Standing up for myself, for once.

I don't know what I was thinking when I sent Jayde that message on facebook. The one that said I'd greatly appreciate it if she stayed away from Jonathan. I guess I just kind of wanted to stand up for something I believed in, for once in my life. And I believe in Jonathan and I. I know that if we both want this to work, it's gonna fucking work.

But I didn't expect those words from her. About how Jonathan never told her anything about a girlfriend, about how he could possibly be two-timing me. I don't know why I would be bothered by what she was saying. She was obviously just being an upset, jealous ex girlfriend. What really bothered me was that there was a little part of me that kind of believed her. Maybe he didn't tell her anything about me because he didn't want her to know about me. Which I would completely understand, I really would. I never told Zack about Jonathan, after all. The hard part to swallow was when she said he was probably lying. If he wasn't comfortable in telling people I'm his girlfriend, I'm actually completely fine with that. I still can't work up the guts to tell Adrianna about him. But what if while she was creating this drama, he didn't even stand up for me? What if he really said, "Oh, she's not my girlfriend." What if they didn't really stop talking, but he just told me they did to make me feel better?

And god damn it, why am I believing this stupid bitch over jonathan, I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I have trust issues, but isn't this getting a little ridiculous. He said he would never lie to me, and he won't. Right?

I just want him to be happy, and I want him to be honest. The worst thing he could ever do is lie to me or keep things from me. So if he wanted to be with Jayde then god damn it he should say it. If he wanted to live in fucking Missouri, then he should say it. I've told him everything there can be known about me. So I'm ripped open raw for him, and I'm so fucking scared I've never been this scared in my life to be hurt. But I would be hurt over and over again, just for him. I've never known anyone who could not only accept me but love me for who I am completely. If he ever did end up hurting me, well alright then. Because I enjoyed every single fucking little second with him. I love him so god damn much.

I'm going to try to put Jayde out of my mind. Jonathan said she's gone, and I'm going to try my best to believe that. He said he'd never lie to me, and I'm going to try my best to believe that.

I suck at being strong

I'm just a big giant emotional wreck today.

All I can think about is Tiffany and Jayde and how they both want Jonathan and he very well could choose either of them over me because let's face it I live clear the fuck in Utah and I'm the girl with tons and tons of problems, why would he ever choose me over either of them?

And I don't have sex, I don't want to have sex ever again, not after everything that has happened with me. I am through, it scares me. It scares the shit out of me. MEN scare the shit out of me.

What if we fail? What if I totally fuck up our relationship? It's bound to happen, I fuck up every relationship I've ever been in. I'll probably screw this up and I'll probably never get to be with someone forever. I'm going to end up alone and I'll have no one to blame but myself.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but right now I don't give a fuck. I can't keep going like this, I can't stand the feeling of lying there trying to sleep, and I feel empty on the inside, I feel lonely on the outside. All I want is Jonathan, and I can't have him.

Jayde gets to have him, Tiffany gets to have him, but I'm stuck in Utah, craving for him and that craving is never satisfied. I don't even know what it feels like to hold his hand.

I can't be strong all the time. Yes, I'm going to get jealous every now and then. Especially when I've been emotional lately. Yeah, I'm gonna get tired of the distance.

But I need to keep hopeful, maybe one day I'll get to fall asleep in his arms.

Jealousy

I'm going to sit here in complete rage towards my boyfriend's ex.
Why can't she back the fuck off my man?
I'm really not the jealous type, I never pegged myself as the jealous type.
But I hate this bitch.
She needs to fall into a volcano.

