Worries

Sometimes after I hang up the phone with Jon, I just start crying. And I tell myself to pull it together, but I just can't. I'm scared that my feelings for him might be deeper than his are for me. And he might not see it because I'm so horrible at expressing how I feel. I say, 'I love you' so many times in our conversation but those words just don't seem to be enough. God, I just get so fucking scared. I get these horrible thoughts in my head that maybe it's all just a lie. Maybe he could be a convincing liar, maybe he doesn't love me as much as he says he does. It's so horrible to say, but it's happened to me before. Men can be so deceiving.
The worst part of it is wondering if I'll ever get the chance to be with him. I hate it, God I hate the fucking distance. Why does this have to be so hard?
What if when I meet him, he's a completely different person? I doubt it, but it could happen. It worries me a little.
Holy shit, I worry a lot.
I finally told Jon that I don't' know what my sexual preference is. I guess it's because I just kind of assumed he understood me enough to already know that about me. But I just kinda said it. It's not really that big of a deal, at least I don't think it is. Not between us, anyways. It is a big deal with me though. Just from the religious, spiritual point of view. I'm pretty conflicted.
I dunno I just...when I get like this, I crave his arms around me. Telling me that everything is okay, that all the little things bothering me don't matter. I just want the chance to stare into his eyes and know what it feels like to have myself so close to him that my heart will pound out of my chest.
He knows me better than anyone else...but there's just one thing. That one thing about me that haunts me. We never talk about it. I'm not sure if he knows about it or not, I might have told him. But I'm just so ashamed. I can't bring it up. Not now anyways.
When I called him, I asked him if he ever worries about us, if we'll work or not. He assured me that of course not, that he doesn't ever worry about that. And then I just felt like an idiot for worrying. I felt like maybe I really do love him more than he loves me. I'm the one that sits there and cries, wishing I could be with him. I'm the one that worries that I'm not good enough, I'm the one that writes constantly about him, thinking constantly about him, missing him constantly.

I hung up the phone and laid down on the couch, pulling my spider-man blanket close around me, and the tears slid sideways, across my nose and onto my pillow. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, tried to shut the tears out, but they kept coming. I just missed him.
I wasn't laying there very long before I heard my phone ring. It was him.
When I answered, my heart ached. I could hear him trying to keep the tears back just like I was.
"I do worry."

I was relieved to know that he misses me just as much as I miss him. That he loves me just as much as I love him. He was trying to be strong for me this whole time, but I don't want him to be. I just want to be able to love him, and I want him to love me. That's all.
He was worried that maybe I'll meet someone and leave him for that person.
I told him that I'll never leave him. Ever. And I meant it. He knows me better than any other person on this earth, he's my everything. I just wish I could be enough for him, I wish I deserved him. I'm not faithful, I flirt with other guys constantly....but in the end I always want him. I always want to come home to him.

Poem

I wrote this on April 5th in my Becki Bible:

I won't forget
Your puckered lips on my neck
Or the feel of your body against mine
I won't forget
The whispered breaths in my ear
Or your lingered smell on my jacket
I won't forget
Your violent fist in your anger
Or your red hot words striking my cheek
I won't forget
The vicious words against me
Or the lies I greedily lapped up
I won't forget-
Fuck it.
Forget you, shit head.

April 26, 2011

If I married Jon today, right this second, I would have no regrets. I would have no doubts. This is really what I want.
I've never been this deeply involved with someone. Ever. That's saying a lot, considering I've been in love twice before. There was the first love with Josh. I know I will never forget that. And then there was Eldon. I really loved Eldon. When he told me he was in love with someone else, it completely tore me apart. Left deeper wounds than I thought were there.
It still hurts today.
He shattered my heart, changed my outlook on love, changed my life.
It wasn't too long after that that I met Jon. I was a complete mess, if I remember correctly. It's hard to remember that part of my life. I was drunk almost every day for a few months straight. Partying, numbing myself. I actually wasn't aware that I was miserable. I was so busy numbing out and distracting myself that I didn't realize I needed help.
There was something about Jon that I was drawn to. I saw something underneath his sense of humor and I wanted to find out what it was.

