Falling Apart

I find out if my best friend has cancer or not today. Her results for her biopsy are in and she's going to the doctor's.
Everything is falling apart around me. I don't have Jonathan anymore to hold me together. He used to be the glue in my life. I had a mental breakdown this morning. I quit my job. Well, I didn't actually quit. I just decided to never show up ever again. I can't do it. I can't work there. I sat on my boyfriend's bathroom floor, trying not to cry and smoking a cigarette. Trying not to think about how much of a mess my life is. Trying not to think about how much I wish I could pick up the phone and call Jonathan. Because I know even if I did, I wouldn't hear what I want to hear. I wouldn't hear him say that everything is okay, that he's always going to be there for me. I was laying on my bed, trying to take a nap and I had my phone in my hand. When I drifted off to sleep, I had a dream he called me and I answered. We talked just like we used to. When I woke up, it felt so real that I had to check my phone because I wasn't sure if it was really a dream or not.
The worst of it all is not knowing what he's thinking, or if he's okay. What does he think about when he goes to sleep at night? Does he hate me for breaking my promise?
I don't want him to hate me.
Even though I hate myself for cutting him out of my life.
I used to be able to write anything here, and now I feel like I have to watch what I say. He probably doesn't read this anymore, but still.
I lost him and now everything feels wrong and out of place.

Losing a best friend is the worst thing anyone could ever go through.
This is the second time for me.
First it was Adrianna. It still hurts when I think about her.
Now it's Jonathan, and my heart breaks every day. Every minute. I don't know why I lose the people I love. I don't know why I'm such an idiot.
I try so hard to be a good person, to be the kind of person I want to be, but it's never enough. I don't think anyone ever sees how hard I try. I want to be a good friend, I want to be a good girlfriend.
I want to get married, I want to have kids, and I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. I try so fucking hard, and it's never enough. My dreams are always out of reach. I can never be enough, I can never try hard enough.