My head was dizzy and fuzzy from all the alcohol.
We were in the back of his 4Runner, my head resting on his shoulder. I couldn't wait to watch the sunrise with him.
He tipped my head towards his face and kissed me, making my head swim more, even more than before. I kissed him back and when I heard a quick intake of breath I knew I should pull away. I didn't want to fool around, I really didn't. I've been used too many times before and I wasn't about to be used again. I pulled back but his hand on the back of my head hold me still.
"No, we can't-"
But he kissed me again and I gave into the kiss, enjoying it far too much for my own good. He was breathing heavily now and I hesitated, pulling away again.
He grabbed my jaw violently, "Suck my dick."
His voice gave me goosebumps and I squirmed in his arms. "No, I don't think-"
He raised his other hand and slapped me hard across the face, my teeth rattling.
"It wasn't a request. Suck my dick."
I don't know where I got the guts to say no, but I whispered no again. And just like before, his hand stung on my face and I knew that this dizziness wasn't from the beer. I couldn't keep this up, I just didn't want to get hurt again. That's all I ever wanted, was to be safe. That's why I hung around him anyways, because I liked the security. So much for security.
He quickly undid his pants, and I tried to keep from shaking when I took him in my mouth. I did the best I could, I just wanted to get this over with. He reached for my belt buckle but I moved away, saying no yet again. I should have known that it wasn't a word he worked with very well.
He pulled me up by my hair, then put his hand around my throat, slamming me against the seat and squeezing. I could feel the tubes in my throat pinching and my mouth gaped open, begging for air.
"Fuck that," he said, and he yanked my belt open, pulling my pants down my legs. He shoved to fingers inside me and I cried out. It felt good, but I didn't want it to. It was only a few seconds until he pulled them out and shoved a finger in my ass.
I screamed and tried to squirm away from him. That reaction was what he was looking for and he only shoved it deeper inside of me. I bit my lip so hard that I tasted blood.
"You like that, bitch?"
No. God, no. I was terrified that I would be raped. I could see it in his eyes.
"Make me cum, bitch."
He let go of my throat and I gasped for air, moving over him. I knew I could get him to cum in just a few minutes and it would all be over. I went down on him again and he asked me if he could cum in my mouth. I cringed, scared to say no. But I looked up at him and shook my head. He was so close that he didn't seem to care and when he came, it was all over my hand and on my neck. I grabbed the blanket from the back and wiped him and myself off.

We cuddled on the backseat and I tried to take in what just happened. How could that have happened? How could he not know that I wasn't enjoying that at all?
The sun was already up. I missed it. I missed the sunrise.
He was falling asleep and I tried to keep from crying.
I shook him,"Come on, wake up! I gotta get home."
"Just five minutes..." he mumbled.
"No, come on if you don't wake up now you'll never wake up."

He held my hand on the drive home, singing along with the radio like this was a regular occurrence on a Saturday morning. I blinked back the tears and stared out the window, trying not to show how upset I was.

He pulled up to my house and kissed me, "Bye, baybeh. I'll text you."
I walked into my house in a daze, time had slowed down to a sick crawl, and my stomach churned. I grabbed matches from the kitchen and sat outside on the deck, trying to light a cigarette with trembling fingers.
Pulling out my phone, I found Jonathan's number even through the blurry tears. I called, but I knew he wouldn't answer.
I called Adrianna.
She didn't answer.
Nobody would answer.
I threw the matches and collapsed against myself, my body shaking and I couldn't stop crying. My hair stuck to my cheeks, wet with tears and I sobbed for what seemed like hours.

I finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I had a text from Jonathan and I told him I loved him. I told him what happened, and when he said, "I will kill that fucking bastard,".....it's hard to explain the emotions that went through me. I've never really had a guy that was so protective over me like that before. But at the same time I just wanted him to hold me and forget about what happened.

Turns out Jonathan was having sex with his ex last night. And it wasn't just any ex, it was Jayde and it scared the shit out of me. I told Jonathan that it didn't matter, that we didn't have to talk about it, but there's that fear in the back of my head. Maybe he's not totally over her, which is okay because hell I'm still not over Eldon and we broke up two and a half years ago. But what if she gets him in her grasp. It's one of those things, he's totally powerless around her and I fucking hate it. I know how it is, but I still hate it. I'm just scared that maybe I'll end up alone again. Maybe he'll go back to her, and I won't have anything left.
I'm just so tired of being used, especially after what just happened with Zack. I'm angry, I'm confused, and I'm scared shitless.