Two years (or something like that) later, here we are-
He is my everything. I'm in love with him. More deeply than I ever thought possible. Somehow, somewhere in those two years, he managed to sneak into my heart. Now I hear his whispers against my hears, about how beautiful I am, how I'm an angel.
Because I care for him as much as I do, I'm terrified.
Sure, I'm scared of getting a broken heart. But I've had a broken heart before, I know I would survive.
What I'm honestly terrified of...is just losing him. He is the only soul on this planet that really truly knows me. He is the only person who knows every single one of my secrets, and accepts me for it.
He's my best friend.
I never want to lose that

I called my voice mail and finally checked all of my fucking messages. One of them was just adorable though.
"Hey Becki. It's your boyfriend. I was just calling to tell you I love you...and I hope you're having fun on your trip. I wish you were here. It's where you belong. So I can make you happy. I love you. Good night."
I almost cried. I did cry.
He's so effing perfect it makes me insane.

Gotta Get Down On Friday

As far as parties go, it wasn't too crazy last night.

I got ready for the party, trying to do something different with my makeup but failing miserably. Robert called me and said, "We're on our way to come get you! Oh, bring your ipod for car music...mine's dead." I say alright and hang up the phone. Then I realize.

fuck. I look like shit:


See?! But hey. I'm wearing my favorite ratty old hoodie and glow-in-the-dark Harry Potter shirt so it's whatever. :)

