May 26, 2011

There are certain sentences he says that just drives me completely insane. He got me so wet last night that my pussy was dripping...something that actually doesn't happen that often.
"Come for me, you fucking bitch."
I shoved my finger deep inside myself, gasping at his words before finally letting go, feeling surges of energy run through my muscles. My back curved and bowed until I let one final breath go, and I lay there exhausted.

I listened to his breathing soften, heard his body relaxing in his voice. My favorite is when he mumbles, "I love you," half asleep.

And now I sit here, late at night, watching Dexter. Craving a beer, and oddly enough, Joey's company. He's the only ex I still feel comfortable around. He's not the one I would imagine spending the rest of my life with. He's not my soul mate. He's not the love of my life. But I do love him, and I love spending time with him.

I'm too scared to really say the word 'soulmate' anymore. Seems like a myth, a legend. But if I do have one, I only hope it's Jon. After we get off the phone...everything just feels right. But it kills me not being able to hold his hand. And so I search for affection somewhere else. I didn't bargain on Zach.
I should have just gotten my affection from Eftihi or Robert. At least I know it's not going to ever get emotional with them. Just flirtation and fun.

And I like the attention, the feeling of light-hearted, free fun. Because when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm reminded of how i'm unlike anybody else.

Zach is interested. He's definitely interested. And I'm scared, and I feel guilty, and I feel like a horrible person, and I'm excited, and he's cute, and I miss Jonathan......god fucking damn it.

Zach doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve lies, he doesn't deserve me. I should be running away as fast as possible. But of course, I don't.

Because I'm a mother fucking heart breaker.

Worries

Sometimes after I hang up the phone with Jon, I just start crying. And I tell myself to pull it together, but I just can't. I'm scared that my feelings for him might be deeper than his are for me. And he might not see it because I'm so horrible at expressing how I feel. I say, 'I love you' so many times in our conversation but those words just don't seem to be enough. God, I just get so fucking scared. I get these horrible thoughts in my head that maybe it's all just a lie. Maybe he could be a convincing liar, maybe he doesn't love me as much as he says he does. It's so horrible to say, but it's happened to me before. Men can be so deceiving.
The worst part of it is wondering if I'll ever get the chance to be with him. I hate it, God I hate the fucking distance. Why does this have to be so hard?
What if when I meet him, he's a completely different person? I doubt it, but it could happen. It worries me a little.
Holy shit, I worry a lot.
I finally told Jon that I don't' know what my sexual preference is. I guess it's because I just kind of assumed he understood me enough to already know that about me. But I just kinda said it. It's not really that big of a deal, at least I don't think it is. Not between us, anyways. It is a big deal with me though. Just from the religious, spiritual point of view. I'm pretty conflicted.
I dunno I just...when I get like this, I crave his arms around me. Telling me that everything is okay, that all the little things bothering me don't matter. I just want the chance to stare into his eyes and know what it feels like to have myself so close to him that my heart will pound out of my chest.
He knows me better than anyone else...but there's just one thing. That one thing about me that haunts me. We never talk about it. I'm not sure if he knows about it or not, I might have told him. But I'm just so ashamed. I can't bring it up. Not now anyways.
When I called him, I asked him if he ever worries about us, if we'll work or not. He assured me that of course not, that he doesn't ever worry about that. And then I just felt like an idiot for worrying. I felt like maybe I really do love him more than he loves me. I'm the one that sits there and cries, wishing I could be with him. I'm the one that worries that I'm not good enough, I'm the one that writes constantly about him, thinking constantly about him, missing him constantly.

I hung up the phone and laid down on the couch, pulling my spider-man blanket close around me, and the tears slid sideways, across my nose and onto my pillow. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, tried to shut the tears out, but they kept coming. I just missed him.
I wasn't laying there very long before I heard my phone ring. It was him.
When I answered, my heart ached. I could hear him trying to keep the tears back just like I was.
"I do worry."

I was relieved to know that he misses me just as much as I miss him. That he loves me just as much as I love him. He was trying to be strong for me this whole time, but I don't want him to be. I just want to be able to love him, and I want him to love me. That's all.
He was worried that maybe I'll meet someone and leave him for that person.
I told him that I'll never leave him. Ever. And I meant it. He knows me better than any other person on this earth, he's my everything. I just wish I could be enough for him, I wish I deserved him. I'm not faithful, I flirt with other guys constantly....but in the end I always want him. I always want to come home to him.