My sexual frustration is getting a little out of hand. I have (and this is 100% true) masturbated for 2 hours straight today. That's a lot of fucking masturbating. AND STILL, I am not satisfied. This can only mean one thing. What's-Her-Face is in need of penis. Poor girl. She knows she can't have it. No way, no how. Doesn't matter, though. She puts me through plenty of torture, and shoves my mind in the gutter.
I'll only be in conversation with a guy for two fucking minutes and I'm already wondering what it would feel like if his hands were on my legs. Then I have to mentally kick myself.
BECKI. You have a boyfriend. An amazing, wonderful boyfriend. And you're thinking these things about some dude you just met?!
So then I feel guilty for five minutes.
When the five minutes are up, I go masturbate, thinking about my boyfriend pinning me down, pulling my hair, biting my lip....
And after masturbating for hours on end, I feel a little better.
Until next time, anyways.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Caution: Depression Ahead
Why am I so scared all the time?
I hope this depression passes.
It always comes in a cycle. I'll be depressed for a week or so. But then I'll be completely fine. How do I tell my brain that it's just a phase? I cry in the shower because I know no one can hear me in there.
I'm so in love with him that it is almost ridiculous.
I imagine him holding me, or even just holding my hand.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I want him. I need him. He's everything I ever dreamed of and more.
The distance is like this constant pain in my stupid fucking heart.
I hate this.
I feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like I'm just going to go insane and break his heart, along with mine. I can't allow that to happen.
Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met?
I hope this depression passes.
It always comes in a cycle. I'll be depressed for a week or so. But then I'll be completely fine. How do I tell my brain that it's just a phase? I cry in the shower because I know no one can hear me in there.
I'm so in love with him that it is almost ridiculous.
I imagine him holding me, or even just holding my hand.
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I want him. I need him. He's everything I ever dreamed of and more.
The distance is like this constant pain in my stupid fucking heart.
I hate this.
I feel like I'm going to lose it. I feel like I'm just going to go insane and break his heart, along with mine. I can't allow that to happen.
Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met?
Friday, April 15, 2011
North Dakota (sort of)
Useless day.
I promised myself I would do some job searching. I ended up just fucking around on the computer all day. I know that I do it on purpose, procrastinating. Why would I want a fucking job? So I could be miserable all day just to have money? I don't even know what to do with money once I get it.
I think I overdosed on junk food. I'm eating chex mix right now and it makes me wanna fucking puke. I love chex mix. But I've been eating junk food for a week straight. I need a god damn steak or something. I would eat the fuck out of that steak.
North Dakota was...interesting. The whole trip was interesting. I'd write about the whole thing, but that would take years. So I'll just do the main highlights.
We woke up at 4 in the morning, got dressed, got pretty, and off we were! I was in charge of holding the map and giving directions. I guess I'm the mother fuckin map queen because I am AWESOME at giving directions. We drove all day, giggled, laughed, got bored, giggled and laughed some more. The whole trip there was enjoyable.
We interrupt this broadcast with a Becki freak out moment:
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I should have told Ben to leave me alone when I had the chance because now he's trying to be all spontaneous and all, "Oh hey, pack up your stuff so you can come stay with me for a couple weeks in Nevada!" No. No no no no no. Stop it. Go away. How do I tell him I'm not interested without feeling responsible when he commits suicide? That sounds so horrible. But he seriously tells me all the time that I'm his 'whole life' and how he has no idea what he would do without me, I'm the center of his universe, blah blah blah..... I can't believe I'm in this mess again. I feel like the worst fucking person on this planet. Jacob deserves so much more than me. I'm not a good person. I tell him over and over and over and yet he refuses to listen. He'll tell me that I'm perfect, that I'm everything he ever wanted. But I don't even have the guts to tell Ben that I don't have the same feelings for him? God damn. I'm so fucked up.
[[Wanna know something really stupid? I love it when he spells my name with an 'e' at the end. Like 'Beckie'. Because he's the only one that spells it that way and he says, "I just like to spell it like that."]]
Great. Now my whole North Dakota story is ruined. I can't write about it because all I can think of is Jacob and how much I wish I deserved him. Ugh. Fuck this. I'm so tired of being depressed.
