing heavily now and I hesitated, pulling away again.
He grabbed my jaw violently, "Suck my dick."
His voice gave me goosebumps and I squirmed in his arms. "No, I don't think-"
He raised his other hand and slapped me hard across the face, my teeth rattling.
"It wasn't a request. Suck my dick."
I don't know where I got the guts to say no, but I whispered no again. And just like before, his hand stung on my face and I knew that this dizziness wasn't from the beer. I couldn't keep this up, I just didn't want to get hurt again. That's all I ever wanted, was to be safe. That's why I hung around him anyways, because I liked the security. So much for security.
He quickly undid his pants, and I tried to keep from shaking when I took him in my mouth. I did the best I could, I just wanted to get this over with. He reached for my belt buckle but I moved away, saying no yet again. I should have known that it wasn't a word he worked with very well.
He pulled me up by my hair, then put his hand around my throat, slamming me against the seat and squeezing. I could feel the tubes in my throat pinching and my mouth gaped open, begging for air.
"Fuck that," he said, and he yanked my belt open, pulling my pants down my legs. He shoved to fingers inside me and I cried out. It felt good, but I didn't want it to. It was only a few seconds until he pulled them out and shoved a finger in my ass.
I screamed and tried to squirm away from him. That reaction was what he was looking for and he only shoved it deeper inside of me. I bit my lip so hard that I tasted blood.
"You like that, bitch?"
No. God, no. I was terrified that I would be raped. I could see it in his eyes.
"Make me cum, bitch."
He let go of my throat and I gasped for air, moving over him. I knew I could get him to cum in just a few minutes and it would all be over. I went down on him again and he asked me if he could cum in my mouth. I cringed, scared to say no. But I looked up at him and shook my head. He was so close that he didn't seem to care and when he came, it was all over my hand and on my neck. I grabbed the blanket from the back and wiped him and myself off.

We cuddled on the backseat and I tried to take in what just happened. How could that have happened? How could he not know that I wasn't enjoying that at all?
The sun was already up. I missed it. I missed the sunrise.
He was falling asleep and I tried to keep from crying.
I shook him,"Come on, wake up! I gotta get home."
"Just five minutes..." he mumbled.
"No, come on if you don't wake up now you'll never wake up."

He held my hand on the drive home, singing along with the radio like this was a regular occurrence on a Saturday morning. I blinked back the tears and stared out the window, trying not to show how upset I was.

He pulled up to my house and kissed me, "Bye, baybeh. I'll text you."
I walked into my house in a daze, time had slowed down to a sick crawl, and my stomach churned. I grabbed matches from the kitchen and sat outside on the deck, trying to light a cigarette with trembling fingers.
Pulling out my phone, I found Jonathan's number even through the blurry tears. I called, but I knew he wouldn't answer.
I called Adrianna.
She didn't answer.
Nobody would answer.
I threw the matches and collapsed against myself, my body shaking and I couldn't stop crying. My hair stuck to my cheeks, wet with tears and I sobbed for what seemed like hours.

I finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I had a text from Jonathan and I told him I loved him. I told him what happened, and when he said, "I will kill that fucking bastard,".....it's hard to explain the emotions that went through me. I've never really had a guy that was so protective over me like that before. But at the same time I just wanted him to hold me and forget about what happened.

Turns out Jonathan was having sex with his ex last night. And it wasn't just any ex, it was Jayde and it scared the shit out of me. I told Jonathan that it didn't matter, that we didn't have to talk about it, but there's that fear in the back of my head. Maybe he's not totally over her, which is okay because hell I'm still not over Eldon and we broke up two and a half years ago. But what if she gets him in her grasp. It's one of those things, he's totally powerless around her and I fucking hate it. I know how it is, but I still hate it. I'm just scared that maybe I'll end up alone again. Maybe he'll go back to her, and I won't have anything left.
I'm just so tired of being used, especially after what just happened with Zack. I'm angry, I'm confused, and I'm scared shitless.

I fucking hate this.
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

Attachment

We sat in his 4Runner, eating our ice cream, the seats pushed back and looking at the stars through the sun roof. I had cheesecake ice cream and he had rocky road. I smiled and closed my eyes, Depeche Mode was playing through the radio.
When I opened my eyes and looked at the driver's seat, Zack was there staring at me.
"What're you lookin at?"
"You."
"Well what are you thinking about then?"
"You."
"What about me?"
"You're just...really cute." His hazel eyes were searching mine confidantly and I turned my face away. I'm bad at eye contact with the opposite sex. I'm not sure why. I could almost feel that emotional tension, but I pushed it away.
The emotional tension reminded me something and I asked him, "So what are you scared of? How come you're scared to attach yourself to someone?"
"I'm not scared."
"Don't lie to me, Zack."
"Well..." he put his ice cream in the cup holder and leaned back, putting his hands behind his head, "I dunno I guess I got hurt by this one girl so bad that I told myself I wouldn't let it happen again."
"I don't like attaching myself either. Kinda sucks, and it's kinda hard."
"Well it's not hard, really. Just tell yourself you won't get attached. And you don't."
"I meant that it's a hard way to live."
"I guess you're right."
I could feel myself getting attached today though. I don't know why. Out of all days, why today? I've been seeing Zack on the weekends since about the beginning of May, and a few other days too. So what the hell? Out of all those date, why am I starting to get attached today? It starts to mean something when he kisses my hand affectionately while we're driving on the freeway, it starts to mean something when he stands behind me at the store, tickling my back dimples. But why today? I told myself to snap out of it. That attachment is impossible, messy, and a bad idea. Just because Jonathan isn't here to do these things for me, doesn't mean I get attached to some other guy. That's not how it works.
I like spending time with Zack. He's a great guy, he's awesome, he's sweet, and he's not looking for an emotional attachment. Isn't that perfect? So why do I feel like this could end badly?