Robert pulls up to my house with Jessica and I go walkin out like I'm hot shit, even though I look like STUPID shit haha. I get in the car, and we go pick up Ryan...but then we have to go pick up Mindy.
We're listening to my ipod in the car, and I decide that I want to pick one song. I don't wanna play DJ or anything, there's just a song I'd really like to jam to. The Black Dahlia Murder, of course. So I put it on but then Jessica whirls around in her seat during the intro and says, "Will there be screaming? I don't like screaming. If there's screaming I'm turning it off."
I said, "You're definitely going to hear some things you don't like."
When she hears the lyrics she turns around and I'm not even kidding you, gives me the death glare like none other. The look on her face said, 'Are you fucking kidding me? You are a stupid bitch. I can't believe you like this.'
For some reason, I almost punched her. Okay, you make me listen to DubStep and all that techno bull shit that you call "music" but I want to listen to ONE song on MY ipod that I brought as a FAVOR and you turn it off instantly? God damn it bitch, I will shove my ipod down your whorish throat.
But I don't say anything, just take my ipod back and we listen to that stupid techno shit. I'd go into the part of the story where Jessica falls off of a moving vehicle like the dumbass she is and Robert almost gets in a fight with a 40 year old drunk guy....but I'm so dumbfounded by Jessica's pure stupidity that I couldn't bring myself to write about that. So we'll fast forward to the party.
We show up. :)
Eftichi and Preston are there (yay!), along with a few other people. It's a relatively small party. I give Preston a hug and as usual he's staring at my tits again. I don't care, it's not like he could ever see them and Preston's a funny guy, we get along pretty well. :) Eftichi is wearing a full on suit. Like...dressed up. I'm surprised and said, "Damn, Eftichi why are you so dressed up? You're lookin great! But I feel under-dressed standing next to you!" He just flashes his sexy greek smile and says, "I just felt like it. You never need a reason to dress up."
"Oh my God, Eftichi, I love you. Seriously, that is the best thing I've heard all day. Next weekend, I'm showing up in a prom dress."
And he just smiles again, hugs me, and kisses my temple. Wtf, did Eftichi just kiss my head? I think he did.... Ah, fuck it. I'm gettin a beer.
Preston leaves after only staying for about 25 minutes and before he leaves he just full on grabs my ass...um, alright? I guess? So I grab his. We are officially ass-grabbing friends apparently.
Robert decided he's gonna do fucking ecstasy. Another reason why I don't like Jessica. She has gotten Robert into ecstasy. And Robert used to be like...my drug-free pal! Ugh! That stupid bitch is ruining my best friend! But you know what? It's okay. I'll just drink more.
The more I play beer pong and the more I consume alcohol, the more I smile. I get in a better mood, and I'm feeling a little more relaxed. I'm not drunk, just feeling fantastic. I sit in the living room after smoking a cigarette and watch White Chicks with Ryan, sipping on my Miller Highlife. Ryan had just got dumped earlier so I'm trying to include him in conversations and activities, trying to make him feel at least a little better....without him thinking I'm going to be like, a rebound bang or something like that. NOT HAPPENING. lol
Eftichi sits next to me on the couch and wraps his arm around me, and I snuggle close. [[See this is what I was talking about! The affection thingy!]] We socialize with everyone, talking laughing, having a general good time.
Jessica's stupid ass needs to go to the store for something and asks me if I want to go with. Well, I did finish my beer. And I'm slightly tipsy which means I can almost enjoy her company. So why not? I search around for my jacket but can't find it. I only see Eftichi's suit jacket. So I put it on and say, "Eftichi, we're running to the store, and I'm wearing your suit jacket because I can't find mine. Plus, this will make sure you're here when I get back." And I wink at him and run out the door with Jessica. What the hell, did I just wink at him?! No. No no no no no. Now he's gonna think he's gonna get the goodies and he's not. Maybe. I hope not anyways. I don't know!
When I get back, Eftichi and I go outside for a smoke. It's a little chilly outside, so I let him wrap his arms around me while we take drags off the cigarette and exhale the warm smoke into the air. I'm giggling like an idiot at the cute things he's doing like blowing in my ear because he knows it tickles, or making silly cute faces at me. And all of a sudden his nose brushes against the side of mine and we kiss.
Holy. Fucking Hell.
I haven't kissed someone this good at kissing...in over a year. Dead serious. Don't get me wrong, my body didn't catch fire, but it was pure sexiness.
The mixed smells of his cologne and cigarette smoke on his jacket made my head swim and made me excited. I clung to his jacket while his tongue searched the tip of mine and then I pulled away. "Okay, okay, this is...yeah," I couldn't quite talk, I was trying to breathe. And trying not to rape him. "Yeah?" he said, then tugged me in one more time for another kiss. This time my hand found my favorite spot to rest when I'm kissing someone. It was right between his jawbone and neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss momentarily before Eftichi broke off the kiss and suggested we go inside.
Thank God! I can't be kissing guys like this! Especially Eftichi! I mean, no offense to Eftichi, I love him to death. But he is a sex addict, and I don't have sex. See where that might be a problem?
So we go back inside, Robert is trippin balls and talking about how the trees were talking to him. (I'm glaring at Jessica the whole time.) But for the most part, it's still a pretty okay time. When it comes time to bounce and go home, I ride with Eftichi home. Just me and him. In his car.
Uh-oh.
BUT DON'T WORRY! THIS STORY ENDS WELL! SORT OF.
He drives me home, it's casual talk, but I can feel the sort of shy tension still. We pull up to my house, we make out for five minutes and then I get out of the car and go inside.

When I walked into the house, I threw my bag on the couch, snatched up the house phone and called Jon immediately.

I was thinking, 'God damn it, Jon is gonna hate me now. I can't lose him. I love him. Why am I so stupid? Why do I always have the need for affection? God I'm such a fucking IDIOT!'

When he answered, I couldn't believe how high my heart jumped. I choked on my heart, and almost threw up. That's how much I love this guy.
Him: "Hey, baby. What are you doin?"
Me: "...nothin.. :D" ←Yes, I put a smiley face in my own quote because there is no way he couldn't hear my smiley on the other end of the line.
He probably hears me smiling like a fool right now, for Christ's sakes. I can't write about him without grinning from ear to ear.
He was really tired, I don't blame him I got home kinda late, so our conversation was shorter than usual. He wasn't mad at me for what happened. He knows I want to be with him forever. I keep expecting him to get mad at me for something, but he never does.
Hearing his steady breathing right before he fell asleep made me so incredibly happy it's almost embarrassing. I can't wait to hear it every single night when I'm right next to him.