Today my older sister just kept talking about how awesome LDS people are and how they're all going to heaven. Seriously? That's your topic of conversation when i'm trying to eat my fucking burger? Thanks.
My parents got on my case, yet again, for not having a life. They're concerned that my life isn't going anywhere. My mom is freaking out because she thinks I'll never get married. My dad is scared that I'm a whore. (I'm starting to believe him after thinking about all the bull shit stuff I did with guys)
I'm sick of being who I am.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I hate being in this stupid fucking house with my stupid fucking nonsupporting family.
This pain never goes away.
I promised myself I would do some job searching. I ended up just fucking around on the computer all day. I know that I do it on purpose, procrastinating. Why would I want a fucking job? So I could be miserable all day just to have money? I don't even know what to do with money once I get it.
I think I overdosed on junk food. I'm eating chex mix right now and it makes me wanna fucking puke. I love chex mix. But I've been eating junk food for a week straight. I need a god damn steak or something. I would eat the fuck out of that steak.
North Dakota was...interesting. The whole trip was interesting. I'd write about the whole thing, but that would take years. So I'll just do the main highlights.
We woke up at 4 in the morning, got dressed, got pretty, and off we were! I was in charge of holding the map and giving directions. I guess I'm the mother fuckin map queen because I am AWESOME at giving directions. We drove all day, giggled, laughed, got bored, giggled and laughed some more. The whole trip there was enjoyable.
We interrupt this broadcast with a Becki freak out moment:
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I should have told Ben to leave me alone when I had the chance because now he's trying to be all spontaneous and all, "Oh hey, pack up your stuff so you can come stay with me for a couple weeks in Nevada!" No. No no no no no. Stop it. Go away. How do I tell him I'm not interested without feeling responsible when he commits suicide? That sounds so horrible. But he seriously tells me all the time that I'm his 'whole life' and how he has no idea what he would do without me, I'm the center of his universe, blah blah blah..... I can't believe I'm in this mess again. I feel like the worst fucking person on this planet. Jacob deserves so much more than me. I'm not a good person. I tell him over and over and over and yet he refuses to listen. He'll tell me that I'm perfect, that I'm everything he ever wanted. But I don't even have the guts to tell Ben that I don't have the same feelings for him? God damn. I'm so fucked up.
[[Wanna know something really stupid? I love it when he spells my name with an 'e' at the end. Like 'Beckie'. Because he's the only one that spells it that way and he says, "I just like to spell it like that."]]
Great. Now my whole North Dakota story is ruined. I can't write about it because all I can think of is Jacob and how much I wish I deserved him. Ugh. Fuck this. I'm so tired of being depressed.
Today my older sister just kept talking about how awesome LDS people are and how they're all going to heaven. Seriously? That's your topic of conversation when i'm trying to eat my fucking burger? Thanks.
My parents got on my case, yet again, for not having a life. They're concerned that my life isn't going anywhere. My mom is freaking out because she thinks I'll never get married. My dad is scared that I'm a whore. (I'm starting to believe him after thinking about all the bull shit stuff I did with guys)
I'm sick of being who I am.
I'm sick of hating myself.
I hate being in this stupid fucking house with my stupid fucking nonsupporting family.
This pain never goes away.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
fjeiraljiovdfakl
Jacob is finally my boyfriend. And I couldn't ask for anyone better. Which is the problem. I'm like...the biggest heartbreaker in the world. And if I hurt him, I will not be able to forgivem myself. I love him.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
UGH
Mouth open, gaping, searching, hungry.
My nails scrape against the blood splattered pavement.
Your crooked smile and crooked deeds,
match your ugly insides.
You can be the one to rip me open.
You can sink your teeth into my skin down to the core.
Tear out my very being.
But my beating heart will be the one to put the bullet into your skull.
I wrote this within 5 minutes. I'll have to change it up when I get back form alpha.
My nails scrape against the blood splattered pavement.
Your crooked smile and crooked deeds,
match your ugly insides.
You can be the one to rip me open.
You can sink your teeth into my skin down to the core.
Tear out my very being.
But my beating heart will be the one to put the bullet into your skull.
I wrote this within 5 minutes. I'll have to change it up when I get back form alpha.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Text Message
...I want to tell you something. Ask you something really.
