I feel like I'm not allowed to have fun.
I feel guilty for having a good time last night. I actually had a fucking good time for once. Even when I was surrounded by a bunch of douches, I had fun.
But then, once I got home, I felt guilty. Partly because I don't feel like I deserve it. People who have jobs and have a productive life deserve to have fun. Not a shitty nobody like me. I feel guilty because I was out having fun, and Jonathan probably stayed up waiting for my call. It was different when we first started talking regularly. I could stay out all night and it was no big deal, I'd just tell him all about my day, he'd tell me he missed me. But now, if I stay out too much, he gets upset. I don't know if that's okay or not. Should he be getting upset? I mean, I guess he has a point. I should be getting home at a fucking decent time, getting sleep, doing normal people responsibilities. But i'm not a normal person and I hate responsibilities.
He doesn't like it when I drink either, and I'm not sure what to do about that.
He's probably right.
But he knew what he was getting himself into, right? A broken, totally fucked up girl who likes to go out and drink and forget about her fucked up life. That's me. That's always been me.