Oh Jesus

It's getting fucking awkward as hell having Jerry flirting with me again. It makes it even worse because whenever my family brings him up, it's usually about how my parents wish I had married him. It makes it weird because I can always talk to Jerry about spiritual stuff. I mean we're both pretty big on Jesus and born again Christian stuff.
And then Jerry busts out this flirtatious stuff, the whole mentioning me naked kind of freaked me out. I love Jerry to death and I love being friends with him, but that is seriously all I want from his is friendship. Usually I'm all for flirting, but Jerry and I ended our relationship in a pretty ugly way, so that relationship needs to stay in the past where it belongs.
Jerry told me that God told him that the reason I have nightmares is because God gives me prophetic dreams, so that's where the enemy attacks. Okay, sure that makes sense. If you're NOT talking about me. Because I'm sorry, but I am the last person that God would give that kind of gift to. What the hell am I gonna do with a prophetic dream, I mean really. It's way over my head, and i don't have enough faith for it. No matter how much I wanna be like a super Christian and love the bible and all that stuff, I feel like I'm faking it every time.
Then when Jerry tells me about this 'gift' that God gave me and then turns around and flirts with me, it makes me question his own spirituality and I have no idea if he even knows what he's talking about or if maybe he's just making guess or I don't know.

I wish I could talk to Jonathan about this kind of stuff, but every time I try it gets a little...awkward I guess. Not in a totally bad way. But like....I dunno I feel crazy or stupid when I bring it up. Like we can't talk about super spiritual stuff. Maybe because I'm a little more spiritual than him or...damn I don't know. It's something that's important to me though.

Becki Bible: December 2011

Dec. 7, 2011

I tend to screw everything up. I know a lot of people think that. There are a lot of dysfunctional people in this world. But when it comes to dysfunctional, (in some ways) I seem to take the cake. I dont' want this to sound like a pity party, but maybe it is. I hate that I have to privacy and on top of that, I keep trying to make all my friends happy. I feel stretched and worn. My intimacy problems bother me. It's really hard for me to get close to people emotionally. Physically seems to be out of the question. Whenever I'm reminded of the hurt that was done to me, the crack in my heart starts to bleed all over again. I can't fix myself.

Dec. 9, 2011

Sometimes I'm jealous of drug addicts. They do drugs to feel normal. Doesn't work for me. Granted, I haven't tried a lot of drugs. But I know that no matter what, I'll always crave to be normal. If I ever do become normal, I'll hate it. I'm not sure when I stopped being normal. Maybe I never was.

Dec. 10, 2011

"He sounds like a guy from Harry Potter. But then I guess all British people do." -Sherry

"I'm having trahbles and derficulties." -Sherry

Sherry: These choos are uncomfortable.

Me: Choos? Your choos are uncomfortable?

Sherry: Only the choo choos.

A hallucination while I'm drunk? And Gary talking me down? Fuck. I must be really fucked up. I don't know what to do. I don't normally have hallucinations. Especially seeing people. Seeing Sherry? In front of me? When I feel like this? When it's hours after she left? SHE LEFT. Hours ago. She wasn't standing over me and neither was Robert.

Dec. 12, 2011

"Piss isn't a bad word. It's just moderately offensive." -Diddy

"How do you keep going on in life if you don't let go of the past? But how do you let go of something that made you?"

I want to take a carriage ride downtown. With hot cocoa in the thermos. While we hold hands.

Dec. 18, 2011

I'm having a day where I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I was someone else. Just for today. I beat myself up too much for things, and I don't feel proud of who I am. I feel like if someone just looks at me, they know immediately I'm a horrible person. This guilt I keep carrying around keeps getting heavier and heavier.

Dec. 25, 2011

I don't know why I miss Adrianna so much on Christmas day. Maybe it's because we used to have 'holidays with adrianna'. We'd drink whiskey and beer together every holiday. I don't think she realizes how much she still means to me. I get angry, I get confused, and I don't know why she won't talk to me. She's still one of the most important people in my life. She used to clean everything with windex. And her Greek family was loud and obnoxious and I loved spending time with her family. When I first met Adrianna, she wore her whole heart on her sleeve. She trusted too easily and she loved with all her heart. She was optimistic and positive. Everyone teased her, calling her a hippie because she loves the Beatles and peace signs. But after awhile, she got hurt too many times. Her trusting heart was broken over and over. And she wasn't as optimistic as she used to be. Parts of her even became bitter. And if I could give her anything this Christmas it would be her optimism back. And probably a bottle of wine. I miss her so much that it hurts sometimes. It feels like a bad break up. And I worry about her a lot. I've had a good Christmas this year,  but it would have been better if Adrianna was still my friend.