Apr. 2, 1:58 AM
From: Jacob
I have this plan to save up, and find a better job. All this is so that I can afford to get my own place by next year.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
This plan also involves me getting my own car.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
I was thinking, that when I get this car, I can make a road trip up there, pick you up, and bring you home with me.
Apr. 2, 2:05 AM
From: Jacob
I'm being serious. I mean it.
Apr. 2, 2:07 AM
I want this, baby. Just say yes to it already.
Apr. 2, 2:11 AM
From: Jacob
UH, YES. :D :D :D
Apr. 2, 1:58 AM
From: Jacob
I have this plan to save up, and find a better job. All this is so that I can afford to get my own place by next year.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
This plan also involves me getting my own car.
Apr. 2, 2:04 AM
From: Jacob
I was thinking, that when I get this car, I can make a road trip up there, pick you up, and bring you home with me.
Apr. 2, 2:05 AM
From: Jacob
I'm being serious. I mean it.
Apr. 2, 2:07 AM
I want this, baby. Just say yes to it already.
Apr. 2, 2:11 AM
From: Jacob
UH, YES. :D :D :D
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Are you for real?
I woke up to a phone call from Nerd.
"Hey, what are you up to?"
I try to clear my throat so it doesn't sound like I'm just waking up at 2:00 pm. "Oh, uh, not much. How about you?"
"Oh I was just running some errands, I was wondering if you wanted to come with."
"Sure, can you gimme like 20 minutes?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then."
So I go flying out of 'couch'. Rip off my jammies and shove my legs through an old pair of jeans, throw on a shirt, and try to do my hair and make-up within 15 minutes. Yikes. You have no idea how difficult that is when you have frizzy fucking curly hair to the maximum. Anyways, we go around running errands. Sending each other flirty glances and kisses on the cheek and such. I met his little brother and he was one of the coolest 14 year olds I know. So all in all, it was getting to be a pretty okay day so far.
After we drop off his little brother, we headed to my house so he could drop me off. But he missed his exit.
"Wanna go for an adventure?"
And Becki is rarin for adventure so I go, "Hell yeah! I know a place we can go to and check out!"
So we drive to the tunnel by the salt air palace. There's a torn up couch and broken beer bottles, just trash everywhere. Spray painted walls and I know most of the artists of these beautifully rejected walls. I hold up my arms and smile, "This is it! The tunnel!"
He looks around for a second but then grabs me around my waist and pulls me in for a kiss. Alright.
So I kiss him back, but my stomach drops when he starts slowly backing me up against the car. I know where this is going. We're in the middle of nowhere and a guy shoves me against the car and starts kissing me.... Ugh. I don't want to have sex with him. I pull away and say, "No, no, we should get going."
But he's not done with me yet. "Oh come on, you want to. I know you do." And he pulls up my shirt and grabs my tits somewhat roughly. I gasp at the rough contact and struggle to pull my shirt back down, but he keeps his hands in place.
"Becki, why not? Can't we just have sex? Or at least a blow job?"
Mother fucker what?
We are on our second date. And you want to have sex. Or a blow job. Sure, things got kind of crazy the first time we hung out, but can you blame me? I was drunk AND high. That's never happened to me before and I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. But that doesn't give you a free coupon into my pants.
"No, I don't have sex. I told you that."
"Ever?"
What, are you fucking deaf? I told you over and over, I don't have sex.
"Not ever."
"Well, it was good meeting you, Becki. Haha. Just kidding." He said he was kidding, but part of me thinks he's serious. He has suddenly lost interest because I won't put out. He reluctantly gets in the driver's seat and I crawl in the passenger seat.
Silence. The whole way back.
He's holding my hand still, but it's different this time. I think he's holding my hand to keep me from knowing that he's bummed or whatever. When we pull up to my house I lean over and give him a kiss and the only thing he says is, "I had fun." And then kisses me goodbye.
Excuse me, but I would appreciate it. If you would take a step back, and fuck your own face.
About five minutes later, Robert calls. Thank God. I could use some laughter right now, I'm a little pissed off. So Eftichios ( pronounced Eff-tee-hee. He's so greek.), Robert, and Trever come pick me up. When I get in the car, I tell Robert about Nerd and how pissed off I am. Eftichios says, "Oh, you're dating that guy? Dude don't date him. He's a fucking ass."
