Carey and I

So there's this guy Carey. He's fucking amazing, really.

We have quite the history.
Back when I was dating this asshole Jordan, (when I was 16, so four years ago) I went to a party at my friend's house. It was my best girl friend Drina, my friend Austin, and me. It's Christmas Eve. Austin turns to Drina and I and goes, "You guys wanna go visit my cousin Carey? He's drinking by himself on Christmas Eve! We can't have that!"

No, sir we cannot.

So we drive on over to Carey's apartment. It's small, but nice. There's like seven cats living there and I thought, "Oh my god, he's a cat person. Shit!" But he's really not. He has a dog named Sam and the dog is super adorable. So the four of us are hanging out, drinking, and playing video games. Austin stopped me on my way out of the bathroom and says, "So...I think Carey kind of likes you."
And just so you know, by this point I'm fucking drunk.
So I blush and go, "No way!" and when I start actually paying attention to the way Carey acts around me, all the hints say 'I like you'. I'm excited. Jordan, the guy I'd been dating, had told me yesterday that he didn't want to see me anymore. So to hell with it! I sat down next to Carey and snuggled right up against his arm while he's playing guitar hero.
He asks me if I want to play a song and I tell him I've never played before.
He hands me the guitar and I press all the wrong buttons, squeal, and hand it back to him, "I CAN'T DO IT I DIED AGAIN!" (Of course you all know there's no dying in guitar hero. But you know.)
Drina has to go home and Carey and I take her because Austin is passed out on the couch. When we get back we stand outside in the December cold, smoking a cigarette. He lets me have one of his Clove cigarettes, it's the first time I've ever had one. It crackles each time I take a drag. He looks down at his feet for a second and then says,
"Damn, I wish I could have met you earlier."
"How come?"
"My sort-of girlfriend comes down in four days to come live with me."
"Oh."

FUCK. All the good ones are taken. As usual.
He says, "Well until those four days are up, you can be my girlfriend if you want."
I eagerly agree. He's tall and adorable. He's Austin's cousin and I trust Austin with my life. I'm pretty sure I can trust this guy.
We go back inside and cuddle on the couch, talking about the micellaneous stuff. Where we're from (turns out we knew each other when we were kids), what we want to do with our lives, silly stuff. He turned my head and kissed me right in the middle of it all. I could feel my heart hit my chest and then I went forward for another kiss.
We fell asleep until morning when he woke me up, told me he would take me home and to text him.

That day, on Christmas, I told Jordan to shove it and to go fuck someone else because I was tired of having him use me.

Few days later Carey and I were texting, visiting each other, seeing each other.

Let's fast forward for now to October 11, 2010.
That's today. In case you didn't know.
I know Carey loves me. We've never really been together.
I know I'm making him sad because I'm not with him.
He's so depressed.
I want to make him happy.
But I can't do that without breaking so many hearts.
I don't even know what my heart wants.

Why try?

Riddle me this.
Why do I even fucking try?

Why did I even shave my legs? Forreal?!
Fish was cleaning his room and I start taking off my clothes. This is going to get his attention for sure. I still have my black boy shorts on, and I start kissing his neck from behind.
He goes, "Baaaabe...what are you doin?"
I say, "Nothin." with a wicked grin on my face.
He gives me a quick kiss and says, "Babe, not right now. I really need to finish putting these clothes away."
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm practically naked, throwing myself at him, and he wants to put away his laundry? Fuck!
But I'm not ready to give up yet. I start picking up clothes off the floor, bending over low. Trust me, I know his kinky weakness. But does he notice? No. He's hanging up his clothes. So I dejectedly put my clothes back on and help him. Finally when we're done cleaning he suggests that I come take a shower with him. I'm tempted to just say that I'm not in the mood anymore. That he ruined it. Then he'll be sorry, right?
But I'm still horny. Incredibly, despite my bitter attitude, I'm still fucking horny!
So we go in the really gross bathroom (it's gross cuz men don't know how to clean) and yet again I get naked. He walks past me to turn on the shower. Fuck that. Not this time. I'm going to get his attention. I grab his hand and put it right up against my cunt.
"Feel how wet I am." and I nip at his bottom lip.
BINGO. He's finally interested. We jump in the shower, start making out, everything is going great. I go to my knees and take him in my mouth because I know I'm better at giving head in the shower. Not exactly sure why, but that's just how it is. He doesn't last very long, which is to be expected because I know my skills are hard to handle. (Hey, I can boast a little bit.)
After he finishes, he goes, "Wow, babe. That was amazing. Woo, I'm so tired now." WTFF?!? Do you know what 'I'm tired' is code for?! No sex. That's what it is. I'm so bummed and hurt that when he fingers me in the shower, I fake an orgasm two minutes later just to get it over with. We get out of the shower, turn out the lights, and go to bed.
He lays there next to me snoring.
And I'm close to tears because I've got to be the ugliest girl on the planet to be turned down like that.