Nothing

Today I looked in the mirror and wished I wasn't living anymore.

I'm so depressed. I feel heavy. I can't move anymore.
I can't do anything anymore.

I can only fake a smile for so long.

Why am I alive? I have nothing going for me.
My family barely notices me.
My friends don't know me.
And my own boyfriend is so far away that it kills me.

I don't want to be alive anymore.
Not that I would off myself, I'm not fucking stupid.
I'm just tired of being waste and feeling like I'm nobody and nothing.
I'm tired of feeling so depressed, so heavy.
I'm tired of being so sad that I'm beyond tears.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm even too tired to get help.

Stuck

They never stop talking. Never stop laughing, never stop moving.
I'm wedged here, I can't move.
And the noise keeps getting louder and louder.
The chaos is squeezing around my throat and suffocating me.
I have no way to escape, I'm stuck in this house, with all it's noise, with the sleeplessness, with not even one fucking room for quiet.

I'm invisible to even my family. The ones that are supposed to be there for me forever, no matter what. I don't know if it's because I shut them out, or if it's because they shut me out. I can sit on the couch and scream for someone to look at me and they won't even notice.
But at the same time, I can't get away. It's a constant itch that won't be soothed.

I just want to be happy, I want to smile effortlessly.

I want Jon's arms around me at night, I want to listen to him breathe right before he drifts off to sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be loved, despite my flaws, right here and now.

He's the only thing that I hold to.
The only thing that keeps me from floating into space.
He's the only thing that I hope for, that I think about, he's the only real thing in my life. And I pray to God that he is for real. That it's everything he says. That I really mean something to him.

Our relationship has evolved so much, I thought I had my emotions under control. I thought that I could only feel so much for him, I told myself that I would keep him at a distance. Just in case. Which was wrong in the first place, but can you blame me? And the more he tells me, the more he lets me in, the more I let him into my heart.

I don't remember when I first told him I loved him. I barely even remember the first time I talked to him. I sure as hell don't remember our first phone call. I feel like I've known him forever, I feel like I've loved him my whole life.

It's stupid when I wonder if he really loves me, but sometimes I do.
And it pisses me off that when I text him he always sends me one-word responses. Always! For Christ's sakes have something to say to your girlfriend! Bah! But for the most part I laugh it off and shake my head. It's kind of cute that my boyfriend sucks at texting.

What really eats at me is that he's the only one that knows everything about me.
And he's so far away. He can't hold me in my worst moments.

Like today.

When I sat in the bathroom and cried for no particular reason at all.

June 4, 2011

My clothes were half off and so were his. We'd been fooling around for about an hour in the back of his 4-Runner. I promised myself I wouldn't let it go this far, but in a moment of heat it all went out the window. At least I kept my head on straight enough that I didn't let him take off my panties. Even so, it didn't keep him from shoving two fingers in my pussy, leaving me moaning and gasping for air.
Right when I came he said, "Woah!" And a look of surprise popped up on his face.
"What?"
"You weren't kidding. You really can flex your vagina." He stroked me from the inside with one finger until I pushed his hand away.
"I told you. And be careful, I'm a little sensitive right now."
"You have a magnificent vagina."
I grabbed his face and kissed him before telling him he was rather magnificent himself. I was secretly excited that he thought my vagina was magnificent. I mean...I always just thought of my vagina as...well just a vagina I guess. Nothing super great about it. Apparently it's not just a vagina. It's magnificent! Ego boost for Becki!
I stared at him adoringly for a second before saying, "I never thought I would do anything sexual while listening to The Fray."
He laughed, "Wow you're awesome. I like that you can make a joke after...well...this."
"Well," I said, "there's no point in being a stupid little girl about everything. Like, 'Eeeew there's semen on my stomach get it offff!!'"
He laughed and kissed my forehead. I hate it when he does that. It's adorable.

After we fixed our clothes, we cuddled on the backseat until we both actually fell asleep until four in the morning when I woke him up and he drove me home.