The other night when I called him, he said something I will probably never forget.
Mostly because I wrote it down; I wanted to remember it forever.
Me: What are you thinkin about?
Him: You.
Me: Well what about me?
Him: I was just thinking about, how amazing it would be. To make love to you right now. Hold you close while I push into you, whispering to you how much you mean to me, how much I love you.

When he said that, my whole body and heart ached for him. And I just smiled and looked at my stupid feet, hoping that I'll be everything that he ever expected, needed, and wanted.

Affection

I'm scared that I'm going to explode.
I don't know how those people do it. Those people, that are single for years on end, BY CHOICE. Like, they're totally fine without a significant other. That may sound desperate from me, but I don't think it is. It's not like I go out looking for a boyfriend. I go out looking for affection, most of the time I just wanna hold your god damned hand.
Then I landed this amazing and absolutely killer gorgeous boyfriend.
Now I don't know what to do with myself. I still long for affection, to hold hands, to have tickle fights (where I will lose), to share inside jokes with that person, to have him caress my jawline ever so gently...am I getting carried away?
Anyways, you get the idea.

It really hasn't been that long...AT ALL, since I had physical affection. I mean, just yesterday Robert and I had a part cuddle/part tickle session on the love sack. (And I wonder why people think we have a thing....DUR) and before that, I was dating that complete douche bag asshole shit bag. But there was affection in that relationship for sure. Lots of cuddling.

Is it possible to be addicted to cuddling? I feel like I am. I feel like if I don't have someone holding me every now and then, that I will just cease my grip on reality. I know. I'm strange.

I hate myself.

Oh, Fuck. :(

Ben says:

Hey.

Becki Rausch says:

Hey

Ben says:

I'm really freaking out right now...the last time you said something lik "I just pretend to be someone I'm not on a daily basis", I almost lost you.

Becki Rausch says:

Yup

Ben says:

Is that what's happening now?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know.

Ben says:

Please don't do this. I can't lose you.

Becki Rausch says:

I can't pretend to be someone else. It's not fair to you.

Ben says:

Have you been pretending with me?

Becki Rausch says:

Some of the time, I suppose I am.

Ben says:

When?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know, it's not like I can name dates and times.

Ben says:

Do you love me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes. But not as much as you love me.

Ben says:

Why do you say that?

Becki Rausch says:

Because. I can just tell. Your attachment is so much deeper on your end than it is on mine.

Ben says:

Why?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know.

Ben says:

How come now you're telling me that you don't love me like you did, say, 5 hours ago?

Becki Rausch says:

I can't talk about this anymore.

Ben says:

But I have to.

I swear I'll drive out there this instant.

Becki Rausch says:

What good will that do? So then I can just break your heart to your face?

I told you I wasn't a good person.

You didn't believe me.

Ben says:

Are you leaving me?

Becki Rausch says:

I don't fucking know right now.

Ben says:

I can't believe this. Why, Rebecca?

Becki Rausch says:

I wish it were easy to explain what goes through my head. I wish it were easy for me to explain the horrible thoughts I have daily, the lies I tell myself, the lies I tell others. And I was trying so hard to be honest. But I can't even be honest with myself.

Ben says:

Did I wait too long to come see you again?

Becki Rausch says:

No. No no no, it wasn't that. You've been nothing but perfect.

I've been nothing but horrendous.

Ben says:

Have you lied to me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes, but nothing that was like...super big or anything like that.

Ben says:

What was it?

Becki Rausch says:

Let me rephrase. I didn't lie. I just never...told the complete truth about myself.

