The good ol' Telephone

Jacob and I talked on the phone for hours again last night.
"Will you do me a favor?"
"Anything." (God, is he not amazing or what.)
"Will you say something in Spanish for me?"
I could hear his adorable smile through the phone while he spoke Spanish. God damn it, I love his smile.
"What did you say?"
He goes, "I said, 'I miss you and I wish you were here more than anything. And I love you, sweet heart.'"
Damn it, he's just too good. There's no way he could fake the way he talks to me. Right? I can't explain it. There's just no way Jacob could fake the emotion in his voice. I think he really wants to marry me someday. Why? I don't know. He's fuckin crazy! Marrying me is probably the dumbest thing anyone could do. Seriously.
"I want you so bad, baby."
"Nope. Nuh-uh, Jacob. Not tonight."
"Why not?"
Oh dammit. How do I answer this question? 'Well Jacob, I have trust issues and sometimes I wonder if it's just another trick like all the other times I was fucked over.' No! I'm not gonna say that! It's fucked up. It's not the only reason though. My parents are sleeping downstairs and I'm not a quiet person at all. Even calling him just to talk is difficult. But boy oh boy do I love him.
I guess I should just fall head first in love, trust with all my heart and see what happens.

Listen Listen

This song creates feelings inside myself even I don't understand.

I don't even care if the whole band looks like a bunch of gay guys, I love this song.

Another Fight

Ring. Ring.

Ring. Ring.

Me: "Hello?"

Fish: "Hi babe. What are you doing?"

Me: "Oh I'm just doing some writing on the computer. How's work?"

Fish: "It's alright. Just work. How's facebook?"

Me: "I'm not on facebook."

Fish: "Yes you are."

Me: "Uh...no, I'm really not."

Fish: "Did anyone stupid try to talk to you on facebook?"

Me: "Stop saying stuff like that."

Fish: "Babe, why are you getting all defensive, I was just teasing."

Me: "Okay cool. I'll just talk to you later."

Fish: "What? No, talk to me now."

Me: "No. I don't want to fucking talk. I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER."

click.



What the fuck? Really though? He hates facebook. He thinks that because of facebook I'll cheat on him. It's already happening right under his nose. It's not facebook's fault. It's MY fucking fault. I'm the one being a fucking stupid bitch.

I don't know what to do when Jacob tells me he loves me. Lately I have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "He's just saying that. He doesn't really love you. He probably tells five other girls the same thing."

I just don't know how to feel.
I don't know how to be myself.

This love isn't good unless it's me and you

You are my sweetest downfall.

I loved you first.

Can you believe it? I haven't written in this blog since July. Not a big deal. Nobody reads it anyways. Why would you want to?! I mean forreal.

I'm still up to no good as usual.

I have a job now. It sucks assholes though. I was texting Jacob and Fish while I was at work. I can't believe I'm keeping up this charade.
Fish: "I miss you so much honey! How's work?"
Me: "Work is slow. I miss you more!"

Whereas mine and Jacob's coversation was on the sketchy side. He told me about a dream he had about me and it was....wooow. That's all I have to say about that. Seriously. The dream was that good. And bad. Bad because nobody should dream about me that way when I have a boyfriend. One time I asked Jacob why he still talks to me, why he still loves me when I have a boyfriend. He told me, "It's not about what you have. It's who you are."
I guess it kind of makes sense to me.
But I know that if I was living with him.
Kissing his wonderful face everyday.
I don't want him thinking that since he's the boyfriend, there's another guy.
That's one thing that sucks about cheating. No one trusts you afterwards. For good reason, too.

My ex left me for a fucking slut last year. I was pretty broken up about it. That was then. But I look at them now. They are so fuckin happy! They live in Oregon together now. It's an 'open relationship'. At first I thought, "Duh, it's because she's a whore." But then I realized....it's who she is. She's actually a lot like me. That's what kills me. I'm not slutty, that's not what I'm saying at all. She has friendships with people that she doesn't want to give up. Do you know how many relationships I've given up to be with Fish? It's fucking ridiculous. I miss Jacob. I miss all the other guys, I miss all their smiles, all their smells, all their faces.... Is it just about how they make me feel? No. It's not. I miss THEM. I gave up everything to be with Fish.
I no longer make bracelets.
I no longer sew.
I no longer get to write as often as I want.
I don't see my friends.
I no longer watch movies with just my dog.
My dog doesn't even love me anymore! My dog loves my little sister more than me. I can't believe it.

If I could be with Jacob...what would it change? Would I lose my friends? Would I lose the things I love? I don't do long distance. I've said it a thousand times. Yet...I'm doing long distance and have been for awhile. With Jacob. And nothing has really changed. He knows about Fish, he knows how I feel. That's the best part. HE FUCKING GETS IT. He understands that I'm kind of a messed up person inside and I think sometimes he thinks he's kind of a messed up person too. I don't see him as a messed up person. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He's intelligent. He pretends to be an asshole, I've seen him try. I saw through that whole facade right off the bat, actually. He's a giant softy. *pokes his belly* See? Soft. :)
HAHA.
This entry is kind of all over the place.
Oh wells.


Holy man, I am fucking starving.