I fucking hate this.
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

Attachment

We sat in his 4Runner, eating our ice cream, the seats pushed back and looking at the stars through the sun roof. I had cheesecake ice cream and he had rocky road. I smiled and closed my eyes, Depeche Mode was playing through the radio.
When I opened my eyes and looked at the driver's seat, Zack was there staring at me.
"What're you lookin at?"
"You."
"Well what are you thinking about then?"
"You."
"What about me?"
"You're just...really cute." His hazel eyes were searching mine confidantly and I turned my face away. I'm bad at eye contact with the opposite sex. I'm not sure why. I could almost feel that emotional tension, but I pushed it away.
The emotional tension reminded me something and I asked him, "So what are you scared of? How come you're scared to attach yourself to someone?"
"I'm not scared."
"Don't lie to me, Zack."
"Well..." he put his ice cream in the cup holder and leaned back, putting his hands behind his head, "I dunno I guess I got hurt by this one girl so bad that I told myself I wouldn't let it happen again."
"I don't like attaching myself either. Kinda sucks, and it's kinda hard."
"Well it's not hard, really. Just tell yourself you won't get attached. And you don't."
"I meant that it's a hard way to live."
"I guess you're right."
I could feel myself getting attached today though. I don't know why. Out of all days, why today? I've been seeing Zack on the weekends since about the beginning of May, and a few other days too. So what the hell? Out of all those date, why am I starting to get attached today? It starts to mean something when he kisses my hand affectionately while we're driving on the freeway, it starts to mean something when he stands behind me at the store, tickling my back dimples. But why today? I told myself to snap out of it. That attachment is impossible, messy, and a bad idea. Just because Jonathan isn't here to do these things for me, doesn't mean I get attached to some other guy. That's not how it works.
I like spending time with Zack. He's a great guy, he's awesome, he's sweet, and he's not looking for an emotional attachment. Isn't that perfect? So why do I feel like this could end badly?

Nothing

Today I looked in the mirror and wished I wasn't living anymore.

I'm so depressed. I feel heavy. I can't move anymore.
I can't do anything anymore.

I can only fake a smile for so long.

Why am I alive? I have nothing going for me.
My family barely notices me.
My friends don't know me.
And my own boyfriend is so far away that it kills me.

I don't want to be alive anymore.
Not that I would off myself, I'm not fucking stupid.
I'm just tired of being waste and feeling like I'm nobody and nothing.
I'm tired of feeling so depressed, so heavy.
I'm tired of being so sad that I'm beyond tears.
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm even too tired to get help.

Stuck

They never stop talking. Never stop laughing, never stop moving.
I'm wedged here, I can't move.
And the noise keeps getting louder and louder.
The chaos is squeezing around my throat and suffocating me.
I have no way to escape, I'm stuck in this house, with all it's noise, with the sleeplessness, with not even one fucking room for quiet.

I'm invisible to even my family. The ones that are supposed to be there for me forever, no matter what. I don't know if it's because I shut them out, or if it's because they shut me out. I can sit on the couch and scream for someone to look at me and they won't even notice.
But at the same time, I can't get away. It's a constant itch that won't be soothed.

I just want to be happy, I want to smile effortlessly.

I want Jon's arms around me at night, I want to listen to him breathe right before he drifts off to sleep. I want to know what it feels like to be loved, despite my flaws, right here and now.

He's the only thing that I hold to.
The only thing that keeps me from floating into space.
He's the only thing that I hope for, that I think about, he's the only real thing in my life. And I pray to God that he is for real. That it's everything he says. That I really mean something to him.

Our relationship has evolved so much, I thought I had my emotions under control. I thought that I could only feel so much for him, I told myself that I would keep him at a distance. Just in case. Which was wrong in the first place, but can you blame me? And the more he tells me, the more he lets me in, the more I let him into my heart.

I don't remember when I first told him I loved him. I barely even remember the first time I talked to him. I sure as hell don't remember our first phone call. I feel like I've known him forever, I feel like I've loved him my whole life.

It's stupid when I wonder if he really loves me, but sometimes I do.
And it pisses me off that when I text him he always sends me one-word responses. Always! For Christ's sakes have something to say to your girlfriend! Bah! But for the most part I laugh it off and shake my head. It's kind of cute that my boyfriend sucks at texting.

What really eats at me is that he's the only one that knows everything about me.
And he's so far away. He can't hold me in my worst moments.

Like today.

When I sat in the bathroom and cried for no particular reason at all.