So I was surfing webmd.com, looking at dental health shit, right? They have these links all over the website like, 'Check out how to get rid of bad breath' or 'Trouble sleeping? Diagnose yourself' and stuff like that. So I clicked on one and ended up surfing all kinds of weird shit. Next thing I knew, I saw a link that pertained to what I like to call 'my problem'. Because I don't like talking about it. Ever. For fucks sakes, I can't even spell it out in my own diary because I'm always upset about it.

So when I'm reading all that shit, it tells me that seeing a doctor would be best because if it goes untreated I could get cervical cancer. AWESOME. I've only been ignoring it for almost three years. Mother fucking fuck fuck. I'm not saying I think I have cancer, but this means I need to go see a doctor. I can't do that.

I can't go see a doctor because my family doesn't have enough money for even a check up right now. Last week, we had NO food in the fridge except for pickles, squash, mayo, and butter. My parents are still trying to make ends meet. Not only that, but how do I tell my mom? "Oh yeah, hey mom? If I don't go to the doctor, I'll get cancer. We should probably go." or "Mom? Yeah. I had sex with an asshole three years ago and he gave me an STD which I still haven't taken care of. Will you help me out?"

And people wonder why I hate sex.

Fuck that. Fuck everything. This isn't fucking fair.

Things That Terrify Me When It Comes To Jonathan And I

• Jonathan won't find me attractive
• That I'll find some way to fuck up the relationship
• Our fights :(
• The fact that he still doesn't know everything about me
• What my friends will think when I move in with him
• The fact that I will probably eat all his food (lol)

Okay so that last one was kind of a joke. But yes, I'm scared that Jonathan won't find me attractive. And it's not that I don't think I'm pretty. I think I'm pretty okay looking. But I'm starting to hate the way I look naked even more than usual. Especially when I took a shower today. I had to try really hard not to cry as the water washed over me. I think the reason why I hate the way I look when I'm naked is because...well I've heard some not-so-nice comments from my ex's about the way I look. I just feel like he'll see me and immediately feel disgusted or something.

And I'm not looking for a way to fuck up our relationship nor do I want to. But he doesn't really know how I get sometimes. Sometimes I get all nostalgic and miss an ex boyfriend. Sometimes I don't feel like talking about anything at all, and sometimes I get so depressed that all I want to do is eat and watch movies. He hasn't seen me have an anxiety attack, and I'm sure he doesn't know why I keep all the old love letters that are stashed away in my dresser.

These are things I think he'll have to learn about me when we're finally together. Because he doesn't know everything. I'm just scared he'll react to them not so well. Like...when I have an anxiety attack he won't know that sometimes I just want a back rub....or not to be touched at all. Why am I so fucking crazy? And what if I have hallucinations? How will he react to those? Or my nightmares? Or my random dark moments where I feel like I'm going completely insane or the dark thoughts in my head won't go away? I mean...fuck.

And our fights. That scares me because I know that he gets all quiet. And I do the same thing. I'll get quiet and then go someplace to cry. I don't wanna be curled up in the bathroom crying after we fight. I don't want to fight but I know that we will. Every couple fights, no matter how perfect they are. He tells me that there's no possible way for me to hurt him...but I don't believe that for a second.

What my friends will think...well that is only a small concern. Sure, I love my friends. A lot. But Jonathan always comes first. And they'll have to accept my decision or choke on a pineapple.

Tattered and Worn

I hate that even after all these years

I admit I miss those small hands.

The freckle on his chin.

I'll even admit to missing

that awful band tee.

I snatch at the details,

closing my eyes to remember.

His tattered belt and his horse laugh.

The smile he gave

just for me.

Time wore on

and Change put her dirty hands in our business

Then there were the bags

under his eyes.

Blood seeped through the paper,

betraying him.

His waist too small,

his bones sharp knives,

cutting us both in two.

My kisses could not heal his starving lips,

My tears fell on festering wounds.

I didn't realize the conclusion would be

that I'm just as tattered and as worn

as his belt was.