Dec. 29, 2011
The reason why I don't like having sex isn't because I have trust issues. It's a morality issue. I feel guilty every single time I have sex. Sure, sometimes I have trust issues. Being scared of being used for sex and they'll leave me once I give it to them. But sometimes it has nothing to do with trust. Even if I trust that person completely, I still feel guilty. I now know that I don't want to sleep with someone until I'm married. There's nothing morally wrong with sleeping with your fucking spouse. I just don't know if Jonathan will be okay with that.

I didn't want to hang up the phone, but I did. He was already asleep on the other end anyways. I didn't move. I stared at the empty screen on my phone with the blankets still pulled up over my head. We were trying to tell secrets under the covers. It wasn't working very well. We already know everything about each other. Sometimes when I think about him, my eyes start to burn. It's like I'm about to cry because I'm smiling so big. But I never do. I just smile.

So I was surfing webmd.com, looking at dental health shit, right? They have these links all over the website like, 'Check out how to get rid of bad breath' or 'Trouble sleeping? Diagnose yourself' and stuff like that. So I clicked on one and ended up surfing all kinds of weird shit. Next thing I knew, I saw a link that pertained to what I like to call 'my problem'. Because I don't like talking about it. Ever. For fucks sakes, I can't even spell it out in my own diary because I'm always upset about it.

So when I'm reading all that shit, it tells me that seeing a doctor would be best because if it goes untreated I could get cervical cancer. AWESOME. I've only been ignoring it for almost three years. Mother fucking fuck fuck. I'm not saying I think I have cancer, but this means I need to go see a doctor. I can't do that.

I can't go see a doctor because my family doesn't have enough money for even a check up right now. Last week, we had NO food in the fridge except for pickles, squash, mayo, and butter. My parents are still trying to make ends meet. Not only that, but how do I tell my mom? "Oh yeah, hey mom? If I don't go to the doctor, I'll get cancer. We should probably go." or "Mom? Yeah. I had sex with an asshole three years ago and he gave me an STD which I still haven't taken care of. Will you help me out?"

And people wonder why I hate sex.

Fuck that. Fuck everything. This isn't fucking fair.

Things That Terrify Me When It Comes To Jonathan And I

• Jonathan won't find me attractive
• That I'll find some way to fuck up the relationship
• Our fights :(
• The fact that he still doesn't know everything about me
• What my friends will think when I move in with him
• The fact that I will probably eat all his food (lol)

Okay so that last one was kind of a joke. But yes, I'm scared that Jonathan won't find me attractive. And it's not that I don't think I'm pretty. I think I'm pretty okay looking. But I'm starting to hate the way I look naked even more than usual. Especially when I took a shower today. I had to try really hard not to cry as the water washed over me. I think the reason why I hate the way I look when I'm naked is because...well I've heard some not-so-nice comments from my ex's about the way I look. I just feel like he'll see me and immediately feel disgusted or something.

And I'm not looking for a way to fuck up our relationship nor do I want to. But he doesn't really know how I get sometimes. Sometimes I get all nostalgic and miss an ex boyfriend. Sometimes I don't feel like talking about anything at all, and sometimes I get so depressed that all I want to do is eat and watch movies. He hasn't seen me have an anxiety attack, and I'm sure he doesn't know why I keep all the old love letters that are stashed away in my dresser.

These are things I think he'll have to learn about me when we're finally together. Because he doesn't know everything. I'm just scared he'll react to them not so well. Like...when I have an anxiety attack he won't know that sometimes I just want a back rub....or not to be touched at all. Why am I so fucking crazy? And what if I have hallucinations? How will he react to those? Or my nightmares? Or my random dark moments where I feel like I'm going completely insane or the dark thoughts in my head won't go away? I mean...fuck.

And our fights. That scares me because I know that he gets all quiet. And I do the same thing. I'll get quiet and then go someplace to cry. I don't wanna be curled up in the bathroom crying after we fight. I don't want to fight but I know that we will. Every couple fights, no matter how perfect they are. He tells me that there's no possible way for me to hurt him...but I don't believe that for a second.

What my friends will think...well that is only a small concern. Sure, I love my friends. A lot. But Jonathan always comes first. And they'll have to accept my decision or choke on a pineapple.

Tattered and Worn

I hate that even after all these years

I admit I miss those small hands.

The freckle on his chin.

I'll even admit to missing

that awful band tee.

I snatch at the details,

closing my eyes to remember.

His tattered belt and his horse laugh.

The smile he gave

just for me.

Time wore on

and Change put her dirty hands in our business

Then there were the bags

under his eyes.

Blood seeped through the paper,

betraying him.

His waist too small,

his bones sharp knives,

cutting us both in two.

My kisses could not heal his starving lips,

My tears fell on festering wounds.

I didn't realize the conclusion would be

that I'm just as tattered and as worn

as his belt was.

It's fucking ridiculous how baby hungry I've been lately. Every time I see a brown baby I'm like,

I FUCKING WANT IT I WANT IT, I WANT A BROWN BABY WITH JONATHAN.

But he's so far away. :/

For the best probably, because I can't afford any children right now.

I just wish I was good enough for him.