June 4, 2011

My clothes were half off and so were his. We'd been fooling around for about an hour in the back of his 4-Runner. I promised myself I wouldn't let it go this far, but in a moment of heat it all went out the window. At least I kept my head on straight enough that I didn't let him take off my panties. Even so, it didn't keep him from shoving two fingers in my pussy, leaving me moaning and gasping for air.
Right when I came he said, "Woah!" And a look of surprise popped up on his face.
"What?"
"You weren't kidding. You really can flex your vagina." He stroked me from the inside with one finger until I pushed his hand away.
"I told you. And be careful, I'm a little sensitive right now."
"You have a magnificent vagina."
I grabbed his face and kissed him before telling him he was rather magnificent himself. I was secretly excited that he thought my vagina was magnificent. I mean...I always just thought of my vagina as...well just a vagina I guess. Nothing super great about it. Apparently it's not just a vagina. It's magnificent! Ego boost for Becki!
I stared at him adoringly for a second before saying, "I never thought I would do anything sexual while listening to The Fray."
He laughed, "Wow you're awesome. I like that you can make a joke after...well...this."
"Well," I said, "there's no point in being a stupid little girl about everything. Like, 'Eeeew there's semen on my stomach get it offff!!'"
He laughed and kissed my forehead. I hate it when he does that. It's adorable.

After we fixed our clothes, we cuddled on the backseat until we both actually fell asleep until four in the morning when I woke him up and he drove me home.

When I laid down on the couch, I picked up my phone to call Jonathan. I thought I would feel guilty for what I just did, and I did, but not in the way anyone would expect. My emotions were so mixed up. I just wanted to hear his voice. I knew he wouldn't answer, but I left a voicemail anyways.
I was drifting off to sleep with so many questions flying through my mind.
What the fuck did I just do?
I cheated on my boyfriend.
Why don't I feel bad?
Actually, I do feel bad. I feel bad because this is totally leading on Zack.
Right?
Am I leading him on?
Or is he leading me on?
But then he's not really leading me on because I have a boyfriend.
Which is fucked up. He should know by now that I have a boyfriend.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I'm fucked.
I'm a fucked up person.

May 26, 2011

There are certain sentences he says that just drives me completely insane. He got me so wet last night that my pussy was dripping...something that actually doesn't happen that often.
"Come for me, you fucking bitch."
I shoved my finger deep inside myself, gasping at his words before finally letting go, feeling surges of energy run through my muscles. My back curved and bowed until I let one final breath go, and I lay there exhausted.

I listened to his breathing soften, heard his body relaxing in his voice. My favorite is when he mumbles, "I love you," half asleep.

And now I sit here, late at night, watching Dexter. Craving a beer, and oddly enough, Joey's company. He's the only ex I still feel comfortable around. He's not the one I would imagine spending the rest of my life with. He's not my soul mate. He's not the love of my life. But I do love him, and I love spending time with him.

I'm too scared to really say the word 'soulmate' anymore. Seems like a myth, a legend. But if I do have one, I only hope it's Jon. After we get off the phone...everything just feels right. But it kills me not being able to hold his hand. And so I search for affection somewhere else. I didn't bargain on Zach.
I should have just gotten my affection from Eftihi or Robert. At least I know it's not going to ever get emotional with them. Just flirtation and fun.

And I like the attention, the feeling of light-hearted, free fun. Because when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm reminded of how i'm unlike anybody else.

Zach is interested. He's definitely interested. And I'm scared, and I feel guilty, and I feel like a horrible person, and I'm excited, and he's cute, and I miss Jonathan......god fucking damn it.

Zach doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve lies, he doesn't deserve me. I should be running away as fast as possible. But of course, I don't.

Because I'm a mother fucking heart breaker.

