Attachment

We sat in his 4Runner, eating our ice cream, the seats pushed back and looking at the stars through the sun roof. I had cheesecake ice cream and he had rocky road. I smiled and closed my eyes, Depeche Mode was playing through the radio.
When I opened my eyes and looked at the driver's seat, Zack was there staring at me.
"What're you lookin at?"
"You."
"Well what are you thinking about then?"
"You."
"What about me?"
"You're just...really cute." His hazel eyes were searching mine confidantly and I turned my face away. I'm bad at eye contact with the opposite sex. I'm not sure why. I could almost feel that emotional tension, but I pushed it away.
The emotional tension reminded me something and I asked him, "So what are you scared of? How come you're scared to attach yourself to someone?"
"I'm not scared."
"Don't lie to me, Zack."
"Well..." he put his ice cream in the cup holder and leaned back, putting his hands behind his head, "I dunno I guess I got hurt by this one girl so bad that I told myself I wouldn't let it happen again."
"I don't like attaching myself either. Kinda sucks, and it's kinda hard."
"Well it's not hard, really. Just tell yourself you won't get attached. And you don't."
"I meant that it's a hard way to live."
"I guess you're right."
I could feel myself getting attached today though. I don't know why. Out of all days, why today? I've been seeing Zack on the weekends since about the beginning of May, and a few other days too. So what the hell? Out of all those date, why am I starting to get attached today? It starts to mean something when he kisses my hand affectionately while we're driving on the freeway, it starts to mean something when he stands behind me at the store, tickling my back dimples. But why today? I told myself to snap out of it. That attachment is impossible, messy, and a bad idea. Just because Jonathan isn't here to do these things for me, doesn't mean I get attached to some other guy. That's not how it works.
I like spending time with Zack. He's a great guy, he's awesome, he's sweet, and he's not looking for an emotional attachment. Isn't that perfect? So why do I feel like this could end badly?

June 4, 2011

My clothes were half off and so were his. We'd been fooling around for about an hour in the back of his 4-Runner. I promised myself I wouldn't let it go this far, but in a moment of heat it all went out the window. At least I kept my head on straight enough that I didn't let him take off my panties. Even so, it didn't keep him from shoving two fingers in my pussy, leaving me moaning and gasping for air.
Right when I came he said, "Woah!" And a look of surprise popped up on his face.
"What?"
"You weren't kidding. You really can flex your vagina." He stroked me from the inside with one finger until I pushed his hand away.
"I told you. And be careful, I'm a little sensitive right now."
"You have a magnificent vagina."
I grabbed his face and kissed him before telling him he was rather magnificent himself. I was secretly excited that he thought my vagina was magnificent. I mean...I always just thought of my vagina as...well just a vagina I guess. Nothing super great about it. Apparently it's not just a vagina. It's magnificent! Ego boost for Becki!
I stared at him adoringly for a second before saying, "I never thought I would do anything sexual while listening to The Fray."
He laughed, "Wow you're awesome. I like that you can make a joke after...well...this."
"Well," I said, "there's no point in being a stupid little girl about everything. Like, 'Eeeew there's semen on my stomach get it offff!!'"
He laughed and kissed my forehead. I hate it when he does that. It's adorable.

After we fixed our clothes, we cuddled on the backseat until we both actually fell asleep until four in the morning when I woke him up and he drove me home.

When I laid down on the couch, I picked up my phone to call Jonathan. I thought I would feel guilty for what I just did, and I did, but not in the way anyone would expect. My emotions were so mixed up. I just wanted to hear his voice. I knew he wouldn't answer, but I left a voicemail anyways.
I was drifting off to sleep with so many questions flying through my mind.
What the fuck did I just do?
I cheated on my boyfriend.
Why don't I feel bad?
Actually, I do feel bad. I feel bad because this is totally leading on Zack.
Right?
Am I leading him on?
Or is he leading me on?
But then he's not really leading me on because I have a boyfriend.
Which is fucked up. He should know by now that I have a boyfriend.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I'm fucked.
I'm a fucked up person.

May 26, 2011

There are certain sentences he says that just drives me completely insane. He got me so wet last night that my pussy was dripping...something that actually doesn't happen that often.
"Come for me, you fucking bitch."
I shoved my finger deep inside myself, gasping at his words before finally letting go, feeling surges of energy run through my muscles. My back curved and bowed until I let one final breath go, and I lay there exhausted.

I listened to his breathing soften, heard his body relaxing in his voice. My favorite is when he mumbles, "I love you," half asleep.

And now I sit here, late at night, watching Dexter. Craving a beer, and oddly enough, Joey's company. He's the only ex I still feel comfortable around. He's not the one I would imagine spending the rest of my life with. He's not my soul mate. He's not the love of my life. But I do love him, and I love spending time with him.

I'm too scared to really say the word 'soulmate' anymore. Seems like a myth, a legend. But if I do have one, I only hope it's Jon. After we get off the phone...everything just feels right. But it kills me not being able to hold his hand. And so I search for affection somewhere else. I didn't bargain on Zach.
I should have just gotten my affection from Eftihi or Robert. At least I know it's not going to ever get emotional with them. Just flirtation and fun.

And I like the attention, the feeling of light-hearted, free fun. Because when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm reminded of how i'm unlike anybody else.

Zach is interested. He's definitely interested. And I'm scared, and I feel guilty, and I feel like a horrible person, and I'm excited, and he's cute, and I miss Jonathan......god fucking damn it.

Zach doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve lies, he doesn't deserve me. I should be running away as fast as possible. But of course, I don't.

Because I'm a mother fucking heart breaker.