The good ol' Telephone

Jacob and I talked on the phone for hours again last night.
"Will you do me a favor?"
"Anything." (God, is he not amazing or what.)
"Will you say something in Spanish for me?"
I could hear his adorable smile through the phone while he spoke Spanish. God damn it, I love his smile.
"What did you say?"
He goes, "I said, 'I miss you and I wish you were here more than anything. And I love you, sweet heart.'"
Damn it, he's just too good. There's no way he could fake the way he talks to me. Right? I can't explain it. There's just no way Jacob could fake the emotion in his voice. I think he really wants to marry me someday. Why? I don't know. He's fuckin crazy! Marrying me is probably the dumbest thing anyone could do. Seriously.
"I want you so bad, baby."
"Nope. Nuh-uh, Jacob. Not tonight."
"Why not?"
Oh dammit. How do I answer this question? 'Well Jacob, I have trust issues and sometimes I wonder if it's just another trick like all the other times I was fucked over.' No! I'm not gonna say that! It's fucked up. It's not the only reason though. My parents are sleeping downstairs and I'm not a quiet person at all. Even calling him just to talk is difficult. But boy oh boy do I love him.
I guess I should just fall head first in love, trust with all my heart and see what happens.

Listen Listen

This song creates feelings inside myself even I don't understand.

I don't even care if the whole band looks like a bunch of gay guys, I love this song.

Another Fight

Ring. Ring.

Ring. Ring.

Me: "Hello?"

Fish: "Hi babe. What are you doing?"

Me: "Oh I'm just doing some writing on the computer. How's work?"

Fish: "It's alright. Just work. How's facebook?"

Me: "I'm not on facebook."

Fish: "Yes you are."

Me: "Uh...no, I'm really not."

Fish: "Did anyone stupid try to talk to you on facebook?"

Me: "Stop saying stuff like that."

Fish: "Babe, why are you getting all defensive, I was just teasing."

Me: "Okay cool. I'll just talk to you later."

Fish: "What? No, talk to me now."

Me: "No. I don't want to fucking talk. I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER."

click.



What the fuck? Really though? He hates facebook. He thinks that because of facebook I'll cheat on him. It's already happening right under his nose. It's not facebook's fault. It's MY fucking fault. I'm the one being a fucking stupid bitch.

I don't know what to do when Jacob tells me he loves me. Lately I have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "He's just saying that. He doesn't really love you. He probably tells five other girls the same thing."

I just don't know how to feel.
I don't know how to be myself.

This love isn't good unless it's me and you

You are my sweetest downfall.

I loved you first.

Can you believe it? I haven't written in this blog since July. Not a big deal. Nobody reads it anyways. Why would you want to?! I mean forreal.

I'm still up to no good as usual.

I have a job now. It sucks assholes though. I was texting Jacob and Fish while I was at work. I can't believe I'm keeping up this charade.
Fish: "I miss you so much honey! How's work?"
Me: "Work is slow. I miss you more!"