When I laid down on the couch, I picked up my phone to call Jonathan. I thought I would feel guilty for what I just did, and I did, but not in the way anyone would expect. My emotions were so mixed up. I just wanted to hear his voice. I knew he wouldn't answer, but I left a voicemail anyways.
I was drifting off to sleep with so many questions flying through my mind.
What the fuck did I just do?
I cheated on my boyfriend.
Why don't I feel bad?
Actually, I do feel bad. I feel bad because this is totally leading on Zack.
Right?
Am I leading him on?
Or is he leading me on?
But then he's not really leading me on because I have a boyfriend.
Which is fucked up. He should know by now that I have a boyfriend.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I'm fucked.
I'm a fucked up person.

May 26, 2011

There are certain sentences he says that just drives me completely insane. He got me so wet last night that my pussy was dripping...something that actually doesn't happen that often.
"Come for me, you fucking bitch."
I shoved my finger deep inside myself, gasping at his words before finally letting go, feeling surges of energy run through my muscles. My back curved and bowed until I let one final breath go, and I lay there exhausted.

I listened to his breathing soften, heard his body relaxing in his voice. My favorite is when he mumbles, "I love you," half asleep.

And now I sit here, late at night, watching Dexter. Craving a beer, and oddly enough, Joey's company. He's the only ex I still feel comfortable around. He's not the one I would imagine spending the rest of my life with. He's not my soul mate. He's not the love of my life. But I do love him, and I love spending time with him.

I'm too scared to really say the word 'soulmate' anymore. Seems like a myth, a legend. But if I do have one, I only hope it's Jon. After we get off the phone...everything just feels right. But it kills me not being able to hold his hand. And so I search for affection somewhere else. I didn't bargain on Zach.
I should have just gotten my affection from Eftihi or Robert. At least I know it's not going to ever get emotional with them. Just flirtation and fun.

And I like the attention, the feeling of light-hearted, free fun. Because when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm reminded of how i'm unlike anybody else.

Zach is interested. He's definitely interested. And I'm scared, and I feel guilty, and I feel like a horrible person, and I'm excited, and he's cute, and I miss Jonathan......god fucking damn it.

Zach doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve lies, he doesn't deserve me. I should be running away as fast as possible. But of course, I don't.

Because I'm a mother fucking heart breaker.

Worries

Sometimes after I hang up the phone with Jon, I just start crying. And I tell myself to pull it together, but I just can't. I'm scared that my feelings for him might be deeper than his are for me. And he might not see it because I'm so horrible at expressing how I feel. I say, 'I love you' so many times in our conversation but those words just don't seem to be enough. God, I just get so fucking scared. I get these horrible thoughts in my head that maybe it's all just a lie. Maybe he could be a convincing liar, maybe he doesn't love me as much as he says he does. It's so horrible to say, but it's happened to me before. Men can be so deceiving.
The worst part of it is wondering if I'll ever get the chance to be with him. I hate it, God I hate the fucking distance. Why does this have to be so hard?
What if when I meet him, he's a completely different person? I doubt it, but it could happen. It worries me a little.
Holy shit, I worry a lot.
I finally told Jon that I don't' know what my sexual preference is. I guess it's because I just kind of assumed he understood me enough to already know that about me. But I just kinda said it. It's not really that big of a deal, at least I don't think it is. Not between us, anyways. It is a big deal with me though. Just from the religious, spiritual point of view. I'm pretty conflicted.
I dunno I just...when I get like this, I crave his arms around me. Telling me that everything is okay, that all the little things bothering me don't matter. I just want the chance to stare into his eyes and know what it feels like to have myself so close to him that my heart will pound out of my chest.
He knows me better than anyone else...but there's just one thing. That one thing about me that haunts me. We never talk about it. I'm not sure if he knows about it or not, I might have told him. But I'm just so ashamed. I can't bring it up. Not now anyways.
When I called him, I asked him if he ever worries about us, if we'll work or not. He assured me that of course not, that he doesn't ever worry about that. And then I just felt like an idiot for worrying. I felt like maybe I really do love him more than he loves me. I'm the one that sits there and cries, wishing I could be with him. I'm the one that worries that I'm not good enough, I'm the one that writes constantly about him, thinking constantly about him, missing him constantly.

I hung up the phone and laid down on the couch, pulling my spider-man blanket close around me, and the tears slid sideways, across my nose and onto my pillow. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, tried to shut the tears out, but they kept coming. I just missed him.
I wasn't laying there very long before I heard my phone ring. It was him.
When I answered, my heart ached. I could hear him trying to keep the tears back just like I was.
"I do worry."

I was relieved to know that he misses me just as much as I miss him. That he loves me just as much as I love him. He was trying to be strong for me this whole time, but I don't want him to be. I just want to be able to love him, and I want him to love me. That's all.
He was worried that maybe I'll meet someone and leave him for that person.
I told him that I'll never leave him. Ever. And I meant it. He knows me better than any other person on this earth, he's my everything. I just wish I could be enough for him, I wish I deserved him. I'm not faithful, I flirt with other guys constantly....but in the end I always want him. I always want to come home to him.