The Good and The Bad

MY FUCKING SHIRT?
THE GOOD.

So I guess Africa, my best girl friend, doesn't really hate me that much. She HATES Mr. M but, that's to be understandable. She hasn't liked a lot of the guys I've dated except for maybe Fish and Metal Head. (The ex that left me for a slut) The rest of them, she basically hated. She doesn't really have room to talk though, I can't think of one single boyfriend she had that I totally got along with. We both tend to date ass holes.

Africa texted me and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just writin like a fool, like I usually am, and she asked me if I wanted to go for a drive with her and her puppy. I said sure, I missed her and I was nervous for the awkwardness, but it wasn't that bad.
We both didn't mention the fact that I lied to her about why Fish and I broke up, didn't mention the fact that I'd cheated on him countless times, or anything like that. I wanted to somehow apologize, let her know that I'm not always going to be a bitch. I told her that I've been trying really hard to tell the truth, to be an honest person from now on. Her response?

"Oh hell, I lie every fucking day!"

So much for trying to make things right. Oh well. We got lost in a neighborhood full of rich ass houses, found the top of the world, and drank a couple beers. Then we went to Wal-Mart, used the bathroom and wandered around for awhile. I missed her.

I got home and texted back Mr. M, my controlling but adorable boyfriend and sat down to watch a super nerdy movie. It wasn't as good as I was hoping, but it was okay. Next thing I know, I was compelled to text Jacob.
So I did.

He asked me to call him, which was what I was hoping he would ask and I told him I would in a little bit. I had a feeling that he was back with his ex like he said he was planning on doing. It's not that I hate that he's dating someone else. That's not it at all. It's just that....I DON'T LIKE HIS GIRLFRIEND! I don't know why! I can't figure it out! She's not a skeezy skanky ho, she's not ugly, she's not a mean person, and Jacob obviously likes her. So what's the matter with me? I'm not exactly sure. I tried to tell him to go date Bob, but he wouldn't listen to me. MEN.

I probably shouldn't have talked to him on the phone last night. It's a total betrayal of trust for Mr. M and he already has trust issues out the wazoo. I couldn't help myself. I feel like I'm addicted to this guy, my best friend. We did just fine until I mentioned somewhere in that conversation my vagina and he totalllly fell silent. HAHA! It was funny but way messed up. I shouldn't tease like that, especially since we both have significant others. I don't think the conversation got too bad though, I told him what panties I was wearing and that was about it. Oh wait, he told me he could roll his r's. OUTSIDE of his mouth. RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That's almost as good as me knowing how to flex my vagina!

I just love Jacob.

The Confession Part

There's one thing...well actually there's a couple things a man should never say to his girlfriend.
Here are a few examples:
"Are you wearing that tonight?"
-No. Now I'm not. Now I feel like an ugly fuck after changing 3 different times, trying to impress you.
"Look at your love handles! I like em!" [[click itt!]]
-No! Holy fuck! Don't point out basically my only insecurity. My stomach, the extra fat right above my bony hips. DO NOT point out my flaws. I'm capable of finding them myself, thanks.

I used to not care what anyone thought about the way I dressed. All of a sudden I'm changing my clothes two or three times a day. I actually use the scale now. I never weighed myself; I never really cared until now. I pull out the scale and stare at the numbers. I don't know what to think. The numbers are 'normal' for my height, but then why do I feel so ugly, so chubby?
I'm not supposed to feel like this.

I used to take pride in the fact that I used to like myself. I thought I was pretty. I thought the way I dressed was awesome, and my little belly didn't bother me.

God, this is so hard to write about.
I remember feeling beautiful.
I miss it.

Here comes the confession part:
I am not smart when it comes to eating habits. Sometimes I will go one or two days without eating at all. I think to myself, 'Hell, I can go a couple days without eating. I sure could use it anyways.' And then I'll binge like nobody's business and eat like a fucking cow.
I either pig out or starve myself.

I'm not liking this at all.

Ugly On The Outside

[[I cut my hairs!]]

If I had enough fucking self control, I'm pretty sure I could talk myself into having an eating disorder. Every single day, I'm reminded of how imperfect I am, of how I always need improvement.
Sure, there are things I like about myself. My hair is pretty awesome most of the time, my legs are tiny which I like, my face is cute and my teeth are straight.
I have a fabulous ass and my boobs are close to perfect.
But my stomach? FUUUUCK.
Just the other day Mr. M told me that I had love handles and that he liked them.
NO!
You don't tell a girl that!
You pretend that they aren't fucking there!
Because now every time I look in the mirror, I see my stupid fat, my stupid stomach, my stupid self.
And it makes me want to throw up.

Honestly

It was hard, telling Jacob that I would not be talking to him. :( Really hard.

He still means...more to me than anyone ever has. He understands me more than anyone else has and probably ever will. I wish he wasn't so far away. I was tempted today to send him a text, to tell him how I felt, how I miss him, but I didn't.