Whereas mine and Jacob's coversation was on the sketchy side. He told me about a dream he had about me and it was....wooow. That's all I have to say about that. Seriously. The dream was that good. And bad. Bad because nobody should dream about me that way when I have a boyfriend. One time I asked Jacob why he still talks to me, why he still loves me when I have a boyfriend. He told me, "It's not about what you have. It's who you are."
I guess it kind of makes sense to me.
But I know that if I was living with him.
Kissing his wonderful face everyday.
I don't want him thinking that since he's the boyfriend, there's another guy.
That's one thing that sucks about cheating. No one trusts you afterwards. For good reason, too.

My ex left me for a fucking slut last year. I was pretty broken up about it. That was then. But I look at them now. They are so fuckin happy! They live in Oregon together now. It's an 'open relationship'. At first I thought, "Duh, it's because she's a whore." But then I realized....it's who she is. She's actually a lot like me. That's what kills me. I'm not slutty, that's not what I'm saying at all. She has friendships with people that she doesn't want to give up. Do you know how many relationships I've given up to be with Fish? It's fucking ridiculous. I miss Jacob. I miss all the other guys, I miss all their smiles, all their smells, all their faces.... Is it just about how they make me feel? No. It's not. I miss THEM. I gave up everything to be with Fish.
I no longer make bracelets.
I no longer sew.
I no longer get to write as often as I want.
I don't see my friends.
I no longer watch movies with just my dog.
My dog doesn't even love me anymore! My dog loves my little sister more than me. I can't believe it.

If I could be with Jacob...what would it change? Would I lose my friends? Would I lose the things I love? I don't do long distance. I've said it a thousand times. Yet...I'm doing long distance and have been for awhile. With Jacob. And nothing has really changed. He knows about Fish, he knows how I feel. That's the best part. HE FUCKING GETS IT. He understands that I'm kind of a messed up person inside and I think sometimes he thinks he's kind of a messed up person too. I don't see him as a messed up person. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He's intelligent. He pretends to be an asshole, I've seen him try. I saw through that whole facade right off the bat, actually. He's a giant softy. *pokes his belly* See? Soft. :)
HAHA.
This entry is kind of all over the place.
Oh wells.


Holy man, I am fucking starving.

He Tastes Like You

↑↑
That's cute but I wish it were true.

Fish and I are fighting almost every day now. He calls me constantly, it feels like to check up on me. Which I guess is just as well considering he wouldn't like half the stuff I do. I talk to guys. He would get jealous, whether I was flirting or not. Things are just going down the shit hole it seems. Fish leaves to go out of town for almost two weeks and I feel guilty for saying that I'm looking forward to him leaving. Sure I'll miss him, but there are plenty of things I won't miss.
I won't miss him asking me what I've been doing every two hours.
I won't miss his negative teasing nature.
I won't miss the fits he throws when he doesn't get his way.
Blah.
I talked to Jacob last night again.
It seems like I can't help it.
I feel like I need him. He's my best friend, I tell him things I normally wouldn't tell other people. He makes me feel better, he makes me laugh. Except Jacob wants to marry me. Well shit, so does Fish! I'm not ready for commitment. I'm obviously not even ready for a boyfriend, but I have one anyways. He called me and I just about threw the phone in frustration.
"Hello?"
"Luckie?"
"Hi, babe."
"Hi honey. I've missed you. What have you been up to?"
"Not a whole lot. Little of this, a little of that," I wasn't being specific because I knew what the next thing he would say be. It would be something along the lines of me on the computer or something like that. And sure enough-
"Oh, you just been playing on the computer then? Talking to your other boyfriends? Haha!" He was being teasing, but I know he worries about it all the time.
"Yup. That's exactly what I've been doing."
"Haha I'm teasing babe. I just wanted to call and say I love you."
"I love you too."

FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck! Seriously! That's what happens every two hours! I not only hate talking on the phone (except for with Jacob. No idea why.), but every two hours? For real? I'm not going to have anything new to say at all when you call me every two hours! Nothing has happened! Jesus!

I hate the phone.