Hello, my name is...

I might as well come out and say it. I'm Becki. And I'm a horrible human being. Said and done.

So I'm single now and it's really weird. I know, I know, I haven't written in over a month. Mostly because Fish found out about this site (at least I think he did) and he was all 'Who's Jacob, who's Jacob?" So...I kind of left this blog alone for awhile. Now I just don't give a fuuk! Haha.

You'd think I'd be excited to be single. Fish and I are still friends and we hang out every now and then, mostly going to church activities and what not. Oddly enough, being single is just as stressful. Well maybe not THAT stressful, but it is stressful a little bit. I haven't even been single that long and I have guys lining up to claim me as their own. Which drives me nuts.

Although! I did meet a guy....we've been spending a lot of time together and he likes me a lot. I like him too, I never thought I would. He seemed super cocky at first. He calls me Mary Jane because he knows how much I heart spider man. Anyways, I don't know how I'm going to break it to him when I tell him I'm totally in love with my best friend Jacob and want to marry him someday.

I think I'll probably just call him Muscles because....hot damn! You have no idea! He's got these biceps that make me weak at the knees, I kid you not. And his little brother is just so adorable. I don't know what to do with myself, I have so many god damn problems.

On the one hand, I feel like I can't live without Jacob. I just can't. I think about him all the time, he knows literally everything about me. And I mean everything. He's still crazy in love with me, even with all the stupid shit I put him through with Fish.

On the other hand, it's so nice to feel liked from right here and right now. It's nice to have a crush, crushes fucking rock! I get all giggly and girly, I spend more time in the bathroom trying to do my hair, I feel special, I feel wanted...girl has gotta love a good crush. And I am definitely crushing. I just don't know if this could possibly be more than a crush and I don't know if I want it to be. When I'm hanging out with Muscles I feel like I could do practically anything. I feel like I could work at a laundromat doing what I love. Laundry. :) I could have a crazy collection of umbrellas, I could be the type of person that exercises daily. I could dye my hair purple if I wanted or take a road trip to Wendover just to eat at a buffet. I feel like I could do anything. I could get a job without having a panic attack, I could go to school without hating it and throwing up on people.

Why the fuck do I get myself in situations like this? I should've just stayed away from men.

Bed Time Stories

I've been away from Fish too often this week. It's getting so bad. He's working a lot but I haven't been making enough effort to see him. I'm okay with not seeing him. That scares me. If you love someone, aren't you supposed to want to be around them...all the time?! And yet, I'd prefer to do things without him, stay home without him.
I called Jacob a couple nights ago.
I asked him to tell me a bed time story.
I'm weird, I know, shut up.
Well he did. Know what the story was about? Star Wars. FUCK YEAH IT WAS ABOUT STAR WARS. I don't know what it is about me and nerdy guys, but they're just super attractive.
So he told me the story of Star Wars (movies 1-3) and it was a two hour long story. I fucking loved every second of it. I've seen Star Wars before although the only movie I haven't seen is the third one. I still hung onto every word. He's hilarious. And adorable.

Then tonight I asked for another bedtime story. This time about spider man. (I have a thing for spider man. He's sexy. Maybe it's because Peter Parker is nerdy?) I hadn't seen the third one. Ironically. And so Jacob told me the story of the third movie in the Spider Man movies. I could listen to his stories all night. Which I pretty much did lol.

And afterwards I heard him sigh, and I sighed and we both wished we weren't apart. His voice moved through my body and made me feel excited, alive. He told me that he wanted to marry me and have 12 kids with me. (GOOD GOD, TWELVE?! I only want ten. haha.) I asked him to tell me something in spanish. He did and when I asked him to translate he said,

"Your voice makes me happy. You make me happy. I can't imagine my life without you. I never want to be without you. And I'm in love with you."

I smiled and held back tears. My conflicted feelings....
Sometimes I'm scared he doesn't mean it.

Telling the Truth

I told him about Jacob.