No, I will not I will not.

This relationship I have going with Mr. Muscles...I'm doing it right. For once, I'm going to do the right thing, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to make sure he has nothing to worry about, I'm going to keep it that way. Not for him, necessarily. I want to make sure that I can be an honest person. For me. I want to be a better person. It hasn't been easy lately.

Oh boy, where do I start?

I'm learning more and more about Mr. Muscles every day we're together, and I like it. I like him. He has soft blue eyes and he can be really cocky sometimes, but when we're laying on the couch together and I roll on my side and look into his blue eyes there's so much vulnerability it almost hurts me.

I've slept over at his place several times now, (don't go there just yet you dirty minded fuckers!) and right when I think I've finally found a guy that doesn't snore....his dog does. Heaven help me. One specific night I was sleeping in my black tank top and his gym shorts, he was sleeping next to me with his shirt off and his black shorts on, and I woke up when he rolled over to face me, almost violently. Then to my surprise his body started to shake, and I saw there were tears in his eyes.

"Baby? Baby, what's wrong?"

He wouldn't answer, he just clutched at me and I wrapped my arms around him, and kissed his forehead.

"Come here, hun. It's okay. It's okay."

I pulled him closer to me and let him rest his head in the crook of my shoulder. The sobs didn't last very long, two minutes at the most. When he stopped he said,

"I had a nightmare. It was so real."

"What was it about babe?"

"It was....I had a dream that you left me to go back to Fish."

"You know I would never do that to you."

And when I said that, I meant it.

I want to do a relationship right.

I want to know what it's like to put my all into something.

We went out to the garage to have a cigarette and he laughed over it.

"I can't believe I woke up crying. Damn, that's crazy."

I just nodded and looked at the ground. I almost wanted to shake him and yell at him, make him break down, make him have the emotional break down that I know is building up in that muscled body of his. Then scoop up the tears he cried and put them in my pocket, kiss his lips and tell him I'll always be here.

I Miss You

I miss him. I miss Jacob.
I miss our late night conversations, I miss his voice. I miss him so bad.

And I'm pretty sure Muscles might be an asshole. I don't think he tries to be. He wants to be loved, to be accepted, and I've accepted him just fine. But now he's scared that I'll just up and leave him, that I'll reject him just like that. So he's really controlling and doesn't trust me at all. I can't hang out with whoever I want without him throwing a fit. This isn't going to work.

I want to be a better Christian, but I don't think I can.
I want to be treated like a princess, but I don't think I deserve it.


I don't deserve happiness.

I don't know what I'm doing. This is trouble. I'm getting myself in so much trouble. I'm going to end up hurt, I fucking know it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need to stop being stupid.
I need someone to hold me right now.

Hello, my name is...

I might as well come out and say it. I'm Becki. And I'm a horrible human being. Said and done.

So I'm single now and it's really weird. I know, I know, I haven't written in over a month. Mostly because Fish found out about this site (at least I think he did) and he was all 'Who's Jacob, who's Jacob?" So...I kind of left this blog alone for awhile. Now I just don't give a fuuk! Haha.

You'd think I'd be excited to be single. Fish and I are still friends and we hang out every now and then, mostly going to church activities and what not. Oddly enough, being single is just as stressful. Well maybe not THAT stressful, but it is stressful a little bit. I haven't even been single that long and I have guys lining up to claim me as their own. Which drives me nuts.

Although! I did meet a guy....we've been spending a lot of time together and he likes me a lot. I like him too, I never thought I would. He seemed super cocky at first. He calls me Mary Jane because he knows how much I heart spider man. Anyways, I don't know how I'm going to break it to him when I tell him I'm totally in love with my best friend Jacob and want to marry him someday.

I think I'll probably just call him Muscles because....hot damn! You have no idea! He's got these biceps that make me weak at the knees, I kid you not. And his little brother is just so adorable. I don't know what to do with myself, I have so many god damn problems.

On the one hand, I feel like I can't live without Jacob. I just can't. I think about him all the time, he knows literally everything about me. And I mean everything. He's still crazy in love with me, even with all the stupid shit I put him through with Fish.

On the other hand, it's so nice to feel liked from right here and right now. It's nice to have a crush, crushes fucking rock! I get all giggly and girly, I spend more time in the bathroom trying to do my hair, I feel special, I feel wanted...girl has gotta love a good crush. And I am definitely crushing. I just don't know if this could possibly be more than a crush and I don't know if I want it to be. When I'm hanging out with Muscles I feel like I could do practically anything. I feel like I could work at a laundromat doing what I love. Laundry. :) I could have a crazy collection of umbrellas, I could be the type of person that exercises daily. I could dye my hair purple if I wanted or take a road trip to Wendover just to eat at a buffet. I feel like I could do anything. I could get a job without having a panic attack, I could go to school without hating it and throwing up on people.

Why the fuck do I get myself in situations like this? I should've just stayed away from men.