Me: "Thanks, Eftichios wish you could have told me earlier! But it's okay because he broke his phone today. Which means, hopefully, my phone number is lost forever."
Robert: So are you gonna try things again with Derek?
Me: Fuck that noise. He's treated me so shitty.
Robert: What do you mean?
Me: Well he was always flirtin with girls right in front of me, which didn't bother me except for the fact that he got all jealous when I went on one fucking date.
Robert: Did you know why he's in Oregon? To see if he can get down Megan's pants?
Me: ....wut.
Robert: Yeah, but he probably won't score.
Me: I know, he's got a small ass dick that fucking bastard!
Eftichios: Woah woah woah...who's Meghan?
Me: Oh just this stupid fucking perfect bitch. Derek was flirting with her and hitting on her at a party when we were together.
Eftichios: Are you serious?
Me: Yupp. I'm mostly pissed about it because she's so fucking beautiful. I hate that bitch.
Eftichios: She fine?
Robert: Oh man, she's fucking fine as hell!
Me: Are you kidding me? She's a ten. I give her a ten out of ten. Man, I would do so many naughty things to that girl. It sucks though because when she's in the room, all attention turns to her. And she doesn't even do it on purpose, I don't think. The guys all stop and stare like, 'Dayyuumm!' and then I sit there all feeling invisible and shit.
Eftichios: Oh, Becki. You know I'd fuck you.
Me: Thanks, Eftichios! Oh, I have the greatest friends!
Eftichios: No, I'm serious.
Me: Oh. Wow. Well, Eftichios you are a stud. Seriously. You're like a Greek God.
Eftichios: Thanks. :)
So we went and played pool. I was on Eftichio's team and Robert and Trever were on a team. Laughing, having a good time, everything is going awesome.
I get a text from Derek, speak of the devil. He tells me he's sorry for getting upset when I wouldn't have phone sex with him. He said he was just being a douche and it would never happen again. Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Me: How's your road trip?
Derek: Good except for meghan montoya the bitch
Me: What do you mean?
Derek: She's making me sleep on the fucking floor
[[I'm so glad she's not putting out. Take that you fucking ass lump.]]
Me: wow i'm sorry
Derek: Do you miss me and love me?
Me: Aboslutely.
Derek: I miss and love you too.
Me: You know what? no. I'm pissed.
Derek: Why are you pissed?
Me: You can't come crawling back to me when some chick won't put out.
He kept trying and trying to say sorry. But I'm done. I'm fucking done with guys constantly trying to get in my pants and I'm tired of broken promises. So peace out, bro.
"Hey, what are you up to?"
I try to clear my throat so it doesn't sound like I'm just waking up at 2:00 pm. "Oh, uh, not much. How about you?"
"Oh I was just running some errands, I was wondering if you wanted to come with."
"Sure, can you gimme like 20 minutes?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then."
So I go flying out of 'couch'. Rip off my jammies and shove my legs through an old pair of jeans, throw on a shirt, and try to do my hair and make-up within 15 minutes. Yikes. You have no idea how difficult that is when you have frizzy fucking curly hair to the maximum. Anyways, we go around running errands. Sending each other flirty glances and kisses on the cheek and such. I met his little brother and he was one of the coolest 14 year olds I know. So all in all, it was getting to be a pretty okay day so far.
After we drop off his little brother, we headed to my house so he could drop me off. But he missed his exit.
"Wanna go for an adventure?"
And Becki is rarin for adventure so I go, "Hell yeah! I know a place we can go to and check out!"
So we drive to the tunnel by the salt air palace. There's a torn up couch and broken beer bottles, just trash everywhere. Spray painted walls and I know most of the artists of these beautifully rejected walls. I hold up my arms and smile, "This is it! The tunnel!"
He looks around for a second but then grabs me around my waist and pulls me in for a kiss. Alright.
So I kiss him back, but my stomach drops when he starts slowly backing me up against the car. I know where this is going. We're in the middle of nowhere and a guy shoves me against the car and starts kissing me.... Ugh. I don't want to have sex with him. I pull away and say, "No, no, we should get going."