Ben says:

Then tell me now, rebecca. Tell me now so I can love you for it.

Becki Rausch says:

You could never love me for it.

Ben says:

How do you know? And at this point, what have you got to lose?

Becki Rausch says:

It's been haunting me for a long time, I thought it was a phase, but it's not. I thought the feeling would pass, but it hasn't. I couldn't get baptized because of it. I feel so...out of place. I don't have a place.

Ben says:

What if I came and got you. Right fucking now.

Becki Rausch says:

Wouldn't help.

Ben says:

Why?

Becki Rausch says:

You, and your complete perfection is just a constant reminder of how I don't deserve you. Of how you deserve to be with someone who can give you so much more than I can. You think you know me, and sure, you know some things about me. A lot of things. But if you knew the person I really am, the person that hides inside myself...well I'm not saying you wouldn't love me.

But it would change things.

Ben says:

What would change?

Becki Rausch says:

The way you look at me.

Ben says:

How could that possibly change?

Becki Rausch says:

Why is this so fucking hard?

Ben says:

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO.

I just moved $250 into my checking account. I'm 16 minutes away from putting zoey in the car and driving until I'm at your door.

Becki Rausch says:

Please don't do that.

Ben says:

Please don't leave me.

Becki Rausch says:

Just seeing you would break my heart even more than it's already broken.

Ben says:

Why

Why god dammit

Becki Rausch says:

Because. I'm so good at breaking my own damn heart. I don't need any help.

Ben says:

my phone is fully fucking charged, i have 3/4 tank of gas, my tires are full, and i can be there by 6 fucking am

i am not letting this go

i will fight tooth and nail for you

you have no idea

i will scratch my heart out until my fingers are bone and my chest is hollow, i am not letting you go

Becki Rausch says:

Stop it.

Ben says:

i'm two weeks ahead on my homework, i don't even need to be anywhere tomorrow.

and i swear to almighty god, who loves you more than i ever could, that if it comes to it, i will get in my car, drive to your doorstep, and bring you home tomorrow.

you'll meet my mom, who will be incredulous, but i don't even give a fuck anymore

i will fight for you until i die.

and if this kills me...fine.

Becki Rausch says:

Ben, it is pointless for you to drive here until morning just to have me tell you to turn around. That I can't see you. That it hurts too much to see you.

Ben says:

you think i'll let you turn me away? you think after everything i've told you (all of it was true), after everything i've given you (it's yours anyway) and everything i've done for you (it was my honor), that i'll let you turn me away? that's not how this works. in ten minutes i'll be in my car.

fuck, it may even be a faster drive this time, i know the road.

Becki Rausch says:

STOP IT. You are not coming out to see me right now.

Wouldn't it be smarter to wait a few days anyways?

Ben says:

and i will beat down your door until i've woken up the neighborhood and they can all come watch as i drop down and propose to you right then

Becki Rausch says:

Then maybe I'm not hyperventilating and we both have time to think things clearly?

Ben says:

i'm not going to lose you.

that's not going to happen.

i refuse to let this go

i CAN'T let this go

Becki Rausch says:

And I CANNOT see you. Not tonight.

Ben says:

tonight makes perfect sense. i don't have to be anywhere until tuesday.

Becki Rausch says:

You don't understand.

The harder you push, I'm gonna push back.

Ben says:

Why?

god dammit why

Becki Rausch says:

I don't know, I've been like that ever since I can remember.

Ben says:

Do you love me?

Becki Rausch says:

Yes.

But I don't know if I'm IN love with you.

It takes a lot to get me to that point.

Ben says:

...

Becki Rausch says:

A LOT.

Ben says:

What the hell haven't I done?

Becki Rausch says:

It's not about what you have or haven't done.

It's about my stupid ass.

Ben says:

god dammit why can't i send you pictures

fuck

fuck

i'm crying

fuck

Becki Rausch says:

Stop it, stop it. Just breathe.

Ben says:

no god dammit

breathing's too good for me

i can't breathe without you