I am terrible with my love life and relationships. That's why I usually keep my love life behind closed doors. But that always caused problems for me. Guys hit on me, I get attached, I emotionally run away because I don't know how to tell them about what's really going on with me. I'm used to running away.
Oh, and on top of that, I seem to have guys falling for me left and right. Well, they're either falling for me or they're hoping to jam the beaver. Sometimes I can't tell the difference. I'm so romantically stupid that I don't know what to do about it.
I don't want to talk about Jonathan and I being exclusive because I don't think I can fucking do it. When I met him, I was already dating another man. Which is weird, right? You're not supposed to meet your soul mate and cheat on your boyfriend with your soul mate. That is some fucked up shit. But it happened. I feel like I don't even know how to be exclusive because we've had an open relationship for so long. And it's not like I'm going to go around making out with guys or fucking them or whatever. I just can't fuck this up with Jonathan. I have to try to keep him, and I try so fucking hard already. I really want to work for this, but I feel dysfunctional. Like I don't know what I'm doing. But I keep trying anyways. I love him, I want to be with him, but I don't know if I can do the exclusive thing. Not when it's still long distance, not when I still haven't seen him face to face.
I don't want to talk about how I don't want to meet his sister. I don't want to meet her or his family until after I've met him and spent time with him. Which I know is unfair because I'll be with my family. I know it's completely unfair.
I don't want to talk about how uncomfortable I am with sex. I hate it. I hate that I'm so terrified of sex. I want to want to have sex. Why can't I be like that? It's frustrating, and I'm self conscious about it. What type of guy wants to date a girl who never wants to have sex? I feel like a shitty girlfriend and every time Jonathan wants to, my brain freezes, I totally freeze, I freak out, I get anxiety, I just can't. If I have one or two beers in me, sure I'm a little more brave and I'm more willing to. Which makes me feel fucking shitty.
Oh and while I'm on the subject, I don't want to talk about the incurable STD I have that in some cases if gone untreated, which I have been for over 3 years, can cause cancer. Fucking awesome, right? As if I didn't have enough problems being self conscious. I hate the way I look naked. I hate it. I don't want to talk about how sex makes me feel disgusting, how when I see myself naked in the mirror I ask myself who would want me and I can't come up with an answer for myself.
I don't want to talk about the doubts I have that Jonathan and I will work out. I know that doubts are normal. At least I think they are. They aren't always specific and they come and go. I never talk about them.
I don't want to talk about how I still have issues fitting in with my family. It's not their fault. As much as I would like it to be, as much as I would love to blame them, I can't. My family is accepting, honest, and they're good people. They're just different from me. It's my fault that I don't fit in because I set myself apart from them. Actually, I set myself apart from everyone. I'm so different that I feel like an alien on this damn planet.
I don't want to talk about the fact that I never want to talk about serious things. I push everything down and ignore it for as long as possible.
I don't want to talk about how much I drink or how much I always want to.
I don't want to talk about my guilt issues. I feel so guilty for not talking about my issues. I feel guilty for having doubts, I feel guilty for being a bitch, I feel guilty for not having a job, I feel guilty for not wanting a job, I feel guilty for the way I treat people, I feel guilty for being a shit girlfriend. I always try to make people happy and it backfires in my face all the time. Which makes me feel even more guilty.
I don't want to talk about the fact that ever since Adrianna disappeared my heart has been shattered and I don't know if it can be repaired. I second guess everyone I get close to. I'm just scared they'll leave me or decide other things are more important than me. People in my life just tend to leave me. The only person I trust won't leave me is Jonathan.
And I don't want to talk about it.
I. Don't. Want. To. Fucking. Talk. About. It.