But he's not done with me yet. "Oh come on, you want to. I know you do." And he pulls up my shirt and grabs my tits somewhat roughly. I gasp at the rough contact and struggle to pull my shirt back down, but he keeps his hands in place.
"Becki, why not? Can't we just have sex? Or at least a blow job?"
Mother fucker what?
We are on our second date. And you want to have sex. Or a blow job. Sure, things got kind of crazy the first time we hung out, but can you blame me? I was drunk AND high. That's never happened to me before and I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. But that doesn't give you a free coupon into my pants.
"No, I don't have sex. I told you that."
"Ever?"
What, are you fucking deaf? I told you over and over, I don't have sex.
"Not ever."
"Well, it was good meeting you, Becki. Haha. Just kidding." He said he was kidding, but part of me thinks he's serious. He has suddenly lost interest because I won't put out. He reluctantly gets in the driver's seat and I crawl in the passenger seat.
Silence. The whole way back.
He's holding my hand still, but it's different this time. I think he's holding my hand to keep me from knowing that he's bummed or whatever. When we pull up to my house I lean over and give him a kiss and the only thing he says is, "I had fun." And then kisses me goodbye.
Excuse me, but I would appreciate it. If you would take a step back, and fuck your own face.
About five minutes later, Robert calls. Thank God. I could use some laughter right now, I'm a little pissed off. So Eftichios ( pronounced Eff-tee-hee. He's so greek.), Robert, and Trever come pick me up. When I get in the car, I tell Robert about Nerd and how pissed off I am. Eftichios says, "Oh, you're dating that guy? Dude don't date him. He's a fucking ass."
Me: "Thanks, Eftichios wish you could have told me earlier! But it's okay because he broke his phone today. Which means, hopefully, my phone number is lost forever."
Robert: So are you gonna try things again with Derek?
Me: Fuck that noise. He's treated me so shitty.
Robert: What do you mean?
Me: Well he was always flirtin with girls right in front of me, which didn't bother me except for the fact that he got all jealous when I went on one fucking date.
Robert: Did you know why he's in Oregon? To see if he can get down Megan's pants?
Me: ....wut.
Robert: Yeah, but he probably won't score.
Me: I know, he's got a small ass dick that fucking bastard!
Eftichios: Woah woah woah...who's Meghan?
Me: Oh just this stupid fucking perfect bitch. Derek was flirting with her and hitting on her at a party when we were together.
Eftichios: Are you serious?
Me: Yupp. I'm mostly pissed about it because she's so fucking beautiful. I hate that bitch.
Eftichios: She fine?
Robert: Oh man, she's fucking fine as hell!
Me: Are you kidding me? She's a ten. I give her a ten out of ten. Man, I would do so many naughty things to that girl. It sucks though because when she's in the room, all attention turns to her. And she doesn't even do it on purpose, I don't think. The guys all stop and stare like, 'Dayyuumm!' and then I sit there all feeling invisible and shit.
Eftichios: Oh, Becki. You know I'd fuck you.
Me: Thanks, Eftichios! Oh, I have the greatest friends!
Eftichios: No, I'm serious.
Me: Oh. Wow. Well, Eftichios you are a stud. Seriously. You're like a Greek God.
Eftichios: Thanks. :)
So we went and played pool. I was on Eftichio's team and Robert and Trever were on a team. Laughing, having a good time, everything is going awesome.
I get a text from Derek, speak of the devil. He tells me he's sorry for getting upset when I wouldn't have phone sex with him. He said he was just being a douche and it would never happen again. Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Me: How's your road trip?
Derek: Good except for meghan montoya the bitch
Me: What do you mean?
Derek: She's making me sleep on the fucking floor
[[I'm so glad she's not putting out. Take that you fucking ass lump.]]
Me: wow i'm sorry
Derek: Do you miss me and love me?
Me: Aboslutely.
Derek: I miss and love you too.
Me: You know what? no. I'm pissed.
Derek: Why are you pissed?
Me: You can't come crawling back to me when some chick won't put out.
He kept trying and trying to say sorry. But I'm done. I'm fucking done with guys constantly trying to get in my pants and I'm tired of broken promises. So peace out, bro.
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