Frustration

My sexual frustration is getting a little out of hand. I have (and this is 100% true) masturbated for 2 hours straight today. That's a lot of fucking masturbating. AND STILL, I am not satisfied. This can only mean one thing. What's-Her-Face is in need of penis. Poor girl. She knows she can't have it. No way, no how. Doesn't matter, though. She puts me through plenty of torture, and shoves my mind in the gutter.
I'll only be in conversation with a guy for two fucking minutes and I'm already wondering what it would feel like if his hands were on my legs. Then I have to mentally kick myself.
BECKI. You have a boyfriend. An amazing, wonderful boyfriend. And you're thinking these things about some dude you just met?!
So then I feel guilty for five minutes.
When the five minutes are up, I go masturbate, thinking about my boyfriend pinning me down, pulling my hair, biting my lip....
And after masturbating for hours on end, I feel a little better.
Until next time, anyways.

Why try?

Riddle me this.
Why do I even fucking try?

Why did I even shave my legs? Forreal?!
Fish was cleaning his room and I start taking off my clothes. This is going to get his attention for sure. I still have my black boy shorts on, and I start kissing his neck from behind.
He goes, "Baaaabe...what are you doin?"
I say, "Nothin." with a wicked grin on my face.
He gives me a quick kiss and says, "Babe, not right now. I really need to finish putting these clothes away."
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm practically naked, throwing myself at him, and he wants to put away his laundry? Fuck!
But I'm not ready to give up yet. I start picking up clothes off the floor, bending over low. Trust me, I know his kinky weakness. But does he notice? No. He's hanging up his clothes. So I dejectedly put my clothes back on and help him. Finally when we're done cleaning he suggests that I come take a shower with him. I'm tempted to just say that I'm not in the mood anymore. That he ruined it. Then he'll be sorry, right?
But I'm still horny. Incredibly, despite my bitter attitude, I'm still fucking horny!
So we go in the really gross bathroom (it's gross cuz men don't know how to clean) and yet again I get naked. He walks past me to turn on the shower. Fuck that. Not this time. I'm going to get his attention. I grab his hand and put it right up against my cunt.
"Feel how wet I am." and I nip at his bottom lip.
BINGO. He's finally interested. We jump in the shower, start making out, everything is going great. I go to my knees and take him in my mouth because I know I'm better at giving head in the shower. Not exactly sure why, but that's just how it is. He doesn't last very long, which is to be expected because I know my skills are hard to handle. (Hey, I can boast a little bit.)
After he finishes, he goes, "Wow, babe. That was amazing. Woo, I'm so tired now." WTFF?!? Do you know what 'I'm tired' is code for?! No sex. That's what it is. I'm so bummed and hurt that when he fingers me in the shower, I fake an orgasm two minutes later just to get it over with. We get out of the shower, turn out the lights, and go to bed.
He lays there next to me snoring.
And I'm close to tears because I've got to be the ugliest girl on the planet to be turned down like that.

Bad Girlfriend

I call dibs on the title 'Worst Girlfriend Ever'.
I cheated on my boyfriend last week. Again. (Like I said, this is not a pretty blog.)
The first time I cheated on him I promised him I would never talk to the other guy again. His name was...let's see let's pick a name for him....Jacob? Does that work? Sure it does. Anyways. I promised Fish that I would never talk to him again. I couldn't stay away.
Before you point a finger at me and tell me how horrible I am,
think about all the shitty stuff you've done.
Cast the first stone, bitches.
I called Jacob on the phone. My best friend. We talk about everything every time we talk. Movies, people, relationships, sports, star wars, personal stories....and he always makes me laugh every single time. Pretty soon we were getting into really personal topics. He said something dirty that made my breath get caught in my throat. He heard it. His dirty words traveled to the earpiece in my phone and drummed around in my brain, making my blood pump. He could tell. As his voice got more excited, my breathing became harder. "That's it, baby. That's it. I love you so much." And when my breathing slowed we stayed on the phone and talked more. We talked about what it would be like if we were together instead of being far apart. His voice and his heart told me he was in love with me and I almost cried while I smiled.
I shouldn't be like this.

I have a sense of right and wrong. I really do.
I read the bible often. Trying to read it every day now.
I ask Jesus for forgiveness, although I don't feel that I deserve it.
Fish doesn't know.

And I spent all day with him today, hanging out. He reminded me how much he loves me. How much he wants to marry me someday. And the ache in my heart told me that it would never be. Because I am not a good person.