I didn't want to hang up the phone, but I did. He was already asleep on the other end anyways. I didn't move. I stared at the empty screen on my phone with the blankets still pulled up over my head. We were trying to tell secrets under the covers. It wasn't working very well. We already know everything about each other. Sometimes when I think about him, my eyes start to burn. It's like I'm about to cry because I'm smiling so big. But I never do. I just smile.

So I was surfing webmd.com, looking at dental health shit, right? They have these links all over the website like, 'Check out how to get rid of bad breath' or 'Trouble sleeping? Diagnose yourself' and stuff like that. So I clicked on one and ended up surfing all kinds of weird shit. Next thing I knew, I saw a link that pertained to what I like to call 'my problem'. Because I don't like talking about it. Ever. For fucks sakes, I can't even spell it out in my own diary because I'm always upset about it.

So when I'm reading all that shit, it tells me that seeing a doctor would be best because if it goes untreated I could get cervical cancer. AWESOME. I've only been ignoring it for almost three years. Mother fucking fuck fuck. I'm not saying I think I have cancer, but this means I need to go see a doctor. I can't do that.

I can't go see a doctor because my family doesn't have enough money for even a check up right now. Last week, we had NO food in the fridge except for pickles, squash, mayo, and butter. My parents are still trying to make ends meet. Not only that, but how do I tell my mom? "Oh yeah, hey mom? If I don't go to the doctor, I'll get cancer. We should probably go." or "Mom? Yeah. I had sex with an asshole three years ago and he gave me an STD which I still haven't taken care of. Will you help me out?"

And people wonder why I hate sex.

Fuck that. Fuck everything. This isn't fucking fair.

Things That Terrify Me When It Comes To Jonathan And I

• Jonathan won't find me attractive
• That I'll find some way to fuck up the relationship
• Our fights :(
• The fact that he still doesn't know everything about me
• What my friends will think when I move in with him
• The fact that I will probably eat all his food (lol)

Okay so that last one was kind of a joke. But yes, I'm scared that Jonathan won't find me attractive. And it's not that I don't think I'm pretty. I think I'm pretty okay looking. But I'm starting to hate the way I look naked even more than usual. Especially when I took a shower today. I had to try really hard not to cry as the water washed over me. I think the reason why I hate the way I look when I'm naked is because...well I've heard some not-so-nice comments from my ex's about the way I look. I just feel like he'll see me and immediately feel disgusted or something.

And I'm not looking for a way to fuck up our relationship nor do I want to. But he doesn't really know how I get sometimes. Sometimes I get all nostalgic and miss an ex boyfriend. Sometimes I don't feel like talking about anything at all, and sometimes I get so depressed that all I want to do is eat and watch movies. He hasn't seen me have an anxiety attack, and I'm sure he doesn't know why I keep all the old love letters that are stashed away in my dresser.

These are things I think he'll have to learn about me when we're finally together. Because he doesn't know everything. I'm just scared he'll react to them not so well. Like...when I have an anxiety attack he won't know that sometimes I just want a back rub....or not to be touched at all. Why am I so fucking crazy? And what if I have hallucinations? How will he react to those? Or my nightmares? Or my random dark moments where I feel like I'm going completely insane or the dark thoughts in my head won't go away? I mean...fuck.

And our fights. That scares me because I know that he gets all quiet. And I do the same thing. I'll get quiet and then go someplace to cry. I don't wanna be curled up in the bathroom crying after we fight. I don't want to fight but I know that we will. Every couple fights, no matter how perfect they are. He tells me that there's no possible way for me to hurt him...but I don't believe that for a second.

What my friends will think...well that is only a small concern. Sure, I love my friends. A lot. But Jonathan always comes first. And they'll have to accept my decision or choke on a pineapple.

Tattered and Worn

I hate that even after all these years

I admit I miss those small hands.

The freckle on his chin.

I'll even admit to missing

that awful band tee.

I snatch at the details,

closing my eyes to remember.

His tattered belt and his horse laugh.

The smile he gave

just for me.

Time wore on

and Change put her dirty hands in our business

Then there were the bags

under his eyes.

Blood seeped through the paper,

betraying him.

His waist too small,

his bones sharp knives,

cutting us both in two.

My kisses could not heal his starving lips,

My tears fell on festering wounds.

I didn't realize the conclusion would be

that I'm just as tattered and as worn

as his belt was.

It's fucking ridiculous how baby hungry I've been lately. Every time I see a brown baby I'm like,

I FUCKING WANT IT I WANT IT, I WANT A BROWN BABY WITH JONATHAN.

But he's so far away. :/

For the best probably, because I can't afford any children right now.

I just wish I was good enough for him.

I can't tell if I'm running away, or if this is something I really need to do.

North Dakota

I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I moved to North Dakota. It means that I probably wouldn't be able to have a chance to talk to Jonathan. At all. For maybe months at a time. It'll put a serious strain on our relationship. I'm so fucking embarrassed. I can't tell Adrianna about Jonathan! She's gonna hate me so bad. And i'm going to be living with her for Christ's sakes. On top of that, Jordan is really excited to be hanging out with us. Adrianna told me it would be really awesome if I dated Jordan. Pfft whut?! Date Jordan? Seriously? I can't do that! I already love Jonathan. He's the one I love, he's the one I want. But not having him next to me is getting really old. I keep craving the physical body next to mine. So then I go running off, making out with someone else or cuddling and flirting with someone else. But it should be him. It should always be him. He offered me money, so that I could have an easier time getting started in North Dakota. But I always feel guilty accepting money from other people. Besides, I should be fine. Adrianna will be taking care of me for the first little bit. Once I get a job, I'll be able to pay her back and get a phone and what not.

I keep playing the 'what if' game. What if I get a job up there? Then I'll be able to get a phone faster, I'll be able to start saving up for a place with Jonathan. Which also makes me nervous because he wants to get a place with Charlie. I thought it would be awesome at first, but I'm not really comfortable with it right now. Maybe because I get really jealous of her. She seems like...I dunno more of Jonathan's type I guess. I'm just awkward and...stupid. If all three of us get a place, I'll feel like I have to compete with her for his attention or something gay like that. I don't know. I'm just nervous. If I don't get up a job up in North Dakota, then i won't be any worse off than I am now. Well, I don't know if that's true. I'll Adrianna even more money. Fuck. I can't get into debt, especially to her. I want to be a good friend, I don't wanna be a mooch or whatever. This decision has been so hard, but I know it's something I have to do. I have to give this a chance, and I have to give myself a chance. I know it will be hard, and I'll probably screw everything up, but I have to try.