And he told me, that I would have to change my phone number. That I would never be able to talk to Jacob ever again. Or Carey. Or any of those guys. I was okay with the decision. I love my boyfriend. (Why do I feel like I have to repeat those words to make them true?) And I want things to work out with him. Naturally. I took the battery out of my cell phone and handed it over. I didn't talk to any of those guys.

But it only lasted a week.

Fish and I had been doing fantastic for awhile. I was trying so hard to be a good girlfriend. Trying so hard to make him feel proud of me. Trying so hard to keep my eye from wandering to the other available men. I wanted to make him happy.

I got an email from Jacob that ruined my good streak.
"I can't stop thinking of you. I can't get you out of my head. I can't help but see your face in my dreams. I woke up crying last night, not because of the dream, but because I miss you. I can't forget you. I can't bring myself to try to move on. I can't because I won't. I refuse to stop loving you. Please, come back to me. I still, and will always need you. It can only be you. "

That email just about broke my already shattered-but-taped-back-together heart. I replied telling him I couldn't talk to him, that I promised myself I would stop lying.

He kept repeating himself. 'I don't want to lose you.'

I couldn't stand it.
And the moment I had a chance, I called him.
I had his phone number memorized.
Hearing his voice was the best thing I'd heard in so long.

So now I'm back at it again.
The lying.

FUCK ME, i hate this. I hate it hate it hate it. :(

And let's make matters worse, shall we?
I went Christmas shopping with Fish. It was a stressful day, we'd been fighting on and off. It was both our fault. I had been wearing heels that put me in pain and he hates the way I dress so of course when I bought a coat he didn't like...well it was just a stressful day.
We hugged it out, kissed it out, and I was in a better mood. We were going to watch a movie together. I was super excited cuz I'd just gone on a movie buying binge and I bought five new movies. Couldn't wait to watch The Invention of Lying cuz that movie is fucking HILARIOUS. Go watch it if you haven't.
Fish says, "Babe will you grab my phone? I left it in my pants pocket when I changed."
I reached into the wrong pocket.
And pulled out a wedding ring.
"Uuuuh...honey? What's this?" and I hand him the ring.
He fumbles for words and I know he's lying when he says, "Oh. Um. My mom found it when she was cleaning and it's my dad's so...I'll go give it to him right now." And he snatches the wedding ring out of my hand and runs upstairs with it.
When he comes back downstairs I pretend that I'm gullible enough to believe him. But damn it, HE'S GOING TO EFFING PROPOSE I CAN'T JUST PRETEND NOT TO KNOW.

We decide to run to the store to buy some soda to go with our delicious movie popcorn and when we get into the truck I just can't hold it in. "So um....that ring wasn't your dad's, was it?"
"What? Oh come on babe! It's not your wedding ring! I told you I wasn't going to propose yet!"
"Uh huh. Suuree..."
"You weren't supposed to find that!"
I'm laughing at this point going, "THAT RING WAS FOR ME! Hahahaha! Oh Fish, you are SUCH a bad liar!"

He was pouting the rest of the night because now I know what my ring looks like.
He has no idea what my mind is going through, how flustered my emotions are.
He has no idea that my relationship with Jacob with never, ever go away as it seems.
I can't seem to live without Jacob.
I think I'm in love with Jacob.
And my boyfriend is about to propose to me. :(


I'm the worst person on this fucking planet.

It's Been Four Years

(I'll write more about what happened with fish soon.)

Sometimes...I wonder.
I wonder what it would be like.
If I decided, 'What the hell' and showed up on your doorstep,
asking for you.

I wonder
If it would be completely foolish to tell you I would always love you.
If maybe it would be too painful to tell you I'm sorry.
If it would be wrong to say I miss you daily.
If it's been too long.

I wonder if you would have completely forgotten me.

The Truth Comes Out

I told Fish.


