I've never kept a secret from Jonathan before.

What if he hates me?

I don't know if I can tell him. Not yet.

I'm too scared.

I love him so much.

But god fucking damn it.

I'm an idiot.

Aug. 24, 2011

I wrote this in my Becki Bible right after I got off the phone with Jonathan and his best friend:

I hate this. I hate it. I can't do it, I can't keep up with this. Why am I comparing myself to Charlie? I could tell she didn't like me. I could hear the jealousy ringing in her voice, I could feel it even from so far away. I didn't want her to hear the jealousy in my voice, I hid it with the kind words and laughter. When she made an off-hand comment about my voice I was immediately self-conscious. I know I shouldn't be, Jonathan loves me and that's all that matters, right? But still. It's one of my biggest insecurities. Her possesive comments over her best friend. Her beautiful voice was definitely no match for my whiny high school voice. The viscous cycle kept on it's way, I wondered if she was prettier than me and she probably is, she's probably more of Jonathan's type than I am.

I'm not jealous OF her...I could just hear her feelings for Jonathan in her voice. Which made me jealous, and then I started the comparing and it just got out of hand for me, emotionally. After pulling myself together, I know that I'm Jonathan's bottom bitch. :) haha. And so it doesn't matter what she thinks.

Although I still have a slight twinge of jealousy, just because she gets to actually spend time with him. -_-

Oh Jesus

All I think about is Jonathan. Seriously. All I want to talk about is Jonathan. Every chance I get, I somehow hint to someone that I have a boyfriend. Just so then they can ask, "You have a boyfriend?" And then my lungs explode and it almost seems like I'm yelling. "YES I HAVE THE BEST FUCKING BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE LIKE FOREVER AND WE'RE SO HAPPY TOGETHER THAT IT WOULD MAKE YOU PUKE!"

I need to relax.

I don't want you to die.

I want you to live with the knowledge that you're a monster. You're not a man. You're a sick creature that gains the trust of women so you can violate them, rape them, beat them, hurt them. I want you to live with that emptiness. I want you to live with the complete loneliness. I want you to wake up every day just to wish that you were dead. Your black heart will pump nothing but blood. Not one ounce of love or happiness with flow in your veins. And when you go to meet Jesus when you die, you will kneel in front of him. And you will get to answer for what you did. You get to tell God why you hurt me. You'll get to meet your maker and you get to tell him exactly why you hurt his child so severely. My bruises will heal. One day, I will forgive you. One day, I might not taste the bitter blood in my mouth anymore. At least I don't have to wake up as you.

Carry On

His lying tongue scraping her teeth
He leaves violent lovers marks on her neck
And she exhales the bittersweet pain
With every struggled breath

His greedy hands grasp her bruised neck
Her head swims, spins, twirls
His hands squeeze, suffocate, twist

And after he wipes the sticky semen
From her pale broken body
He leaves a soft lie on her lips
Kisses the tears of protest on her face
Places empty promises in her heart

She doesn't know the difference
Anymore
Between pain and pleasure

Collapsed on the front lawn
Her body too weary to care
And her heart to broken to beat

Standing up for myself, for once.

I don't know what I was thinking when I sent Jayde that message on facebook. The one that said I'd greatly appreciate it if she stayed away from Jonathan. I guess I just kind of wanted to stand up for something I believed in, for once in my life. And I believe in Jonathan and I. I know that if we both want this to work, it's gonna fucking work.

But I didn't expect those words from her. About how Jonathan never told her anything about a girlfriend, about how he could possibly be two-timing me. I don't know why I would be bothered by what she was saying. She was obviously just being an upset, jealous ex girlfriend. What really bothered me was that there was a little part of me that kind of believed her. Maybe he didn't tell her anything about me because he didn't want her to know about me. Which I would completely understand, I really would. I never told Zack about Jonathan, after all. The hard part to swallow was when she said he was probably lying. If he wasn't comfortable in telling people I'm his girlfriend, I'm actually completely fine with that. I still can't work up the guts to tell Adrianna about him. But what if while she was creating this drama, he didn't even stand up for me? What if he really said, "Oh, she's not my girlfriend." What if they didn't really stop talking, but he just told me they did to make me feel better?

And god damn it, why am I believing this stupid bitch over jonathan, I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I have trust issues, but isn't this getting a little ridiculous. He said he would never lie to me, and he won't. Right?

I just want him to be happy, and I want him to be honest. The worst thing he could ever do is lie to me or keep things from me. So if he wanted to be with Jayde then god damn it he should say it. If he wanted to live in fucking Missouri, then he should say it. I've told him everything there can be known about me. So I'm ripped open raw for him, and I'm so fucking scared I've never been this scared in my life to be hurt. But I would be hurt over and over again, just for him. I've never known anyone who could not only accept me but love me for who I am completely. If he ever did end up hurting me, well alright then. Because I enjoyed every single fucking little second with him. I love him so god damn much.

I'm going to try to put Jayde out of my mind. Jonathan said she's gone, and I'm going to try my best to believe that. He said he'd never lie to me, and I'm going to try my best to believe that.

I suck at being strong

I'm just a big giant emotional wreck today.

All I can think about is Tiffany and Jayde and how they both want Jonathan and he very well could choose either of them over me because let's face it I live clear the fuck in Utah and I'm the girl with tons and tons of problems, why would he ever choose me over either of them?

And I don't have sex, I don't want to have sex ever again, not after everything that has happened with me. I am through, it scares me. It scares the shit out of me. MEN scare the shit out of me.

What if we fail? What if I totally fuck up our relationship? It's bound to happen, I fuck up every relationship I've ever been in. I'll probably screw this up and I'll probably never get to be with someone forever. I'm going to end up alone and I'll have no one to blame but myself.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but right now I don't give a fuck. I can't keep going like this, I can't stand the feeling of lying there trying to sleep, and I feel empty on the inside, I feel lonely on the outside. All I want is Jonathan, and I can't have him.

Jayde gets to have him, Tiffany gets to have him, but I'm stuck in Utah, craving for him and that craving is never satisfied. I don't even know what it feels like to hold his hand.

I can't be strong all the time. Yes, I'm going to get jealous every now and then. Especially when I've been emotional lately. Yeah, I'm gonna get tired of the distance.

But I need to keep hopeful, maybe one day I'll get to fall asleep in his arms.