I didn't think I was going to do it that day. This was a couple weeks ago. I'd been at work. Working away as usual. Hating it. Ty, one of my co-workers had been hitting on me for awhile. I wasn't too surprised, he had the player look about him. But me being who I am, I looked for the good in him just like I do with everyone. I talked to him, I smiled, I looked away shyly. He was a super good sweet talker. Better than I thought he would be. He kept it up for a couple weeks before the day I told Fish about it. He kept giving me hugs, telling me I was adorable, pestering me about when we're finally going to hang out. Which I knew was going to be never. Then he asked me, "Would you ever sleep with me?"

Oh hell no.
Fuck that.

I wanted to punch him in his charming mother fucking face right then and there. He knew I had a boyfriend, I reminded him of it daily. I tried resisting his wooing for awhile but just gave in when it felt good. When he asked this question, however, I sniffed him out for what he truly was. An asshole. A user, an abuser, someone who viewed women as pleasure items. The kind of guy every woman should be wary of. I was angry. I was offended. I quit my job.

I was going to go watch the basketball game with Fish right after work. I was hoping that our team would win, that way he would be too distracted by the game so as not to notice my pissy mood. No such luck.

"Baby, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm alright."
"You're lying to me."
"I'll tell you about it later."

And then we reached home and we went to his small bedroom and sat on the bed. Here goes. I should just out with the honest truth. You can't go wrong with honesty, right?

It took him a good hour to pry anything out of me. I was terrified to tell him. Fish has...a temper of some sorts. Sometimes I'm nervous that I'll accidentally get a fist in the face when it was meant for the wall. Or that I'll watch him hurt himself, bleeding on the floor from a bloody fist that hit the wall. I'm scared he'll move out of the house faster than I can blink, and go smash Ty's face in with a brick. Fish has a violent history. He could do it.

"Ty asked me today at work if I would sleep with him."
I saw anger leap into his eyes, and the anger burned my skin, set the room afire. I was even more scared.
"What did you say?"
"I said hell no."
"Promise?"
"Yes I really did."
"Have you flirted with him before?"
"Yes."
"More than once?"
"Yes."
"Like what would you say?"
"I don't want to talk anymore."
His frustration grew and he had to take a deep breath to try to calm himself.
"Look. I really need your help, if you can keep talking to me, it will help me from calling up every friend I have, staking out your work, and waiting til he leaves to beat the shit out of him and put him in a grave."
Drastic, right? Sure Ty is an asshole, but is he deserving of death or a brick to the head? In my personal opinion, no. He'll get what he deserves eventually.
His angry stare penetrated me.
"Who else is there?"
"Pretty much any guy that will give me the time of day, I flirt with."
"Are you serious, babe?!"
"Yes."
"Who." It wasn't a question. It was a demand for information.

This is where I really got terrified. If I told him about Jacob, who knows what would happen. I hate how Fish would talk about Jacob. Call him a 'piece of shit' and tell me that he's just another player that doesn't want anything but sex from me. He had me believe it too. Fish can be super convincing. Hell. Maybe that's all Jacob really wanted from me. But I highly doubt it.

I wasn't sure if I could work up the guts to tell him about Jacob.

jfedla;nfkdl;sajfklda;sf

They love me because I'm different.
I hate me because I'm different.

I'm A Fucking Idiot

I was on my break, smoking a cigarette in the parking lot. I didn't even hear Ty walk up.
"Hey, why do you look so glum?"
Me: "What? Oh. No, I'm not sad, I was just deep in thought."
Ty: "About what?"
Me: "Just stuff."
Ty: "Oh come on. Talk to me, girly."
Honestly, I didn't want to tell him about how I feel like a bad person and even worse, a bad Christian.
So I said, "Oh, I just hate my job, that's all."
Ty: "That's not all of it, is it?
Me: "No. It's the tip of the iceberg. The very tip."
Ty: "Well, you can always talk to me about anything. I'll lisetn."
Me: "Okay. I'll keep it in mind."

And I watched him walk away to get back to work.
Good Lord.
I can't get a crush on every guy I meet. That's ridiculous.